a little bit about one of my biggest heros.

-credit-

Many of you have been following this blog long enough to know about the complete transformation my life took after donating my kidney to my god-brother, Mitchell. He is seriously the strongest person that I have ever met, and at times I have to remind myself that he is indeed human. It's hard to remember that he isn't a super hero, that he experiences pain and fights so hard from day to day. Mitchell is one of those people who never complains, never cries, never expects special treatment or sympathy. He's incredibly strong and he's a fighter. Whenever I am going through a hard time, I think 'what would Mitchell do?' and I am instantly humbled and inspired.

This past month, and especially week, has been one that's reminded me of just how human Mitchell really is, and how he struggles daily just for some form of normalcy. He needs another transplant, and until they can find a match he will have to begin dialysis. The thought of this literally makes me sick to my stomach, because I remember my grandfather (who mind you, lived not only a normal childhood but a fully enriched life) going to and from dialysis and coming home exhausted and broken. I remember sitting at the kitchen table with my grandfather and him telling me that he would rather be dead than have to continue ''living'' like he was - and as young as I was at the time, I remember feeling those words down to my core. I remember hurting for him. I remember never wanting anyone to ever have to go through that. This image is what pressed me to donate my kidney in the first place.

Mitchell needs support now more than ever. Please visit his website here and participate in any way that you can. For some, this means donating money. For others, it may mean spreading his story and building awareness. For others, prayer or positive and healing vibes. Whatever it is that you can give, I can assure you that my family appreciates it.

And even if you never visit the website, please remember a time this week, this hour, this minute where you felt truly happy and fulfilled. Think about this moment, and cherish it. Remind yourself of the good in your life, and the blessings that you have been given. We only have so much time here, and my wish for you is that you acknowledge each millisecond of it. That you use each moment to better yourself and that when your time comes, you leave this world better than how you found it.

where i have been.

I have been missing from this space for a little while, because I have been so busy transforming my life into a state that is so much healthier and happier. I have been trusting and listening to myself, surrounding myself with positive people, and literally enjoying every moment -- taking life in and loving where I am right now and where I will end up when my lease ends in August.

Pete and I have been feeling lonely since Sean moved out with Samson in November, and I have been on the lookout for a lab or lab mix puppy. I wanted a puppy because let's be honest, without cable or internet I am more than ready to take on the challenge and devote myself completely to our newest addition. Wednesday I found an amazing couple with lab/hound mix puppies, and from the moment we spoke I knew it wouldn't be long before we brought a puppy home. We picked up Hannah on Friday after I got off work, and I feel as though for now our little ''pack'' is complete. Her mother was a stray, so we've been working on de-worming issues (after 2 treatments there have been no worms in sight for two days!!!)... but other than that, I think she's pretty happy in her new home.

The four of us spent the entire weekend with my neighbor India who is quickly becoming a best friend and her two pups. We ate way too many burgers, laughed harder than I have in a long time, had heart to hearts, and discovered a new found love in Maker's Mark and Dr. Pepper ;) We also met up with one of our other amazing girlfriends, Sarah Anne, and did a little shopping and went out to lunch -- I am so blessed to have these incredible women in my life, and they came at just the right time. I truly belive the Universe has a way of balancing things out, and that they are in my life for a very distinct reason.

Life is pretty good right now, and if I've learned anything from separating from my high school sweetheart, it's that trusting yourself is the key to happiness. I won't say that there aren't times when I don't think about Sean or miss the feeling of comfort and security that come with being in a relationship, but I know this path is right for me.

These two melt my heart :)

long weekends never feel quite so long...

I had such a relaxing Thanksgiving holiday this year, and I hope that those of you reading out there in the cyber world were able to kick up your feet for a bit during this not-so-long-feeling weekend. I can proudly say that Cyber Monday has been good to me, and I am already 1/2 way done with my Christmas shopping!

{Sean is getting so spoiled this year; I love it ;)}

And check out the view from my parking deck this morning, not too shabby...

Don't you just love fog? I secretly pretended the Manchester Bridge was in San Fran this morning...

oh to dream!

Top 5 things that I loved about this weekend:

[01.] Getting my hair done!!

Before...

...After!

[02.] Making from scratch what my father-in-law now calls "the BEST pumpkin pie he has ever tasted in his life"

{yes, he was talking about food that I made! that was actually edible! and damn good!}

[03.] Hanging out with my in-laws and eating entirely too much food.

{Pete relaxing at grandma's...real men wear pink wink wink}

[04.] Buying a Christmas bed for the pups and rotating between naps and holiday movies.

[05.] Sleeping in. Snacking all day long. Snuggling. Staying out late. Table top dancing with friends. Red wine. White wine. PBR. Laughing. Brunch with my best friends. Motivating myself to train for a half marathon. Realizing that I actually miss working out. IHop with my parents and grandma. Big Love marathons. Watching Home Alone 34712389573489057345 times. Home made popcorn. Shopping. Themed parties. New socks. Singing loudly and obnoxiously. Eating some more.

26 Days 'Til Christmas!!

{I like the build up better than the actual day, anyone else out there feel the same?}

Pieces of April



In a dark and twisted way, Pieces of April is my favorite Thanksgiving movie. Ever. It's a story about a girl and her struggle to build some sort of relationship with her estranged family in a final attempt to make contact by inviting them to her apartment for Thanksgiving dinner. Her and her mother have a vile relationship and she refers to herself as "the first pancake" aka the one you're supposed to throw away. Every time I hear this character say that, I can't help but cry. There are several similar moments scattered throughout this film.

Relationships are hard. Family relationships are even harder. But the hardest relationship that I have ever encountered in my life is the relationship that I have with my mother. She's not dying, and she has never told me that I was worthless or that she's happier without me around, but we [like most mothers and their daughters] have our fair share of "issues". Growing up we were in constant battle, and I remember laying at her feet screaming and crying and spouting out how much I hated her with so much anger that I felt as if my body would explode and shatter into a billion peices. I am "the first pancake" and sometimes I have felt as though I was her experiment... that she learned what worked and didn't with me and saved the best parenting for my younger brother. Sometimes I feel that she favors him, that she tries harder to understand him and in general just likes being around him more. It's a lonely feeling. And in response to these feelings, I tend to isolate myself and put up walls. In the process, I have done a really great job at becoming an outsider to my family members. It's not really something that I'm proud of.

I don't have a relationship with my brother, and to be honest I try to keep my distance from the rest of my family because we have trouble talking to each other and in general, just being together. I can always talk to my dad, he's the exception, but it's my mother that seems to be the ultimate challenge. It's amazing that some one has as much control over my thoughts and feelings as she does. She has the power to make me the happiest or unhappiest person, the power to brighten or ruin my day. And the funny thing is, no matter how many times I tell myself that I never want to see her again -- within weeks I am already talking to her and trying to find a way to spend the holiday's with her. It's difficult. And I know it's confusing for the people around me. It's confusing to me. But there's something there that keeps me coming back to her; something about her that I cannot live without.

Sometimes I feel like I am still attached to her by an imaginary umbilical cord - when the connection isn't there I feel as though I am suffocating, starving. But when we are reconnected, I feel as though survival is possible. I feel almost unstoppable.

For a while I thought that I could find a make-shift family. I surrounded myself with my friends and for a while I had myself believing that this could work, that I was totally okay with cutting myself off from my mom and brother. But something always pulls me back in. I think that no matter what happens in my life, I will always strive for that relationship with my mother. There's a hollow place in my soul that only my family can fill, and I think that this movie reminds me of that. It reminds me that no matter how much pain they may cause, how many hurtful things are said or done, I need my family. I need my mom. And that's the perfect message that I need to be reminded of, especially around the holiday's.

Nature, Family & Food.

This weekend was relaxing {minus the 14 hour migraine Saturday & Sunday in which I wanted to D.I.E.}. When I got home from work on Friday I got into one of my "cleaning freak outs" and went around the loft with my bleach bottle for about 3 1/2 hours. This tends to happen every few weeks and for some reason I do it whenever I'm extremely stressed out - Sean knows by now to stay out of my way. I finished the night off with pizza and a movie in my pajamas. Perfect.

Sean's cousin and her family came into town from North Carolina, and we decided to get together and visit Maymont Park with their little baby, Elizabeth. We had so much fun talking and laughing that I almost didn't realize the exercise we were getting as we walked up and down hills for two hours. Mental Note: Should have left the cute boots at home.

Anyway, here are some pics I snapped on our little adventure:



trees are always my favorite subject.

the piggy's are my favorite!

Happy Girl!

Sean testing his wing span...pretty impressive!

We could not have asked for nicer weather!

Yesterday I was so bummed because I woke up and my head was still throbbing. All week I have been craving this Chicken Crescent Ring that my mom used to make us growing up and I was dying to share it with Sean and my in-laws. Luckily, my migraine finally went away and we called Sean's parent's over for a nice dinner --

I Cooked...



Can you believe how yummy this looks? I was so happy because everyone knows I'm not the best cook, and we all went back for seconds! You can find the recipe that I used here, and there are sooooo many different ways to make this.

So dang yummy!!!

{so proud I didn't burn the loft down or poison anyone!}

What did you do this weekend?

Vaccinations?

"Just knowing you exist changed the world for me."

Tiffanie DeBartolo (God-Shaped Hole)

This is probably pretty silly. But I've been thinking about what kind of mother I want to be. I figure, why not start now. When I have time to plan ahead and prepare myself for everything that's about to happen. Because I will be responsible for another persons little life, and I will be the only mother that they ever have. Even if it's 3... 4... 5... years down the road, this is something that I've dreamt about my entire life.

So, if you are a mother and you are reading this... please share your memories, dreams, realities. The good and the bad. I feel like I was meant to be a mother. I know that may sound funny, but I am nurturing and loving and am so excited for the day that a child enters my life. It may be really, really hard. Probably not always fun. But definitely worth it.

Lately I have been reading a lot about vaccinations. I want to learn more about this, because I feel that my first decision as a parent will be if my child is vaccinated or not... especially since I now know that the Hepatitis B vaccine is typically given before the baby even leaves the hospital. Before their tiny immune systems have had the time to adjust to life outside of the womb. Not to mention, Hepatitus is usually contracted by exposure to the disease through sex, dirty needles or transferred from the mother during childbirth - not really something that most babies are at risk for. And they will have to be re-vaccinated around age 7. And I don't think I like that. The whole idea of vaccinations seems wonderful on the surface, but the more I read about possible side effects of autism, brain damage, seizures and SIDS... the more I wonder, is this worth it?

I want to have a natural birth. No drugs. And I would prefer a water birth at home. I especially don't want to circumcise my future son. So if I am taking all of these precautions... not drinking or smoking while pregnant, not using an epidural to ease what I am sure will be the most intense pain of my life, choosing to breast feed... why would I consider putting a foreign object into my child's body? I didn't even realize, but vaccines do not make you immune to a disease for life... so while I had chickenpox as a child and can now be exposed as an adult and be fine, some one who has had the vaccine is still at risk for catching this disease in later life, when it is much more dangerous and can often be deadly. Why not have "Chicken Pox Parties" like I had as a child... where they may get a little ill for a few days, but they will be immune for the rest of their lives?

Also, the United States has one of the highest reportings of SIDS in the entire world. And the peak death averages are around 3 months, 6 months and 9 months... coincidentally when babies are given groups of vaccines. Or is it a coincidence? That really freaks me out.

Maybe I am making a big deal out of something that I shouldn't. I am just not sure I am ready to close my eyes and hope that my child isn't perminently damaged from a shot that was meant to protect them. Any parents out there have ideas on this? How did you decide what to do... because I know that if my husband & I decide not to vaccinate... we will have to be armed with reasons why we chose this option for our child.

{i do believe in fairies}

Family.

This weekend was spent laughing and playing all day long with my two nephews, Bruce & Thomas. It reminded me of how special these moments are and to cherish them forever. Since they live in South Carolina, I was happy that Sean & his brother were able to spend some time together. We are going to plan a trip soon, because this visit reminded us how much we miss them.

It also reminded me of the warmth that is felt just being around people that you love. I really enjoyed watching Sean play with the boys, and seeing how much they look up to him.

Family is everything.

{Christmas 2009}

Best Cuddler Around!

{Meet Samson}

I think it is facinating that our pets can some how sense when we are not quite ourselves and possibly even a little sad. Lately I have not been myself, and nobody realizes this as much as my pup. We adopted Samson from the pound the November before last, and I actually feel like we have had him since he was a puppy. I can't remember life without him. He is probably the sweetest and cutest dog around {yes, he's better than yours!} and it's obvious how much he loves all of us - me, Sean, Pete, Imogen.... and basically anyone who walks through our door.

There's no bigger ego boost than watching Samson wait patiently for me while I'm getting ready - because he knows that after I get dressed in the mornings, I always always always sneak back into bed for another 30 minutes. He watches me with his big droopy eyes and usually has his tongue hanging out.... and then we climb into bed and he snuggles up as close as he possibly can to me. Pete is already waiting for me... but Samson waits for me to get back into bed. Lately he has been super cuddly and I think it's because he knows I've been sad. He doesn't know why... and he doesn't really need to understand that I am sad about my friend who passed away or that I am unhappy in my current job. He just sits and rests his head on my shoulders. When I got back from my friend's funeral, he layed with me while I cried. He is truly a support to me unlike any other.

I went to therapy today {which I highly reccomend, because it's nice to talk about yourself to some one every few weeks and just have them listen} and started thinking about how much I appreciate my family. My husband is such a great guy - and he allows me to be independent while also letting me know that he is there if I need him. We've been together since I was 14 years old and have gone through the good, bad and ugly... and he's never left my side! Pete is the baby of the family, and he makes me feel needed. Which is always nice. He's also a pretty good cuddler and absolutley loves tennis balls. Imogen is always good for a laugh. I love watching her play hide and seek with the dogs... and she has a great sense of humor. But Samson - he is like an old soul. He know's me and I think he really does understand me.

Maybe it's weird to dedicate today's blog to my pets - Samson in general - but they are always there to listen and I think that sometimes I forget that. They never interrupt or expect anything in return. My dogs and my ferrett help keep me connected to nature. They remind me that all living beings are the same - we all want to feel safe and we all need to be loved. No matter what happends today - I know my pets will have my back once I get home. And as for Sean... he made the best dang vegan chili around last night! He's pretty cool too :)

Snow Day!!!

Today was such an awesome day -- we got around a foot of snow... and we love snow around here! Our two pups, Samson & Pete played around in it throughout the day and Sean & I played video games, I did some knitting, cleaned the loft and made snow cream {a family tradition!}

Here are some pics of the pups enjoying their snow cream:

 

yum yum!

two happy puppies :)

 

samson looooooves this stuff!

all over his face... but cute!

little pete -- he was too busy eating to pose for a picture!

I needed today. A day to relax, veg out and forget about everything that's been stressing me out. I love days spent with my beautiful family... and I hope it keeps snowing and snowing so that the fun can continue!

I hope you got to see a little snow today, too! Here is the recipe I use:

1 cup milk
1/2 cup sugar
scant 1/2 teaspoon vanilla
large bowl of snow (about 3 quarts)
Blend milk, sugar and vanilla. Stir in enough snow to make snow cream to an ice cream consistency.

Sometimes I add chocolate syrup for variety... but it's good plain and keeps in the freezer for a few days :)