confession time.

I have a confession. I never in my life thought that after 6 years of vegetarianism, I would even consider eating meat again. I have stuck by my beliefs for so long and taken so much pride in my ability to quit cold turkey, that these new feelings are basically a huge shock. Physically, I feel that this is what my body is telling me it is time to do. And I have always been pretty good at listening to my bodies needs. Psychologically, this is going to be really tough.

A few months ago I started eating fish again, and I would be lying if I told you I didn't get emotional about that. The guilt that came with that decision was almost overwhelming, and I felt so much shame admitting to friends and family that I had failed my journey. Very similar feelings arose when I started saying out loud that I don't believe in Christianity. So why am I now considering the return of hard core meat into my diet? I guess it's because sometimes life leads you in different directions and down a separate path than you may have chosen for yourself.

My husband eats meat. My friends eat meat. My dogs eat meat. My co-workers all eat meat. I am essentially alone in this journey, and given my lack in cooking abilities I have found it extremely difficult to stay motivated. I miss little things like sharing food with Sean and ordering off of a menu without needing to substitute or change the meal in some way. I also get embarrassed when I order pizza with my girlfriends and I insist that meat-infested pizza arrive in a totally separate box. I miss normalcy.

Besides the fact that I have been eating the same core meals year after year and am starving for some variety, I am beginning to realize that I need to take better care of my body. This is the reason I believe I am feeling deep inside my being that it is time for a change in the way that I eat. I feel sluggish, fat, and carbed-out. The more I exercise, it seems my efforts are cancelled out by the bowl of pasta or bag of chips that I consume directly after. God, and let's not even get into the amount of processed soy I eat in a day. It would be different if I liked raw veggies or knew how to cook up something different once in a while, but I don't. The more I read about ex-veggies, the more I hear about how they've "never felt better" and how they seem to feel more energized than ever once meat has been re-introduced into their diet. I want to feel that way, too.

But deep in the back of my mind I am still clinging to my values and struggling with how to be at peace with this decision. I was reading an article today about eating animal products that were raised locally and fed a grass diet, rather than corn {also, ones who were not pumped with hormones}. That does sort of calm my spirit, I do enjoy buying locally. And that could be just as effective in helping the environment. And it is probably much healthier than eating processed soy products and imitation meat.

Of course, I will also more than likely suffer mockery of this decision... the same people who constantly make fun of me for being vegetarian are more than likely going to poke fun at me falling off of the vegetarian band wagon. Not to mention my soap box.

But it is so important to listen to your body. And mine has been talking pretty loudly for several months now. I'll keep you posted.

rain man.

This morning I awoke to quiet tapping. I snuggled close to my sheets and shut my eyes tight and tried to steal another five minutes of sleep. Just five more minutes. Soon the quiet tapping transformed into a full orchestra. It's sole purpose, to sing me back to sleep. Back and forth I rocked, comforted in cool sheets and fluffy pillows. Minutes passed slowly and my body became paralized as I slowly drifted to sleep. Then, the alarm rings and I am shoved back into reality so quickly that I sit up with my head spinning.

I really want a grilled cheese.

All I want right now is a grilled cheese sandwich!!!!

{and a side of ice cream and cup cakes and anything fried!}

This weekend I promised myself that I was going to start back at the gym. Every day. 45 minutes. It's pretty easy, because we have a gym where I work... well, easy to get to anyway. I spent my entire lunch break on the treadmill. Now I am sitting here eating a 100 calorie pack of cheez-its because I forgot my lunch. You see, I haven't worked out in 4 months -- I haven't been able to since my surgery {for those late in the game, I donated my kidney in April}. Today was absolute hell.

I was in a really awesome habit of running every morning at 5 a.m. ...like, 3 miles every day but Sunday good. Then we moved to the City and I didn't feel comfortable running in the dark, so I started running on my lunch break. Well, I am now down to brisk walking, sadly and having trouble with that!

Don't you hate getting out of a work out routine, and then trying to get back into it again? Blah... it's the WORST!

mental note: working out and forgetting your lunch is a really bad combination... don't do that again. ever.

Happy Anniversary!

Today is Sean & my 2 year anniversary!!! {hence  the lack of Sunday Funday...}

B

Best day of my life!! I love you, Sean!!

intentional living?

So yesterday I was reading this article {after my interest was sparked by this} and started thinking. Mostly about my Carbon Footprint {mines about 5...  please don't ask me why I don't recycle... that needs to change ASAP - so embarrassing!!} and my role in saving the environment. If you read my blog, you know that I love my Mother Earth... and I love community, very much.

This all started a few months back when I was watching Wife Swap.... I know, I know.... lameee. Anyway, one of the wives lives on a Commune and I was so intrigued that I started fantasizing instantly. So for some reason, I started looking up Intentional Living Communities the other day {they're not called Communes as much, anymore} and was really surprised to see one in my area.

Before my husband freaks, I do want to say that I'm not 100% sold on the idea of moving out of the community and disconnecting from the mainstream completely. Plus, they told me that I couldn't bring my dogs... so that right there was a major turn off. But I did like some of the things I read. It kind of made me think about The Beach {one of my favorite movies, no matter what anyone else says!!!} and my idea of Utopia... and how it may actually exist outside of a movie screen.

Everyone working together for the greater good, sharing work loads and money, raising children together. No 'mine' or 'yours'. Ugh... my heart flutters at the sound of that! This is something that I talk my husbands ear off about, and he pretty much thinks I'm crazy.  But I'm ok with that, because I realize that this isn't for everyone. But if your honest with yourself, don't you see the appeal in lifting the weight off your own shoulders and dividing it up amongst a community that supports you?

I do think that an Intentional Living Community sounds a little intense, and sadly I'm not ready to give up my social life or ability to throw house parties. But!!! There are ways to start a "commune" where you make the rules. Basically.... it's like going back to college and picking roommates. Everyone pulls their funds together, buys a house with separate bedrooms but a common living room and kitchen, splits the bills and chores, and comes together to make all of the house decisions. This is what people are doing now, and I'm pretty sure the economy has a lot to do with it. It's sooooo much cheaper and efficient to split everything with a group.

I'm just wondering if, as a married person, I could handle this lifestyle. On the surface, I think that I could. I think that I would enjoy the strong sense of togetherness as our neighborhoods begin to fall apart and we start losing touch with families living as close as next door. I know for a fact I would enjoy dividing responsibilities. The idea of sharing a garden and a compost pile... I love that {Richmond has several Community Garden's spread all over the City and this brings a ginormous smile to my face}. But would I miss my space? And I wonder how important having my own stuff really is to me. That's something I don't think I could imagine until it was no longer there. More importantly, is it really necessary for a married couple to live in house by themselves, or could we benefit by living with several other people who share similar goals?

What do you think -- is it possible that Utopia could actually exist?

p.s. - what's your carbon footprint?

p.p.s.- does anyone have some simple ways to recycle in an apartment building? How could we hide the bins so that our loft doesn't look cluttered?

I'm Sorry.

old schooooool... 3-4 years ago at a wedding :)

I'm really not one to sugar coat. And I hope that I don't come across as some one who thinks that they are so perfect or so together. Really, not so much. My life can be really sloppy and there are times when I am such a bitch. Last night and pretty much several days a week for the past several months..........lots of good examples of me being a bitch.

{please please don't start counting in your head these examples, I'm trying so hard to be humble!}

It's really super easy to blame your spouse for every argument, mess, bad movie, un-made bed, pile of dog crap on the floor, dirty sink, dirty dishes, gross tuna steak {are you getting the picture?} On the other hand, it is really hard to step back and look in the mirror. Yesterday I actually told Sean to look in the mirror after an argument... and it made me realize that I need to take my own advice. Ouch..

I don't really know why I've been such a bitch lately... and I don't feel like listing excuses because several come to mind, but they don't really matter or get me off the hook. The truth is, marriage is really freakin' hard. "They" were not lying when they said for better or for worse. It's actually the hardest thing I've ever done, because I like taking care of myself and doing what I want, when I want.

{I lovingly refer to this as "independence"}

But then I look at pictures of Sean and I - like the super cute one above - and I remember all of the things we have been through. A lot happends in 10 years.... he's even changed a bed pan and cleaned up puke ewwww. It's not really worth fighting over dirty lofts or clothes on the floor when you look at the "big picture." You know, the one where I'm married to a man who is almost blind to sterio-typical gender roles, cooks dinner for me every night, allows me to flirt at the bar for free drinks {hey, we both benefit on this one!!}, and basically does most of what I tell ask him to do.

He even took off of work Friday so that we could have a 4 day weekend together for our anniversary.... after he told me he couldn't because he had too much work. And said he'd go to the river, since I already made plans with my friends thinking he'd be working. Did I mention he hates the river?

So, I guess I don't have it that bad after all. And I really need to stop being such a bitch.

In the words of Kevin Mcallister...

"I'm sorrrrrrrry!"

inside joke.

I give you, Denise!

It's that time again........................................!!!

I am so excited to share with you one of my very good friends, Denise. She was a partner in crime throughout college -still is!-, one of my bridesmaids, and will forever be one of my all time favorite free spirited feminists... I heart you so much, D! {you guys will love her... trust me....}

Say hello to Denise!

                                               

tell us a little something, something about yourself!

What's your sign?

Sagittarius, the archer. I'm a proud Sag!

What's your favorite thing in the world to do?

I love cooking. It is one of the biggest forms of exploration and creativity I do these days. It's also how I unwind after a long day at work. I get so much enjoyment out of trying new things in the kitchen and hunting for new recipes on the web. It's also a bonus preparing something delicious for my husband while I'm at it. I even got him to enjoy eggplant the other night! Score!

 Best Childhood memory & why?

I wouldn't say the best childhood memory because there's just way too many of those, but a definitely a funny one.. getting into habitual arguments with my mom about whether or not the lyrics to Salt & Pepper's "Shoop" were about sex or not. Being in the 3rd grade, what did I know? She was right, they were about sex.

Name 5 interesting facts about yourself.

1. When I was a kid, black was my favorite color. My mom let me dress myself. I was six years old, nearly dressed from head to toe in black (I even had tie up combat boots). Growing up in a very small, conservative, country community .. I raised TONS of eye brows and one of my teachers even asked my mom why she was dressing me that way.

2. I used to have a go-cart with pink racing stripes. I sold it when I turned 13 to buy clothes.

3. I rarely if ever wash my makeup off before I go to bed (shame, shame, I know). And I will not leave the house without mascara.

4. My biological father passed away on the same day and year as my husband was born. (August 4, 1985)

5. I like M&M's in my popcorn and coke floats any time of the year.

If you could travel any place in the entire world, where would it be & why?

Any where with my husband. No, seriously any where! I love to travel and would be happy any where in the world that he is. But to be more specific, here are some off the top of my head: Venice, South Africa, Austria, Indonesia, and China (I really want to see the Great Wall!)

Tell us a secret {shh! We won't tell anyone...}

I pick my nose a lot - especially while I'm at work and sometimes I get caught. Oops...

~