somebodies baby.

So I was driving to meet a client yesterday, and stopped at the same light I stop at every day looking at the same man I see everyday, holding his sign "Hungry, anything will help". I typically don't carry around cash, but when I do I always try to give them something. Even when people mock me and say they're just going to spend it on beer.

Well, I actually made eye contact with this man and felt my heart breaking. I sat there imagining his childhood and his home life. How he is somebodies baby. Their Child. I couldn't stop thinking about this man and why he was on the streets. I woke up this morning and he is still on my mind.

The path I take to get to my favorite spot on the river passes a circle of trees under an overpass. Amongst these trees is a soaken matress surrounded by fourties and wet clothes. Someone's bed. I haven't ever seen the dweller of this secret hide-away, but I always check to make sure that he's still there.

When I was a little girl, my family used to take me to participate in a program called CARITAS where homeless families stayed at our church for a week. I may have abandoned all beliefs from this particular church, but this program was one thing they did right. Some of my best childhood memories are sitting next to people on their dirty sleeping bags, listening to their stories and asking questions about how it felt to sleep outisde in the winter. I remember wanting to bring all of them home with me.

My point is this: Next time you see someone holding a battered sign and wearing worn and dirty clothes, look past the assumptions our culture seems to make about this population and remember they are somebodies baby.

Even if they do spend the money on beer - they are still human and searching for acceptance, understanding and love.

{photo credit}

Sleepy Head Thoughts

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

{Plato}

I think that I want to buy a house. With a big backyard and a porch and a hammock hung up in an old oak tree. Still in the city, but room for a big garden. Rocking chairs to sit in and drink sweet tea and gossip and listen to thunderstorms.

Or do I want a loft. Trendy and comfortable. No walls to even out the space between us. Big windows to look upon the city and daydream until dusk.

...still house/loft hunting...

Am I really old enough to be thinking about this? To consider a baby's room when choosing our perfect little nest. Our own place to clean and hang our memories up on the wall. To paint each room in vibrant colors. Extra room for our loved ones to cuddle up in when visiting. This is what I've always dreamed about... ever since I was little and playing house with friends down the street.

{photo credit}

home again.

I feel like it's been ages since I've blogged. Not too happy about that. But it feels good to be back. I have been so busy lately that it's nice to be at a point where I can stop & just relax. I turned in my portfolio on Friday and my fingers are crossed that I at least get some feedback - good or back. I've also decided to submit 1 or 2 articles per week to local newspapers and online magazines... once something is published my portfolio will rock!

Mother's Day. I did not get to see my beautiful momma yesterday, but I did get to talk to her on the phone. Today she is on her way to DC for some classes that she is taking. She loves school. This was the very first Mother's Day that I have not been able to kiss her pretty little face... and that was very sad. It made me feel a little too grown up and distant from the woman who has done so much for me throughout my life.

When I was younger, my mom & I would sit in the mud and make mud pies. I remember thinking how cool that was - that she was willing to get in the dirt with me and play. I was a sneaky little girl, and she always had to check my pockets before I came inside... they were usually hiding frogs, worms or insects of some sort. But I do remember swimming in our pool in the summertime, and she would be working in the yard and would surprise me with a big toad she had found. She used to put them right into the pool so that I could watch them swim. She always fostered my love for animals and facination with living things.

She has always been the one I cry out for when I'm scared or in pain. I used to have these nightmares that were so scary and felt so real that they took my voice. I was literally too scared to speak. Have you ever had a dream like that? I used to run into her room and jump inbetween her and my dad and she made me feel so safe. I felt like nothing could get me, because my momma was there to keep me safe.

When I was in the hospital last month, I got really sick because I was taking a lot of pain medicine and wasn't able to eat solid food. After a while I got tired of jello and stopped eating altogether. Every morning I woke up and waited for her to come. I knew she would be there early, and would not leave me by myself for long. One day I got really sick, that was probably the worst day for me. This may be too much information... but basically the pain medicine was making me nauseous because I was taking it on an empty stomach and I threw up. Everywhere. My husband & dad instantly ran for cover, but my mom was right there with me... covered in it. I remember thinking "this is love." I mean, to sit there and comfort me even when it was causing her discomfort... that's incredible. She spent the night with me that night because I was afraid to be alone, and never once complained about being tired, uncomfortable or bored. I will never forget that as long as I live.

So these were the thoughts I was remembering yesterday as I woke up and streched my arms to the sunlight, pulling my body up and out of bed. The first Mother's Day without her. I wondered what she was doing and hoped she was happy and felt as blessed as I do.

Sean & I took a walk to the river and sat down near the bank watching turtles and families of ducklings. People passed by through the rapids on their kyaks and canoe's and it felt nice to feel the sun shining on my back. We didn't stay long, but I love sharing that time with my husband. I love being in nature and so close to the water, and I love that every once in a while he will join me. Even if it's hot and he's still tired from the night before.
 

We came home and made margaritas and ate cheese and crackers. It was fabulous. Our puppies napped beside us as we watched a movie and it was such a great feeling to be with my family. My new family, that was still blooming and growing by the minute.

I thought Samson had ruined my garden last week. He loves to dig his nose in the dirt and no matter how hard I try I can't keep him out of it. However, I looked in my planter this weekend and saw little peppers sprouting up from the ground. Ahh.. such a proud, proud moment.

 

We gathered our things and piled up in the car and headed to my inlaws for lunch. We grilled out and spent time talking and laughing and enjoying every second we had together. We all sat around the living room sharing stories and laughing some more, and by the time we looked at a clock it was already time for dinner. I love when that happends, when you're having so much fun that time passes without even feeling it. So we grilled out again. We love to grill and Sean is an awesome cook!
 

This weekend was so relaxing and although it passed too quickly, was a great reminder of how important my family is to me. I love my mother and can't wait to see her once she returns from DC. I will give her a big hug and tell her how proud I am of her, for following her dream accomplishing her goals. She will do great.

 

How was your weekend?

home.

Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence. {Hal Borland}

It has been a long two weeks. We have only been in our loft for about 2 days before leaving again, and once we returned on Saturday I felt as though I never wanted to leave it again. It feels good to return to you own bed, lay on your own couch, and snuggle for hours with two dogs I have missed terribly. I also feel a little out of touch with my friends, and am ready for us to re-connect. Quickly.

This week I will start preparing for Mitchell & my transplant surgery that will happen the first week in April. I am working long hours to stay caught up, and making a special effort to see each of my clients before I leave. I keep trying to feel the way that others have been telling me I should feel... waiting for the fear to come or the reality that I am giving up one of my organs for another to have life. I don't feel like a hero or that I am doing anything special, and it's hard to explain this to friends and family when they ask. I know that there is good in each of us, and if anyone was in my position - the only living donor available - I think it would be hard for them to keep themselves from giving anything that they could.

I have actually been anticipating the surgery and almost wanting to hurry the process. I continue to strive to be patient and allow myself to fully prepare for this operation, not to rush it. I am thankful that the days have become longer, allowing me more time outside reflecting on this journey. I feel like this experience has brought me so close to myself and humanity. I am so  grateful that I am able to help -- that next month a teenager will have the opportunity to quit dyalisis and live life once again, without pain.

I continue to learn a lot from nature. Every morning I sit outside and feel surrounded by the calmness that only a cool breeze and the moonlight can bring. We are given so much from Mother Earth, that I am eager to give somthing back. I am also in awe of the steady awareness of life and what is really important that has been shown to me throughout all of the tests and meetings. I continue to appreciate the perspective that this opportunity has brought me.

I know that after I leave the hospital, I will return home. I will feel the comfort of being in a familiar place surrounded by people who love me and who are so important to who I have become. Mitchell will also return home, carrying with him a healthy kidney and hopefully a sense of peace. I am so ready for this connection and the serenity it is sure to bring.