a little bit about one of my biggest heros.

-credit-

Many of you have been following this blog long enough to know about the complete transformation my life took after donating my kidney to my god-brother, Mitchell. He is seriously the strongest person that I have ever met, and at times I have to remind myself that he is indeed human. It's hard to remember that he isn't a super hero, that he experiences pain and fights so hard from day to day. Mitchell is one of those people who never complains, never cries, never expects special treatment or sympathy. He's incredibly strong and he's a fighter. Whenever I am going through a hard time, I think 'what would Mitchell do?' and I am instantly humbled and inspired.

This past month, and especially week, has been one that's reminded me of just how human Mitchell really is, and how he struggles daily just for some form of normalcy. He needs another transplant, and until they can find a match he will have to begin dialysis. The thought of this literally makes me sick to my stomach, because I remember my grandfather (who mind you, lived not only a normal childhood but a fully enriched life) going to and from dialysis and coming home exhausted and broken. I remember sitting at the kitchen table with my grandfather and him telling me that he would rather be dead than have to continue ''living'' like he was - and as young as I was at the time, I remember feeling those words down to my core. I remember hurting for him. I remember never wanting anyone to ever have to go through that. This image is what pressed me to donate my kidney in the first place.

Mitchell needs support now more than ever. Please visit his website here and participate in any way that you can. For some, this means donating money. For others, it may mean spreading his story and building awareness. For others, prayer or positive and healing vibes. Whatever it is that you can give, I can assure you that my family appreciates it.

And even if you never visit the website, please remember a time this week, this hour, this minute where you felt truly happy and fulfilled. Think about this moment, and cherish it. Remind yourself of the good in your life, and the blessings that you have been given. We only have so much time here, and my wish for you is that you acknowledge each millisecond of it. That you use each moment to better yourself and that when your time comes, you leave this world better than how you found it.

Check it! - v.01

Hey, bloggers! One thing that I really love about Richmond City is the art scene, and how everywhere you turn there's something beautiful to look at -- be it murals, statues, art shows, or even just plain old graffiti. Another thing that I really, really love is supporting local artists and small businesses. I think that's really important, because where would we be without the creative backbones in our communities?



Each week I want to spend a little time highlighting some of the things I've discovered, and I'd love for you to include some links in the comment section of things you have found as well!





One thing that caught my eye this week was this amazing print I found on Etsy. Maymont Park is one of my favorite places in Richmond, and this spot is a favorite for many weddings and outdoor parties. I encourage you to check out Art Skark Designs -- maybe you'll find an adorable print of your city!


Another obsession that I have is The Bungaloe Market, and although this isn't really ''Richmond'' related, I thought I'd share anyway.... because I can't tell you the amount of time I spend each week drooling over this shop! I love this knit hat, and a friend bought me this cowl for Christmas and I've worn it almost every single day (kind of sad it's getting warmer and I'll have to put it away for a while)!


Last but certainly not least, is one of my favorite places to look at art in Richmond -- Art Works. Sean and I had our wedding reception here, and every now and then we like to visit and look at all of the local art on display. They have a ton of cool things going on this month, and if you happen to be in the area I highly recommend checking them out!


[On an entirely different note, it's been exactly 1 year since the transplant. I don't really feel much different, other than a dull pain in my side that seems to come and go - which is normal. Mitchell seems to be doing ok for the time being, and my kidney seems to be working for him a little better than it had been several weeks ago. Crazy to think that this time last year, I was in a hospital bed! Time really flies, and this year has taught me so much about living for the moment and living life to the absolute fullest!]

mitchell.

As many of you know, I donated my kidney to my god-brother last April. It's been a long, difficult, frustrating and altogether emotional rollercoaster since then. And these are just my emotions, I cannot even imagine what thoughts are going through Mitchell's mind or what pain is running through his body. It's been a very long year, and I can honestly say that it has changed my life. As much as my kidney has done for his body, he has done ten times over for my outlook on life and my faith in humanity. I will forever be greatful to Mitchell for that.

I always feel selfish when I get bad news about Mitchell, because I don't feel like I have the right to get angry or upset. And I realize how strange that much sound, but I honestly struggle with my emotions and what is and isn't the ''right feeling.'' Nevermind that there isn't a right or wrong way to feel, it's just that I feel like this area of my life is like walking through a dark room. And listening to a mother, my god-mother, holding back tears on the other end of the line, and breathing deeply trying to collect any ounce of strength that may be left just to hide the pain in her voice -------- how am I supposed to respond to that? I try to stay strong, but I fear that it comes off as cold and un-attached. And then when I actually listen to what she says, I have to pull the phone away and close my eyes shut as hard as I can and force the tears back. Because once they come, I can't make them stop.

All of this feels incredibly selfish to me, because even though my connection with Mitchell is one of the deepest I've ever felt... I am not in any pain. I can still go on vacations when I feel like it. I had my childhood and was able to enjoy it. I got to play sports when I was younger. The more I think about it, the madder I get until I am so consumed with frustration that there is nothing more I can do but cry. Sometimes I feel like I don't have the ''right'' to cry. That I need to be strong and positive and comforting to Mitchell and my god-mother. Sometimes I feel incredibly sorry for myself, because I feel like I let them down somehow. Saying that outloud doesn't really make sense, but I feel it.

Sometimes I think about the day that I decided that I would give my kidney to Mitchell. My god-mother says that I even spoke up the first time he needed help, but I remember two years ago. I was at one of those outdoor concerts in the summer and with a group of my friends, when I saw my god-sister. We talked for a little while and I asked about Mitchell, and she said he needed a kidney transplant. I can't really explain it, but I got this rush and I instantly knew that I wanted to do it -- I called my parents right there and told them I was going to do it, and I called my god-mother and told her that I was 110% ready and asked who I needed to contact to start testing. It's a long process, and not only do you have to have compatable blood (I'm 0-)... but you have to do cross-matches and all kinds of tests to make sure that your antogens ''get along'' and other things that I don't really understand.

Throughout the process, my parents and Sean's parent's had a really hard time. And honestly, so did my god-mother. Every day I was questioned about if it was something I really wanted to do. I had a million chances to back out, but it never once crossed my mind. Sometimes I think about what I know now, and I still feel that this is what I was meant to do. I have never once regretted my decision. If I could go back in time and do it all over again, I would.

Yesterday Mitchell had a doctor's visit and we were all trying to stay positive and hoping for good news. And as usual, it seems as though he can't catch a break. Something is now going on with Mitchell's blood and he needs a blood transfusion. They are also looking for another kidney donor. I don't really understand all of the details, and I don't ask as many questions as I should because it's overwhelming. But I am just asking that you think of Mitchell today and his family. All of us are really struggling right now.

a letter to the universe.

I got another phone call today. Some days I can roll with the punches, while other days the reality hits me deep into my soul and it feels like my insides are getting ripped out and I am punched in the gut and the universe throws her hands up into the air as if saying you are mine to play with, to toss around like a tiny ship in the deep sea. to throw like a frisbee so far up into the sky that those around you look tiny like little marching ants, unable to relate or hear you. A tiny dice, 'pass go; do not collect two hundred dollars'.

But then I am reminded, I am the universe. You are the universe. Mitchell is the universe. She is the universe. My parents are the universe. And that man who cut me off in traffic... he is the universe. And I sit for a moment, tossing a handful of acorns around between my finger tips. Reminding me that this is life and I am alive and this is so very, very real. The wind is blowing and the sun is blinding me and I desperately try to stay centered by focusing on those acorns and remembering that life is real, and it's all we've got.

I listen to my godmother say the words that she has said so many times before and will likely say again and again until she is blue in the face. Mitchell is back in the hospital. And as she is speaking, I'm not really listening to her words but rather focusing on those tiny acorns and repeating Stop it. Don't think about it. Every time my face gets hot and my breath shortens and I use all of the strength in my body to hold back the flood wall keeping back tears that once they are released, never seem to stop coming. I tuck those acorns into my pocket and swear to myself that this moment will be burned into my memory. If I ever feel like things aren't real enough - those acorns will bring me back to this moment. This moment when things just got a little too real.

I didn't give her a lot of emotion. And I feel guilty and pleased all at once because her baby is in the hospital and she doesn't need to comfort me when she's the one who needs to be comforted. The idea that we can be there for each other hasn't even crossed my mind because I don't know how and I muster up another 'keep me updated' before coldly tuning out and hanging up. I start feeling the tears come, hot and salty, and this time louder I shout to myself Stop it. Stop thinking about it. This person, who I physically share more with than even my husband - why did I not sense that he was sick again. My organ now lives inside of his body and I curse it under my breath, because it didn't do what I thought it would... it didn't make him better. I didn't get to choose how this one would turn out. We don't get to have control.

I tried to distract my attention by rubbing my fingers against the acorns which were hidden in my pocket. I got on the elevator, greeted my co workers, and put on a fancy smile. I repeated it's okay over and over until I believed it and I ate my sandwich and drank my water and pretended everything really was alright. These phone calls are an emotional roller coaster. Disbelief. Worry. Sadness. Anger, such as why can't those goddamn doctors find out what's wrong with him. Ultimatley they end in guilt, because I get to go home to my family and Mitchell doesn't. Not today and not tomorrow and probably not the day after that.

[The funny thing, is how I was literally just thinking about how much hospitals give me the creeps. Hospitals suck and anyone whose ever had to spend the night there knows that the only thing you're thinking about is when do I get to go home.]

But I think that because we make up the universe and because Mitchell is the universe and I am the universe and you are the universe and he is the universe and those doctors are the universe, I think that there is a lot to be said about our thoughts and the energy that we give the situation at hand. The universe does not throw up her hands and leave us all alone, because she is all of us together. And I have to learn how to lean on others and for them to lean on me and to find that balance. I have to find that balance and accept when things go differently than what I had planned or Mitchell had planned or anyone else for that matter. I have to trust that my kidney is doing all that it can for Mitchell's body and if it doesn't last even a year, at least it bought him some time and at least maybe it bought the doctor's some time and they will someday know what is going on.

I have to give out positive energy and not feed into the negative, which is so much easier said than done. I have to remember that we are all in this together, and that I do not have all the answers, and that the universe will embrace all of our souls and wrap us all up together and open us back up again like a shiny box tied up with a big, red bow.

how i define love.

People ask me all the time why I call my blog Once There Was a Tree. Sometimes I am surprised that friends have not read the book, but The Giving Tree is on the top of my favorite books... ever. Sure, there are other more adult books on that list, but nothing is as dear to my heart than this story. I cry every time I read it.

The book has gotten some criticism. People go on and on about how it encourages abusive relationships and how it's not really the best way to teach children about how to love others. I choose to ignore these comments, because I think they're ignorant. No offense, but people will find fault with anything. Please don't do that to this book, which encompasses my entire childhood and code of ethics which I have based my entire life upon!

When I was little, I spent all my time with a tree. Some people had imaginary friends {I had them, too... what can I say, I was an imaginitive child} - I had this tree. I used to sing and dance with her, tell her my deepest darkest secrets, laugh and sometimes cry underneath the comfort of her branches. The connection we shared was unlike anything I have ever experienced again. You can roll your eyes all you want, but until you have a conversation with a tree... you probably won't ever understand the magic I have felt. Spending time alone in nature is the best therapy out there, trust me.

Anyway, one day I looked outside of my window and I watched a big ugly tractor cut her down and take her away. She was gone. I cried and cried and my mother did everything in her power to comfort me, but it was no use. I tried everything to bring her back. I tried planting seeds inside of her stump, gave her lots of oatmeal {hey, I was four years old!!} and when all my efforts seemed to fail, I sat at her stump and spun my fingers along her rings -- praying to anything that would listen, begging to bring her back. It didn't work.

So I relate to this book. I really get it. During my childhood, I was that boy. So it was through those pages in that book that I learned about love. Love for myself, my family, and most of all - humanity. No critic can ever take those memories away from me, or make me feel any different about this story.

When I was in college, I donated blood for the very first time. I often joke about Va Blood Services being run by vampires, because as soon as we discovered that my blood was 0 negative, it's like they keep my number on speed dial. Seriously. But when I found this out, I just knew that I had a responsibility to the world. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but being able to donate blood and various other body parts to anyone made me feel special. I have always felt that if a person needed something from me and I was able to give it, I should. No questions asked.

And I know that this book is why I feel this way. The connection that I have with the words and pictures makes it all click. That tree gave the boy everything she had. And she was happy knowing that he was happy. That is love.

Many of you know that I donated my kidney in April. I think that my decision was so easy to make... almost to the point of being obvious... because I knew that I was 0 negative and I feel this enormous responsibility to give whatever I can - like the tree. A lot of my family members and friends didn't understand at first, but by the time I went into surgery, they got it.

Another thing that made it pretty clear - when we looked at my kidneys and the doctors decided which one would be best for the donation, they decided that it had to be my right kidney. A year or two ago I had the giving tree tattooed on my right side, as a perminent remind to give everything I can to humanity.

What more confirmation could I possibly need?

So this is my challenge to you: to give to humanity in any way that you can. Life has a way of coming full circle, and I know that one day I will need some one to save me and the stars will align and the universe will speak and some one will be there for me. Maybe even some one I don't know. We are all in this together, and we have to stand by eachother in order to survive. The world needs all the compassion it can get, and there is so much of it to give. Remember: we are all individuals, but we are also all human beings. We have the same wants, needs and desires. No matter your race, culture or background - everyone wants to be loved.

Friday Morning.

{some of the beautiful gifts i've recieved this week...}

"A cheerful friend is like a sunny day spreading brightness all around."

{ John Lubcock}

I have so much that I have wanted to say to all of you... and I'm still not sure how my emotions will be able to fit in this tiny space. This time last week I was in an incredible ammount of pain, crossing my fingers that I would be home soon - lucky for me Saturday afternoon I was discharged from the hospital. Mitchell was discharged last Saturday as well, but since then he has traveled back and forth and is currently struggling to keep his blood pressure under control. His kidney is doing well, but if they do not get his medications corrected it could lead to further damage. Please continue to send supportive and loving vibes -- he still needs us rooting for him.

This week has been such a blessing otherwise. My mother came to visit and it was nice having her all to myself. We shopped, went out to eat, watched movies... all in all I had an amazng time with her. Also, she was there when I needed dread maintainence and and even volunteered to clean my floors. Mom's are so great in that way. Those tiny yet ultimate examples of love that they sprinkle over their children, who still desperately need them no matter what their age.

It has been nice sleeping in my own bed. I think I dream better there, rather than a hospital bed where nurses come checking vital signs and drawing blood every hour. I have also realized just how special a goodnight kiss is from my husband as I drift off to sleep. He is so good to me. I think this experience has opened my eyes to how much I am loved, and how much I love and appreciate those around me.

I do believe that I have been changed. I worry about Mitchell as if he was my blood-born brother and feel connected to him in a way that I've never felt before. I appreciate little things, such as the ability to walk down the street - taking a special interest in birds singing. Especially robins. Being outside is an entirely new blessing, and when the breeze touches my cheek I feel as though Mother Earth is leaving behind a gentle kiss. I didn't realize it before, but this surgery put my life on the line and made me realize what is truly important. As I was being wheeled into the OR, the only things passing through my mind were my husband, my family, friends & my dogs. For the first time I wasn't concerned with how I looked or what I was wearing. For the first time I was leaping head first, eyes closed, trusting the steady hand of my surgeon and the transplant team.

Last night I had a dream that I was climbing a book shelf. I kept climbing higher and higher and noticed that someone was chasing me. As I began to climb even faster books began to fall from their shelves and I found it harder and harder to keep hold of the shelf. Then my hand rested on a tiny, pocket sized paper back. I made it to the top of the shelf and was greeted by a professor who asked me what the most important lesson I had learned while on Earth. I handed over the paperback  - a small book of quotes centering around the importance of peace. The professor mocked me and shook his head; this was not his idea of a passing answer. But I held firmly to that book and when I woke up, realized that the world can be changed one peaceful act at a time.

I gave a peice of myself to Mitchell, and as a result others passed along peices of themselves to me. My life is not over and I still have so much to learn, but I still think that my greatest victory once this life is over will be my fight for peace.

I hope you will join me and together we can change the world.

Quickie-Bloggie

Hello blogging friends! I just wanted to do a quick bloggie today to update everyone on my crazy week. As you can see, my hair is fully dreaded & Jessi did an AMAZING JOB! 5 hours of non-stop backcombing and the journey begins...

{I secretly think Sean likes them}

I have been in the hospital all week and was able to come home on Saturday. Everything has been going well, other than a few days of the worst pain in my life - but I would do it again in a second. The surgeons could not believe that Mitchell's new kidney was producing urine while he was still in the recovery room, and once his blood pressure evens out he will get to come home too.

Since coming home I have been resting and taking it easy. My mom came over today and worked from my loft. We took a little break for shopping, lunch & to visit Mitchell. I will post some pictures soon, but I have about 5 bouquet's of flower's lined up on our counter and dozens of cards... I am so amazed and thankful for the support I have been given and the love I have been shown. It's so good to be home.

Now for a nap.... xoxo

Happy Day!

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” {Howard Thurman}

Yesterday was such a blessing because Samson is feeling much better -thanks to many kind thoughts and prayers- and my wonderful husband surprised me with these lovely flowers {pictured above} last night. This makes today even more special, because I truly feel loved. I woke up feeling happy, optomistic, excited...alive! Sitting here this morning, I keep looking around my office. Almost taking a mental photograph of a place where I spend nearly 50 hours of my week. I am so thrilled that I won't have to work for 2 1/2 weeks... but I still wonder if I will miss this desk, my co-workers or my lovely little teenage clients {heh!}.

But right now, in this moment, all I can think about is being free! Sure, I'll be recovering from surgery... but I can still sit outside and enjoy lunch on our rooftop deck, fall asleep in the middle of the day watching movies, and hopefully do a little shopping in Cary Town.

It's still hard for me to imagine that this is real. That in 3 days one of my organs will be taken out of my body and put into another. The whole concept is facinating... and I am so so so excited to be apart of this process. I feel so lucky that I have been given this opportunity, to give a person their life back. I just know that it will change me and inspire me and give my life more meaning.

So today is not just Friday. It's the last day to run my fingers through my hair before dreading them tomorrow morning, the last day waking up early, and basically the beginning of something so much bigger than I can understand right now.

I hope you find inspiration in today. If nothing else, the sunshine alone should be able to help with that! And never underestimate the power you have in this universe -- you can even change the world if you so desire.

I believe in you.

One Week.

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.

{Ralph Waldo Emerson}

Today is my last full week before the transplant surgery next Tuesday. I am still waiting for the anxiety to come. So far, no sign of it.

This morning I woke up to the rain pounding on my window, and it was not as comforting as usual. I'm just in a weird space today, and feel a little off. Probably because there has been a leak in my ceiling for the past 4 months and the property manager of our loft hasn't kept his word in fixing it. Some people don't realize how sensitive I can be, and it felt good to leave a nasty voicemail this morning... but afterwards I just felt why bother.

I had the most amazing weekend with two of my very good friends, Stuart and Denise. The weather was perfect and it was nice to share our view of the river with them. I am so looking forward to spending a Saturday afternoon with Pete on a nice rock with a blanket, napping in the sun to the sound of the James moving by. I think the rain this morning has depressed me a little... because it's Monday and sunshine always inspires me.

Things are about to change for me, and I have not taken this opportunity lightly. I am so very honored to share my life with Mitchell by giving him something he so desperatly needs: a healthy kidney. To be able to have that much of an impact on some one's life amazes me... and furthers my hope in humanity as a whole. We are all in this together and capable of so much.

I have also thought of ways to improve myself spiritually. You have read about my dread journey and how excited I am to learn about myself through that experince. I look forward to spending a lot of time in nature while I am recovering - there's a healing power that can only be found when one loses themselves in a spring afternoon. I have decided that I may want to try a part time career in journalism of some sort, because I love writing and feel that a creative outlet is exactly what I need at this moment in my life. Being home for a few weeks will give me an opportunity to see what's out there. I also look forward to some quite time of meditation. Things have been so hectic lately that I have neglected my morning ritual of silence, and I am beginning to realize how important this is to my sanity throughout the day.

My mother is coming into town to stay with me for the first week that I am home, and my husband is also going to take off a few days and spend them with me... which makes me feel very loved and cared for. I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know that after next week I will come home with a new outlook on life. I hope to feel inspired, motivated and at peace.

{photo credit}

inner beauty.

{Denise}

I have decided to take a deep breath, step out of my comfort zone & move forward with my dread journey!

I have been so inspired by Denise, pictured above, and her beautiful locks and calming spirit {click the link above to see her wonderful blog - I am truly addicted to it}.

I have done so much research and wanted this for so long that I do not think I could talk myself out of this decision at this point. Some people do not understand this journey... but there has been an overwhelimg stream of support from my family & friends, for which I am truly grateful. This is an opportunity for me to let my personality shine rather than hide it away in my hair. It's just hair!

I am hoping to learn so much about myself and my inner beauty from this experience. I trust that this will teach me a great deal about patience, and also about the beauty in being unique. I am prepared for those mornings when I wake up, look in the mirror and clench as I see a fuzzy mess - totally untamed and with a life of it's own. I am also looking forward to those moments when I look into the mirror and embrace that I am so much more than what is shown on the outside.

I have made my list. metal comb. shampoo. locking accelerator. rubber bands. beads. I am so ready to dive into this journey. I have decided that I do not want to use wax, because I want them to be able to be whispy, free & alive on their own. I will probably leave a few stray peices in the front to add a little characted, and cannot wait to see how it all turns out. Also, any reccomendations you may have are welcome!

I am also thankful that I have a dear friend to help with the long, terrible task of backcombing for hours. Jessi, you are such an awesome friend!

Keep your blogger eyes open... I am having sugery in 2 weeks and think this will be the perfect project while I am in recovery. Pictures will be sure to follow!

xoxo thanks again for your support :)

Be true to y.o.u.

The modern picture of the artist began to form: The poor, but free spirit, plebeian but aspiring only to be classless, to cut himself forever free from the bonds of the greedy bourgeoisie, to be whatever the fat burghers feared most, to cross the line wherever they drew it, to look at the world in a way they couldn't see, to be high, live low, stay young forever -- in short, to be the bohemian. {Thomas Wolfe}

I feel like I need to be true to myself. Some people criticize me for being too "extreme" and I'm not a stranger to people looking at how I live my life with often friendly, but curious minds.Some days I feel like I am constantly defending myself and my creativity, and yesterday was one of those days. This is not devoted to any particular being in my life, just some venting that I have kept in for some time. Some feelings that need to come to surface, for my own sanity.

I choose to live my life for the moment, and that is something that I don't think many people that know me would argue. I am somewhat of an adrenaline junkie and I get bored easily. Some people admire this, and others think I am a little too much. But I think that because I wear my heart on my sleeve, people tend to see that I love people and have an incredible faith in humanity. I have a good heart, and that is what matters most to me.

Sometimes I think about something and I don't tell others because I am afraid of their reaction. This week I realized that my life is about to change dramatically. I am giving my kidney to my god-brother next month... and there are a lot of complex emotions that have come to surface through this journey. What I have felt the most, is that life is precious and nobody should try and stop another person from being unique. I have felt happiness and love and compassion so strongly that I feel my heart could explode at any moment. In short, I have been on a constant high and feel that this journey will only lead to more journies. This is life.

So I have realized that the way I look and act is a reflection of myself, and that while I value others opinions... they do not get the final say. It is my body. It is my mind. Things that I am talking about are my decision to make the change from being a vegetarian to a vegan, the choice to leave my home church and explore my spirituality in other ways different than I was brought up, the fact that I love the ability to express myself through tattoos and body art, and the reality that I have wanted to dread my hair for a long, long time and have allowed others to keep me from that.

I want the freedom to choose without fear of judgement. Afterall, I try my hardest not to judge others and those I respect most are people that break away from the norm and take time to explore themselves. I don't think that people understand why this is important to me at this time in my life. High school & college were difficult, because I was always trying to fit in and no matter what - I always felt like an outsider looking in. I am so tired of worrying about how I look and speding hundreds of dollars on hair dye and products, and I want to explore my femininity without hiding behind my hair. It's just hair for christ sake, why is this what so many women define their beauty by?

I need to teach myself to be a little stronger in these situations. I cannot let others determine the way that I should look, feel, eat or act. I hate feeling like I am being controlled. I love myself and therefore, I must reach as high as I can and do whatever feels right for myself and humanity.

It's time to let my spirit out of it's cage. Either you are with me or against me.

{photo credit}

I'm not really sure where this blog is going today. I have been searching for hours for some sense of inspiration, however all I can think about is that this is the last 3 weeks with my kidney. Don't get me wrong, I love Mitchell and it is such an honor to be able to help him find peace throughout all of this. I guess I am trying to figure out how I am supposed to feel. I am not afraid, but one has to admit that the feeling of giving away an organ is more than a little weird. In three weeks, we will be connected forever in a way that I've never connected with another being.

In a sense I am eager to see Mitchell laugh and run and play again. That's all I have been thinking about since June. No matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to wrap my mind around the fact that by doing somthing so little will produce such a huge impact. Life even. I try not to get emotional about it and to be strong for Mitchell and for my family, but I worry about Mitchell every single day. I think about the pain that he is in and how he has even been able to make it this long. This surgery is not only going to change Mitchell's life, but mine as well.

I have always loved people. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to help in any way that I can. I am drawn to people who need somthing. The homeless. Teenager's who have been abused. Drug addicts. But this is the first time that I feel I am actually stepping up and sacrificing a part of myself for another person. You always hear people talking about those in our communities who are "bad"... but I have never been able to see that, because there is always a reason for their behavior. In this case, Mitchell has done nothing wrong. He's innocent. He's young and has so much ahead of him.

It's hard to be scared for myself when I think about everything that Mitchell has been going through for the past few years. I think what I am gaining most from this experience is a closer connection to humanity and the belief that there is always some one in need, and we should always try our best to help.

home.

Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence. {Hal Borland}

It has been a long two weeks. We have only been in our loft for about 2 days before leaving again, and once we returned on Saturday I felt as though I never wanted to leave it again. It feels good to return to you own bed, lay on your own couch, and snuggle for hours with two dogs I have missed terribly. I also feel a little out of touch with my friends, and am ready for us to re-connect. Quickly.

This week I will start preparing for Mitchell & my transplant surgery that will happen the first week in April. I am working long hours to stay caught up, and making a special effort to see each of my clients before I leave. I keep trying to feel the way that others have been telling me I should feel... waiting for the fear to come or the reality that I am giving up one of my organs for another to have life. I don't feel like a hero or that I am doing anything special, and it's hard to explain this to friends and family when they ask. I know that there is good in each of us, and if anyone was in my position - the only living donor available - I think it would be hard for them to keep themselves from giving anything that they could.

I have actually been anticipating the surgery and almost wanting to hurry the process. I continue to strive to be patient and allow myself to fully prepare for this operation, not to rush it. I am thankful that the days have become longer, allowing me more time outside reflecting on this journey. I feel like this experience has brought me so close to myself and humanity. I am so  grateful that I am able to help -- that next month a teenager will have the opportunity to quit dyalisis and live life once again, without pain.

I continue to learn a lot from nature. Every morning I sit outside and feel surrounded by the calmness that only a cool breeze and the moonlight can bring. We are given so much from Mother Earth, that I am eager to give somthing back. I am also in awe of the steady awareness of life and what is really important that has been shown to me throughout all of the tests and meetings. I continue to appreciate the perspective that this opportunity has brought me.

I know that after I leave the hospital, I will return home. I will feel the comfort of being in a familiar place surrounded by people who love me and who are so important to who I have become. Mitchell will also return home, carrying with him a healthy kidney and hopefully a sense of peace. I am so ready for this connection and the serenity it is sure to bring.

Positively Happy :)

Joel: I can't remember anything without you.

Clementine: That's sweet, but try.

{eternal sunshine of a spotless mind}

I'm in a really corney mood today... and I think it's because I am so happy that my work week is ending on a Tuesday and tomorrow I will be in sunny North Carolina for almost a whole week! I am excited to sleep in a hotel and pretend like Sean & I are on an extravagant vacation {we're going for his work conference - at least the rooms paid for!}. I'm also looking forward to spending the day relaxing and getting some serious exercise in before my transplant surgery next month.... if you didn't already know, I'm a match and Mitchell will get a new chance at a "normal" life very, very soon!!!

I am so thankful that I have had such an incredible ammount of support during this time in my life. I want to be extra healthy before surgery so that things run smoothly. I still can't believe that next month one of my organs will belong to some one else, crazy...

I am certain that this week will be just what I needed: some quality time with myself while Sean is at meetings, and of course some time away from our normal responsibilities to enjoy eachother in a different environment.

life is beautiful right now!

Thank You!

I remember a place... a town... a house like a lot of houses... a yard like a lot of other yards... on a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is, after all these years, I sill look back... with wonder.

{kevin arnold, the wonder year's}

I probably had the best childhood ever. I remember playing for hours in the feild behind our house, exploring through the woods, and lots & lots of swimming. There's an innocence that I will never forget, that still lives inside of me as if I were still 5 years old. I will always remember my old neighborhood and the memories that were made there. As if they are locked in time and will go on living forever.

Life is a gift and as I continue to cherish every moment, I can't help but look around and notice all of the love that surrounds me. My friends, family, husband have all supported me beyond imaginable. Without this support, I would not be the person that I am today. Because of them, my heart is bursting with compassion and love and I want to pay it forward and share this with the world!

Thank you so much for all of the kind words and comfort that have been sent to Mitchell and I as we prepare for this transplant. After one more round of testing, I will prepare for surgery and continue to smile as I think about the tremendous ammount of love that has been shown to our families in this past week. This love is my inspiration, and your friendship gives my life meaning and purpose.

Thank You!!!

Finger's Crossed!!

{my god-brother and god-sister @ his first kidney transplamt}

It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it.

{Albert Einstein}

Today I am going to be re-tested to see if I am eligable to donate my kidney to my god-brother, Mitchell. I was tested last June, but there was a reaction with my kidney tissue so the surgery was held off. I am hoping that things have changed and that his body accepts my tissue, otherwise he will have to take treatments so that we are compatable - if no one else steps forward. There is also the option of a paired kidney donation, which I would be more than willing to do for him.

Mitchell is only 16 years old, and when I think about what I was worried about at 16 {boys, driving, high school} it doesn't even compare. He is so strong. I have a lot of respect for Mitchell, because even though he is in pain, he does not show it. I hope that I am able to help in some way, and if I cannot help then I am sure that there is some one else who will come forward who can.

Everyone deserves a chance at life, especially Mitchell who still has so much ahead of him. Please cross your fingers that I am a match so that we can begin the transplant process. Also send a special prayer, thought, or positive vibe his way.

Namaste

Namaste: I Bow to You!

Today I am reflecting on life and how our entire universe is connected. I am a huuuuuge astronomy freak and was watching something on the Discovery Channel about the planets in our solar system and couldn't bring myself to do anything but watch in amazement. Did you know that the planet Mercury is actually shrinking and that it's core makes up 60% of it's entire body? This could mean that Mercury was actually a much bigger planet, and that some cosmic collision blasted away it's outer layer! Mercury is so close to the Sun that we don't know a lot about it, because it's hard to send a satellite into it's orbit without it getting drawn into the Sun's gravitational pull. This is so cool...there is so much out there to learn and discover!

I have a point to this rant, I swear. My point is that energy does not disappear and so it is my belief that our bodies are made up of the same energy that created this universe and beyond. We are breathing the same recycled air of our ancestors, and when we burry our loved ones their bodies decompose and become apart of the Earth. I could not exist without you, and you could not exist without me... because we are all connected in some way.

I think this is comforting, because we are never alone and the connection that one can feel with Mother Nature is almost empowering. Maybe we will never walk on Mars {maybe we will} but we are made up of the same atoms and electrons and protons and everything that Mars is made of. In essence, we are not individuals because we all need eachother to exist. My favorite Ben Kweller quote is this: A broken branch I'd be, if you weren't grown to me. Without you, I am not apart of the tree of life but rather a lonely branch {enter Lion King music as appropriate, ha ha}

Namaste is a word that I think of often. It means I Bow to You. I love this idea, because it means that we are able to notice the beauty and compassion that every single person is capable of. This is an idea that I hope to pass on to my children, and I hope they will one day be so full of love for others that they won't be able to help but to give everything they can to relieve a persons suffering. I'm not saying that my children will have to become Buddhists like me, or Christian's like my family, or anything at all. I only want for them to have the capability of loving without condition. Love is what's important, not the label a person puts on their belief system.

Please continue to think compassionatley about my god-brother and his family. I go in for testing tomorrow and I hope that I am able to help him in some way. If I can't donate my kidney, I have hope that some one will come forward who can. He deserves a chance.

Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures.

{Henry Ward Beecher}

{update}

{mmmmmmmmmm!}

So I thought it was time to give an update on my diet, since the beginning of this month

I've decided to try going Macrobiotic. It's definintly not easy... but I already feel like I am healthier!

I decided that I will take a few things that I've learned from Macrobiotics and return to a Vegan diet. I will continue to eat whole grains and lots of raw veggies, and I am totally cutting processed foods out of my diet - very important! I'm also going to continue buying all organic foods and sugar-free juices.

I went to the grocery store yesterday and realized that my local grocery isn't very accommodating to Vegans. Whole Foods is 30 minutes away from our loft, so I wanted to see what I could buy in town. After a lot of searching  I found some really good items -- one of them being... VEGAN ICE CREAM!!!!!!!

I love ice cream, so this will make the transition much easier. Also... I was able to find chips that were vegan and stocked up on bananas and lots of yummy natural juices.

I am excited to dive into this new lifestyle because.....

1. It's good for the environment

2. Extremely healthy (Weight loss, lower cholesterol and blood pressure)

3. Our current food industry is exploitive and cruel (see Food, Inc. it will change your life!)

4. Buddhism promotes Veganism, because we are all connected and therefore all lives are equal

5. It's a way to be creative with food & try new things!

More Reason's to Drop Meat!

{please send positive energy, vibes & thoughts our way...}

I also wanted to update all of you on some news that I recieved yesterday.

The first thing I thought was "Wow, what a coincidence - my blog yesterday was about giving!"

My godbrother is very sick and needs a kidney transplant. We have known about this for a while, and this will be his second. I was tested in June to donate and the results were good, but not optimal.

So yesterday I was sitting at my desk and got a phone call. I answered and it was MCV - Mitchell needs a kidney transplant and they want me to go in for re-testing. I am scheduled to go in for blood work next Wednesday and {fingers crossed} hopefully I will be a match.

He is such a strong and brave spirit and I want to do anything possible to make sure that he is able

to enjoy life to the fullest.

I took a deep breath and sat down with my boss to give her the news. To my surprise, she was extremely supportive and assured me that it's possible for me to do the surgery and still get paid while I'm recovering.

Recovery can be anywhere from 2-4 months, and I am hoping that I will still be able to work 1/2 days in the office and then 1/2 days at home doing the paper work.

This, of course, may put things on hold as far as my career change... but I think it's worth it and if everything falls into place I am confident that this is somthing I should do.

Please take some time next Wednesday to think positivley about Mitchell, his family, my family and myself.

We need all the good vibes we can get right now!

{thanks in advance!}