Wishes For My 26th Year

Every birthday I think it's important to take a moment to reflect on my life and come up with a few goals for the following year. I will be 26 years old in 11 days... and the things I have learned this year have been incredible. I can't wait to see what year 26 has to offer :)

1. Get Healthy.

It's become pretty apparent that I need to take care of myself. This is the only body that I've got, and it's going to need to stay healthy so that it can take me on all of the adventures that I want to go on in this lifetime!

I've decided to quit smoking, and so far I'm 9 days strong!

I also want to do more things outdoors. One of my major goals is to visit a different hiking trail at least twice per month. This Spring I also want to go backpacking and camping for several days, which is something I've never done before. I'm ready to get more active and to push my body in new ways.

2. Get Positive.

I have learned a lot about the people in my life this year. When I got divorced, many of my "friends" felt like they needed to choose sides -- and to my surprise, those who were there in the beginning didn't really stick around for the long haul.

At first I got really sad about it, and to be honest I still am at times. It's hard realizing that your friendship wasn't valued and that people can be really judgemental and cruel. But, who really wants people in your life who are only there for you when it's convenient for them? Not me.

I think it's important that I start focusing on the positive. I've been through a lot, learned a million life lessons, and met a lot of different people along the way. I don't have to settle for ''part-time friends'' and if people aren't going to value my friendship then they don't deserve to be a part of my life.

3. Explore.

I love to travel, and I'm finally in the position where I'm with some one who likes to explore just as much as I do. I want to learn how to paddle board, kayak as much as possible, and visit places that I've never been before.

I've never been in a hot air balloon, and I want to experience that this year.

There are so many places that I haven't been, and now is the time to check them out. I'm looking forward to long car trips, and hopefully pulling out my passport at least once this year ;)

4. Create.

I am a very artistic person, but I have been so busy with legal and financial struggles this year that I have put a lot of my creative desires on the back burner.

This year I wrote a short children's book that I would like to illustrate and publish. I'm not interested in making money off of my writing, but I would love to have something to give my future children.

I want to take a pottery class. I've wanted to do this for a few years now, and financially I think this is the year to take that leap. I also want to experiment with jewelry making... and who knows where that will take me!

~

{See previous years here and here!}

Dear Casey,

“Most people don't know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life. ”

― Brian Andreas

 

Dear Casey,

 

I wanted to write to you and tell you how much I miss you already. How the world seems a little bit darker since you left, and how things will never be exactly the same as they were before.

 

I still haven't cried. Yes, there have been times when I have been at my desk or alone in my bed and one or two tears have crept out... but mostly I've been holding them in because I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop them once they are released and then my bedroom and then my house and then the whole universe will flood over. I'm afraid that I won't be able to catch my breath, but also that you will see all of this and question what it is that I'm crying for when there is so much to laugh about.

 

It sort of feels like I am in a terrible dream, and I keep pinching my cheeks and forcing my eyes open and trying to wake up... but I can't. I hear your laughter in all of the quiet spaces of my life and deep, deep down in my soul I can still hear your voice and see your smile. I go to that place at least ten times a day, because it is physically painful thinking that there will be no new memories, that you have completed your time here and given all that you can.

 

You lived your life for the moment, and at times this was hard to accept. It was hard, because our world does not typically live and breathe every second of every day. While the rest of us were worrying about deadlines and stressing and forgetting and wishing time would go faster, you were living. You were laughing. You have taught us so much about the important things in life and how healing a smile can be and how much simpler our problems seem when we choose to be happy no matter what.

 

I know that your physical body may be gone, but your spirit is still here among all of us and that you are there every moment shaking your head and trying to get us to understand that life is too short to be so sad. You are trying to help us remember what you have taught us: to have fun and laugh and smile and most of all to do whatever is necessary to avoid missing out on life.

 

So every morning since you left I have taken a moment to breathe in deeply and I stretch my arms to the sky and picture your smile. I remember that we are not guarenteed our next breath. I remember that we only have one shot at life, and that there is no better time than now to start living it. I remember you and all that you have meant to me and every single soul that you have touched.

 

Thank you for teaching me so much about life and so much about how we complicate every little thing and how it doesn't have to be that way. Thank you for reminding me what is important and what isn't. What I should hold onto and what I should let go of. Thank you most of all for always being true to yourself and for showing me that it is possible.

 

I love you and am so unbelievably proud to have known you. I carry your heart in my heart.

 

Kara



falling in love with myself.

credit

There are some things you need to know about me. I am extremely passionate about life and I am a lover. When I fall in love, I fall hard and sometimes that means that I get hurt but in the end everything about life is a learning experience and I don't mind being a student of The Universe.

I tend to see the good in everyone and it's hard for me to fathom cruelty - so there are times when I need to take a step back from society and soak in a bubble bath or spend a weekend in the woods just to get away from the negativity. I try my hardest not to let evil take over my soul, and not to let it change my heart.

I am sensitive and have a tender heart. From books to movies to people on the street that I hardly know, I hurt when I see others hurt. I even hurt for those doing the hurting. I enjoy this connection that I have with those around me. I like to feel every emotion, even the painful ones. It's important to always remember that everything in The Universe is connected, and that we have more in common with one another than we may realize. Treat others the way you want to be treated, and you will never be alone.

I talk to trees. I dance with the wind. I soak in the sunshine and the river and the flowers and the clouds. I talk to plants and animals and I never, ever forget the gift of life and living in the moment.

But most importantly, I love myself. And the reality is that nobody can change that, no matter how much they try to hurt me or use me. And knowing that is the best part.

adjusting my sails.

-credit-

Life is an incredible journey. One thing that I've learned is that it is not easy, and that if it were - I would have missed out on so many important lessons and given up the opportunity for some of my greatest adventures to unfold.  

So I am thankful for my struggles. My open wounds. My tears and scars and vulnerabilities and imperfections and endless baggage. I am thankful for learning things the hard way, and for always picking myself back up - even when I've felt too tired or too worn or much too broken.

Most of all, I am thankful that I get to be a part of this big adventure that is my life. That I get to choose which paths I take and which I leave behind. I do not get to choose which troubles I happen to stumble upon, but I do get some choice in how each moment changes and molds and inspires me.

I get to choose to be happy, and that is something that I am forever grateful for.

inspiration friday

Today I'm guest posting over at my good friend Sarah's blog ;) Head on over and say hello!

you can't always do it alone.

I have always relied on myself. I purposfully take control of anything I can around me, and in a very real way this has been a safety net throughout my life. It's a learned behavior. A dirty habit that is hard to break. I have a hard time trusting others and letting myself lean on them, because there's always the very real possibility that they can (and sometimes do) let you down.

But sometimes taking a risk is important for growth. And I need to learn to let others help when I need it. This is the lesson I am currently learning and re-learning.

I talked to my mom about this for a long time last week, and yesterday she posted the above video on my facebook page (thanks, mama ;). Life is hard. Sometimes you fall and you hurt and you are let down and everything seems to go wrong -- but there is always a chance to get back up and continue moving forward. Sometimes you can do that on your own, but more times than not you need the people around you to help get you through those times.

What I am learning, is that true strength is letting yourself lean on others when you need to. And that being vulnerable does not have to mean that you are weak. In fact, letting yourself recieve help from those who love you is an admirable quality - it's not always an easy thing to do, but knowing your limits and trusting those in your life is a little gift that the universe offers when our weight sometimes gets too heavy to carry.

doing what you love.

As some one who is not motivated or driven by money, it has definitely been a struggle having my finances instantly cut in half while acquiring the sole weight of all of the bills that it takes to keep my life comfortable. On top of that, I've been making such an effort to get out and meet new people, try new things, and discover new hobbies. I hate the idea of living paycheck to paycheck, and like I've said before... when checks bounce or you're late on a bill, it makes you feel pretty shitty. Well, I am a pretty strong, independent woman [if I do say so myself] and I'm not one to sulk and complain without figuring out a decent solution.

I've really been enjoying my social life lately, and with each new day I feel more energized knowing that I have a purpose in life and that I am significant. I have more energy, and each day feels like a fresh adventure. I'm not trying to sound all ''rose colored glasses''.... but it really has been so great living my life with a more positive attitude. I've been looking for a part time job for a few months now because I want to be able to do the things that I love without having to decide which bill to skip or be late on. Everyone needs the opportunity to relax a bit, and unfortunantly a lot of the time this requires extra money. Especially for some one like myself, who is obsessed with brunch and coffee dates :)

I am a total neat freak, and if you are friends with me on facebook you've probably noticed that I am always deep cleaning my loft apartment.... and sometimes my neighbors as well. It's hard to explain, but cleaning is a way that I de-stress and nothing feels better than sitting back and looking at a spotless home. And I do mean spotless!

So why not use my 'powers' for good? I've been talking to a few close friends and decided that I'm going to start cleaning homes on the side -- I get to choose my schedule, I get to choose my clients, I get to be in control. I had my very first home on Sunday, and it felt so good to re-organize her kitchen and have her and her family come home excited about the job I had done. I have a friend who does design work, and he wants to help me with branding. I want buisness cards. I want to make my own organic cleaning supplies. I want to leave little gifts at each home before I leave.

Planning and thinking about the possibilities has been pretty exciting, not to mention empowering. I love cleaning and making others happy, and I feel that this is a way I can contribute... it's also an excuse to get out of bed on the weekends and enjoy the day rather than sleeping in. Bringing creativity into my idea has been an added bonus, as I am so excited to figure out what little touches I can add to my buisness to set me apart from everyone else.

It feels refreshing to have a tangable plan. A clear path that will lead me to financial stability and total independence -- something that I am so desperatley in need of during this transition in my life.

The best part, is that I only need to do a few homes in order to make up enough money to do things that I really enjoy without having to suffer for it at the end of each month. I'm excited to see where this little endeaver will take me...

Have you ever been stressed out and then felt the relief of finding a workable solution? It's funny how things come together when you start to become more positive.

Emotion.

it's the little things... like listening to a good playlist while cuddling with my puppy :)

As we grow and continue to evolve, we go through an array of emotions. Some days we are incredibly happy, others sad, others maybe even ambivalent. As an extremely emotional person (I blame it on being a true Cancer), it has taken me a long time to understand that it is okay to feel emotions - all of them; no emotion is bad.

It has taken me such a long time to come to terms with this. And I think that I am finally beginning to understand that emotions are natural and it's so important to feel them... not push them inward and attempt to ignore them. The first step, for me, has been taking the time to love myself -- all of me. Especially the messy imperfections.

The greatest lesson in life is cherishing things that make you happy, and learning to embrace and then let go the things that make you sad. Easier said than done, but it's a process and intentional path that you must choose individually. It's so worth it in the end.

You are the only person in the Universe exactly like you. Special, and worthy of love -- especially love for yourself. Life is such an incredible adventure, and every day is a new chance to learn and create and become whatever it is that truly makes you happy.

Sending you love from my little space on the internet - xx

something to think about.

alone, but not alone.

This song has been on repeat all weekend. I think there is so much power and healing that comes with finding music that you connect with. I am in the beginning stages of divorce -- my husband moved out this weekend, who I've been married for 3 years with and together for 10. We tried everything, but sometimes people just grow apart and no matter how hard you try to fix it.... it's not fixable.

I am heartbroken, but I know that this is the correct path and that I made the right decision. I also know that I learned so much from my relationship with my husband, and that I have grown in ways that I might not have otherwise. For that, I am thankful. I'm also thankful for my amazing support system, without my friends and family I don't know where I would be with all of these emotions.

As I've said so many times before, the Universe takes care of us. We are the Universe, all connected and able to provide comfort to some one without even being aware. It's amazing. This weekend I was able to meet THE Carley Simon's brother, Peter, as he had an exhibit set up in a friend's gallery. We got breakfast together and talked a little about Richmond and all that he's seen and done throughout his life, and then I spent about an hour looking deep into each and every one of his photographs.

There were pictures of Martin Luther King, Bob Dylan, The Beatles.... and also pictures of people in ghettos, family portraits from his time spent on a commune, and pictures of him and Carley (and their other siblings) growing up as kids. I took it all in, and before I knew it I was overcome with emotion and tears began running down my face. I stood there, letting myself feel this emotion, and at that moment I knew that everything was going to be ok for me.

As I was about to leave, I pulled Peter aside and shared my emotional reaction to his absolutely breathtaking work. I told him that his photographs gave me hope, strength, and empowerment. They made me realize that there is so much out there that I haven't seen or experienced. So much beauty that I've missed out on. And also, so much community that I desperately needed. He gave me such a heartfelt embrace, and we talked about this emotion for another hour before I finally pulled myself away for some much needed river therapy.

I sat on a blanket by the river, with an emotional mix of music and just spent time loving myself. I did not beat myself up, but rather embraced my life and let go of the negativity that I had been feeling towards my marriage. The fear of judgement, being alone, financial stressors. There's a long road ahead, but this was an important part of my healing process. There will be good days, hard days, and days when I feel absolutley nothing. But the important thing is that I have the choice to love myself through all of this, and come out on the other end with a few scars, but so much stronger.

Hope.

Things have been more than a little shaky and stressful around here. Yes, more than usual. Do you know what's been giving me hope? Repeating this over and over and over and over again...

"You are not alone in this."

Mumford & Sons, Timshel

your ladder to the stars.

And you have your choices

And these are what make man great

His ladder to the stars.

{mumford & sons; timeshel}

I get inspired easily. By music. By nature. By a homeless man on a nearby block. By love. By the warmest venti cup of white chocolate mocha. By grass, trees, moving water, conversation, foreign film, old photographs, art of any kind...

I feel it deep inside my gut, and I obsess over it until I can find a way to share it. Because inspiration should be shared; we have a desperate need to feel inspired.

And there are so many things to bring about passion, so many choices that we can make. I practice living in the moment, but I want to incorporate my intuition. Following my gut feeling; following what inspires me. And not being so afraid of failure, because if you don't try... you fail by default.

Dream House.

I believe in numbers. Specifically, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and one of my little compulsions is breaking everything into 3's. It helps me feel in control, as bizarre as that may sound. But the reason I am telling you this, the reason I am convinced that the number 3 is significant in my life, is because I've been waiting all weekend to share this picture with you, and the Universe chose for this particular post to be my 300th. Yeah, I'm crazy like that... but we all have our own little quirks :)

This house means more to me than just about anything else that I currently or have ever owned in my entire life. This is where I grew up. I remember when we had to move away from this house, and I was so heartbroken that I told my mom that I hated her and would never forgive her for making us leave. Leaving this house broke my heart deeper than any boy ever has -- and that includes those middle school boys who made me feel like my life was so-over when they didn't want to hold hands in the hallway anymore. But like those boys, leaving leads to growth which leads to bigger and better things. At least that's the story I'm sticking to for now.

I can't even begin to tell you the memories that I've made in this house. My very first memory ever was when I was 3 years old at our kitchen table, and the cup I was drinking from had a handle that looked like the letter 'B'. I just remember feeling so proud that I knew what that letter was. This is also where I was potty trained, learned how to ride a bike (right on that street out front), and met a tree that was so significant that I named this blog after it. I also had a kick ass backyard, with a mickey mouse sprinkler that I would run through for hours in the summer.

My parent's built this house together. They had a say in every little detail. And the coolest memory that I have from this house, is the vacant field at the end of our street. They eventually built condos (which, I might add, were the absolute scariest and awesome-ist places to trick or treat -- these people went wayyy out!), but before the condos we used to be able to see hundred of hot air balloons. I think that there was some sort of hot air balloon club or race, and they would always stop in that field to re-fuel and we always got to go and talk to them and see the balloons up close. They were seriously beautiful, all lined up by the hundreds. There's nothing else like it.

We had a huge garden in the backyard with a compost pile, and every night we ate fresh vegetables. That garden was the best place to find frogs, and my mom was always checking my pockets because I was always trying to sneak them inside to my bedroom. There was also a field behind my house, and I was grounded so many times for running out of my mom's sight despite her screaming from the back porch that I was wondering too far.

Next door was an Indian family who I was head over heels in love with. I would go over for a visit several times a week, and they would paint a red dot on my forehead and teach me about their way of life. At Christmas, I was always blown away by the transformation of their living room -- they had a million dolls on display and I remember sitting in there for hours im amazement. I remember how they would never cut the grass in their backyard, and my best friend and I would pretend we were tigers for entire afternoons, crouching and jumping through that 5 foot tall grass.

~

Today when I look at this picture, I think about my childhood self and how carefree I was. There are still so many things about that little girl that are still true today: I hate wearing shoes (and clothes in general), I am the happiest when I'm outside on an adventure, I still talk to trees, and I still spend the majority of my life day dreaming and pretending that life isn't as serious as others make it out to be.

But things are different, too. Sometimes I wonder what I would say to my younger self. I think I would tell her to continue living her life without second guessing herself. I would tell her that life wouldn't always be easy, sometimes it would be unbearable, but that she is strong and will be able to grow from those experiences. I would tell her that her passion for learning and reading is rare, and to never let that go. And I think that most of all, I would tell her to not get so angry when childhood ends and she has to leave that house. Better things will come, she will meet new friends that will last her a lifetime, and eventually her path will lead her to not only a husband, but a soul mate who pushes her to be herself and encourages her to continue to grow.

I would love to go back in time and hug the younger version of myself, and tell her that it's ok to feel every emotion deeply. I would tell her to cherish the times spent with her grandfathers, because the sting when they leave her will stay with her forever. Especially on prom night and at her wedding. I would encourage her to continue going barefoot and making up songs and pretending to be a fairy or a bird -- to cross boundaries and explore every inch of the world around her.

And I think that the younger version of myself, would probably have a lot to say as well. She would probably tell me to relax. To stop worrying about money, because the important things in life don't cost anything. To go on an adventure a day and to continue looking for gnomes in the forest. She would encourage me to continue writing in my journal. And she would probably encourage me to be an astronaut when I grew up ;)

When I look at this picture, of the place where I grew up, I can't help but remember the little girl who once lived there and who she has become. A little different, but mostly the same. I like to think that that little girl would be proud of who I am today, and that her only dissapointment would be my hesitation to share my belief in magic with the rest of the world.

words to live by

I've been thinking about this post for over a week (Joanna's one of my favorites!)... and how sad it is that so many of us have lost touch with being outdoors. I've been making more of a conscious effort to get outside and enjoy bare feet, wind blown hair, and dirt under my fingernails. Let me tell you, it feels wonderful!

[image found here.]

What's Good?

Sometimes life gets so busy, that you forget about how many great things you have going for you! For example:

Last weekend I went to Charlottesville to visit Denise and Stuart -- I had such an amazing time soaking in the mountain scenery, eating way too much of Denise's delicious home cooked meals, and antiquing! We stayed up until almost 3am having one of those amazing drunken heart to hearts we all know and love, and I was so sad when it was time for me to leave! I wish I could spend all of my weekends with these two... trying to convince Sean to move ;)

I sure do love this lady!

In other news, a friend pointed out this amazing website today... you must check it out! I've had just about enough of the media making celebrities look perfect and thinking that I'm not good enough because I don't look a certain way. Feel the same? Well, this website allows you to brows pictures of REAL WOMEN... all shapes and sizes! It's great to look through pics and see how people look without being airbrushed, and it's a great reminder that beauty has no limits.

Also, I'm back on Twitter! Follow me, please :)



Do you know what I learned this week? I learned that if you think positively, more positive things happen. It's true :)

Sometimes I get so anxious and stressed out, that I only think about the negative things happening in my life. But there are so many good things around that there isn't a good excuse to ignore them --

This week:

-I was in Williamsburg, Va for a work conference that took up 3 days of my week... making Friday arrive superrrrr fastttttt

-Sean was an awesome husband, and drove an hour on Tuesday to meet me for a dinner date (followed by a spur of the moment Christmas ornament shopping spree ;-)

-Sean and I started reading a book called the 5 Love Languages... and it's been a really great ending to our day because it gives us a chance to talk and laugh together, and also focus on our relationship.

-Tonight I'm going on a dinner and movie date with my two very lovely friends Brittany and Sarah

-It's payday, and although most of my money is going to bills... at least I can afford a nice loft, electricity, and my ever-so-friendly student loans.

What are some of the positive and happy things going on in your life?

If you can dream it. . .

:-) hopefully this brought a smile to your face, as it did mine. I've been in Williamsburg all week. . . but I'll be back (hopefully) tomorrow with updates!

xx



Dreaming of Snakes.

I always have extremely vivid dreams. And last night was no different, as I woke up in a panic at 5 am. For some reason, I haven't been able to shake this one... so I looked up a few interpretations online this morning, and what I found out was eerily relevant.

First the dream. I was at some kind of ranch with a group of my friends, and I decided that I wanted to go up to my bedroom which was located in a tree fort type loft which was located in the backyard. As I was climbing the steps, I looked to my left and saw a gigantic yellow snake -- like, 50 feet gigantic -- looking straight at me. It came over quickly, and due to fear I passed out in the stairwell. When I ''woke up'' I realized that the snake was on top of me, licking me in my ear. I didn't move, and my friends were all gathered around watching in fear. The weird thing, is that I sensed that the snake didn't want to harm me, and in the dream I wasn't afraid... although in reality snakes are one of my biggest fears. So what's up with this dream?

I was doing a little ''research'' (if you know me, you know google is my life) and found this article along with several others. Supposedly, because of the snakes ability to shed it's skin and also the ability to kill, they can stand for an individuals journey through transformation found by death and rebirth/healing of some kind. I don't know how much I buy into dream interpretations, but I am absolutely in a period of transformation - maybe the snake was my subconscious telling me that some healing will be taking place... one can hope.

I also found that the color yellow, associated with a negative or unpleasant feeling, can stand for one's fear or inability to make a decision or take action. When associated with a positive feeling, it can symbolize happiness, harmony and wisdom. In my dream, I was first paralyzed with fear (negative) and then later re-gained conciousness and felt comforted (positive). Could this mean that although I am having trouble with a very important decision currently, I will later find healing and eventually find peace?

From what  I read about snakes and the color yellow, I can only imagine that the snake licking me in my ear while my friends watched in fear has something to do with the fact that while those around me would like to offer me advice, only I can ultimately make the right decision. And that by trusting myself, things will be ok.

I realize that I'm being completely vaigue about  what's going on with me personally right now, but know that this symbolizim captures every emotion that I have been feeling perfectly. Maybe some peace and clarity are around the corner? Or maybe I still have a lot of introspective work to do, and my subconcious is telling me to hang in there? Only time will tell.

So what about you -- do you believe that dreams can be interpreted? Or do you think that dreams are just random thoughts pieced together to form an interesting story? I personally think that if you are dreaming and learn a lesson in the process, that's all that matters. Dreams are, afterall, so very personal. I'd love to hear about anything you've learned while dreaming!

Healing.

This weekend wasn't really about fireworks or cookouts for me. It was more about healing and taking in each moment and really working on loving myself. I have been going through some pretty big things lately both in my professional life as well as personally. For me, there is no better place to heal than the mountains... so Friday after work I drove to Fincastle, Virginia and met up with some friends for the weekend. I wasn't ready to head back to the City on Sunday, so I drove right past my exit and continued driving until I reached my parents lake house.

There is nothing better than escaping into nature for some deep introspection. And no better place to think, than when you're surrounded by mountains and fresh air. I am so lucky to have so many good people in my life, and one of the most freeing moments for me was sitting outside and talking to good friends under more than a thousand visible stars. You just don't get views like that in the City. For the first time in a very long time, I didn't feel like I was trapped or suffocated.

How could you feel anything but free when you're waking up every morning to this view:

Or when you're driving hours away from your home, and you're surrounded by this:

Sometimes life and circumstance gets in the way of truly living every moment, breathing in each breath and really feeling replenished. I hope that this weekend, you were able to feel a little more alive and a little more free.

An epiphany, if you will.

Call me dramatic, but I had an epiphany this weekend. . . something really clicked and I feel like it was pretty life changing. I am the kind of person who likes to think that I live in the moment, when in reality. . . I question things to death and only leap when I'm 110% sure I will be successful. Sometimes I feel like I can't make any mistakes, because I worry about how it will effect my husband, if my parents will be proud, if my friends will think I'm smart, if my boss will find me interesting -- I really care what other people think. I hate admitting that, but I do. I'm only human, right?

Anyway, I have been battling this desire to go to hair school for a while now. Actually, I wanted to take cosmotology in high school. . . but I didn't because I thought my parents would be more proud if I went to college and got a degree in something, for lack of a better term, ''normal''. You know, the typical nine to five office job. I also didn't tell anyone that I wanted to go, because I cared too much what my friends would think. Last year around this time I told Sean that I was seriously considering a career change: I wanted to go to hair school, quit social work, and become a hair stylist.

He had some legit issues with that. One, we owe a LOT in student loans. Neither of our parents paid for us to attend college, and every month we have to pay. Two, I have invested a LOT into this field. I went to college for 4 years to study it, I completed 2 internships, and as soon as I graduated I got a job in my field. Social work doesn't pay well, but having a salary and nice benefits makes it a pretty stable job. So. . . I brushed it aside and decided to just get my master's and find a way to make myself happy doing what I've been doing for the past several years.

But, a year has passed and I still want to go. I've even googled versions of ''negative aspects of being a hair dresser'' for months trying to talk myself out of it. I went to a hair school two weeks ago, and it only made me want it more. I love the aspect of being around people all day, no progress reports or quarterly reviews, no office, no hiding my tattoos and absolutly no pretending I'm some one that I'm not. It's no secret that I'm not exactly money-driven. . . success in my eyes is being in an environment that makes me happy. I don't want to dread work everyday, who does?!

Thinking about switching my career totally freaks me out. I get this feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I need to barf and at times I think it's EASIER to just stay where I'm at. Even if it means being miserable. I've been going back and forth on this for a whole year. . . until recently.

Well. It all started on Wednesday when one of my best friends, Denise, suggested that I contact one of the bloggers that I follow and get their perspective. My other best friend, Brittany agreed and gave me a little pep-talk about how I cannot keep worrying about other people and their opinions (don't you love those chats?) Feeling better, I emailed Brandi from Mucho Mucho Bueno Bueno and some of the things she said really got to me. She talked about how much fun she was having, how successful her shop is, the creativity, the people, the positivity. I was absolutly in love (especially since I'd been only thinking about the hard parts of the job, trying to talk myself out of it). Sometimes you really just need to focus on the positives, and the direction that your life CAN take if you choose to follow a different path every now and then.

Then I met some one on Thursday. He sealed the deal. I jokingly call him my ''soul mate'', but I met this 78 year old sailor and we talked for several hours -- epitomy of living the moment. This guy grew up in Liverpool (he saw the Beatles LIVE!!!), came to the United States, attempted a nine to five and then finally said screw it! This isn't for me! Guess what he's doing now? Living on a house boat and traveling the world. How cool is that?!

He has made some mistakes in his life, but the most important thing I learned was that he would never change anything about his circumstance. You only have one life -- this is IT. No matter what you believe about what happends when we die, the here and now is the only thing we know for certain. And I don't want to look back on my life at 78 with regrets. . . I want to be like this guy, who has seen and done everything he's wanted to see and do, and who is happy and healthy because he has followed his heart. I love how at 78, he still goes swimming every day and has so much energy and knowledge - he is so young at heart.

Yes, it's a huge risk. Money will be an issue and I'll probably have to work two jobs while I build up my clientele. Hair school sucks and I'll be leaving my full time job every night to study hair for 4 hours. But the bigger risk is NOT doing it. Because guess what. . . the older you get, the harder it is to change careers. I have no children who depend on me, Sean has a steady job, I'm healthy - I can handle it! Worst case scenario, I hate it and I fall back on my degree. Best case scenario, I succeed and I have a job that I love. . . and with that comes a happy outlook and less stress.

I think I owe it to myself to take this risk, and to really practice what I preach about living in the moment and not taking life for granted. I also owe it to my friends and family - for them to see that even if this is a mistake, I can pull myself back up and find a new plan. That it's ok to keep searching until your happy; that we don't have to ever ''settle''.

So time to get serious about hair schools, do some more visits, and make a decision on a school! Hopefully by the end of the summer :)

On a lighter note, I got to go to a work conference with Sean over the weekend :) I'm really lucky that my husband likes me enough to pay so much in order for me to attend -- and also really lucky that while he was in meetings, I got to read on a beach and watch sail boats all day! We went to a wine tasting, and as you can tell. . . it was fun!



Have you ever made a decision that you were afraid of, because you knew it had the possibility to totally change your life for the better?