things i am learning

I have been a little quiet in this space, mostly because I was on vacation last week and I have been spending more time with important people in my life and less time on the computer. Sometimes it's important to disconnect for a while.

I am an over-thinker. I judge myself so harshly that sometimes it's necessary to take a step back, breathe, and remember to love who I am and what my life has become. Next month I will be 26 years old, and if you were to tell me when I was younger what I would be doing at this moment... I'm not sure I would be happy about it. Then again, what I knew then and what I know now about the world and how it works cannot be compared.

I have always had a plan for my life, and for so long I tried to force that plan to the point where my happiness and well being took a back seat. At this time in my life, I figured that I would be married and that I would have children and I never for a second thought that the real world could be so harsh and money could be such a burden. I never thought that I could fall so hard and that my heavy body would be such a struggle to pick back up. I could never have imagined all that I would learn and all that I continue to learn.

But when I think about what I have accomplished and how I am being molded and formed into a person who does not fit into the old plan that I had for myself, I am slowly learning to appreciate the Universe and where I fit in and where my soul is taking me. I am slowly learning that it's okay to fall down, because as hard as it's been to pull myself back up - it's possible and it's worth it. I have learned that life is a lesson, and the hardest tests often result in the greatest rewards.

The lessons that I have been taught have transformed my way of thinking. I have been hurt, been set aside, been left. But I have also hurt others, pushed them aside, left them. The reality that I have had any part in making some one feel less about themselves has made me realize that we are all just human and we all make mistakes. We hurt each other and speak harshly and sometimes we let hate and fear take over for a while. But these moments are important, because they remind me that we are all connected and we all have the ability to love and to hate - and life is so much happier when you choose to love.

The Universe does not owe me anything more than I have already been given. Life is not fair. Rather than focusing on how broken I have felt at times, I am trying to keep my mind set on the lessons that these struggles have taught me and trying to remember those ugly feelings before I try to push them on others. I have learned so much about standing on my own two feet and even more about leaning on community when necessary.

I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. And more importantly, I like the person that I have become and I am thankful that I do not fit into the box that I placed myself into before. I appreciate everything in my life, good and bad, because my experiences have led me to this very moment - and in this moment, I am happy.

deciding to be happy.

Some one once told me a story about a little girl who grew up on a farm with her family. She was in the barn one day, and happened to be near the chickens at just the right time - one of the eggs was moving and a baby chick was about to be born! The little girl watched the little chick struggle and peck and huff with exhaustion as it worked its way out of the egg. Impatient, and mostly wanting to help, the little girl tore open the egg shell, doing what she thought would ultimately save the little chick from unnecessary struggle. What she did not realize, was that these baby chicks need this struggle, this ultimate fight, to gain the strength that they need to survive. In the end, the chick did not survive. The point is that struggle is a necessity of life, and sometimes taking the ''easy was out'' only causes disaster. But, if we are patient and we work and work to break free from our shells, we come out much stronger. The fight is almost always worth it.

I will admit that I am only human, and while I try to show those around me that I somehow ''have it all together,'' the reality is that I don't and I've been going through a hard battle on my own since November. Divorce is ugly, it's hard, it's frustrating, it's embarrassing, it's lonely. It breaks you down bit by bit, and at first everything seems so much easier... but in my experience, once the novelty wears off, it can be one of the most difficult things a person goes through. Sometimes I wish I could curl up in a cocoon for several months, and then magically wake up and all of these tough emotions would be worked out on their own. But life doesn't have a fast forward button, or even a pause button. I have already learned so much about myself and those around me from this experience, and I have a feeling that the lessons will never cease to show themselves.

The other day I left a pretty passive-aggressive status on my facebook. I don't usually do that - I don't see facebook as a place to broadcast your personal life, but it was a weak moment and I wanted my voice to be heard. Chances are, if you read that status and you are trying your best to be friends with both me and my ex, that was directed towards you. Lately I've found myself so angry, because I feel like these friends, these people who have only known me and my ex as a couple, are in the midst of their own struggle of trying to keep both of us in their lives while not hurting anyone's feelings. Being human, I was tired of being sympathetic of this struggle that these people are going through, because I was so hurt and felt so left out and have felt so alone lately. When Sean first moved out, I had an overwhelming support system and any time I needed some one or something... they were just there. But, months and months have passed and at some point people have to get back to their normal lives.

I've felt betrayed lately. Financially, this divorce has crippled me and as my debt piles up higher and higher, I find myself unable to go out or participate in things that cost money because honestly - I don't have it. When I see people posting on twitter or facebook, people who I consider some of my best friends, talking to Sean about hanging out or planning summer trips... it causes me to pull back and push everyone away. I try really, really hard to see their perspective - Sean and I were together since we were 14 and all of our friends are mutual... but sometimes it's so overwhelming and I feel so betrayed and hurt that I let my feelings get the best of me. I get tired of trying to see others perspectives, because frankly I'm going through the hardest battle I have ever experienced and for once I'd like some one to see my perspective. I miss the support I had at the beginning, but the reality of the matter is that I cannot rely on other people to always keep me as a number one priority - I may still be a priority, but they may be going through battles of their own that I don't even know about.

I'll be honest, I've had an extremely hard month. I'm planning to move out of Richmond towards the end of July, and I feel myself getting so anxious to leave that I sit and try to think of ways to get out of my lease sooner so that I can just get away from this environment that is causing me so much pain. I want to escape and never look back.

But then I remember the story about the girl who opened the egg too quickly and the little chick died. I still have things to learn in Richmond, and I need to stick to my timeline - a timeline I made when I was thinking more clearly and rationally and wasn't totally lost in my emotions. These lessons will be worth it in the end. Until then, I need to choose to be happy.

But that doesn't mean that I can't get away for a few hours. I don't have to allow my burdens to overcome me. Nature has always been a place for my deepest scars to heal, and I woke up Sunday morning with the aching desire to see the ocean. So that's what we did.

 

We packed up a beach bag, gathered our three pups, got in the car, and drove to Virginia Beach. It was so nice to touch my toes in the sand and to watch the dogs run and play in the ocean. But the best part was huddling together in our sweat shirts and blankets and napping in the sun with the sound of the waves in the background. Laughter came easy, and for a few hours I didn't think about all of the thousands of things that have been stressing me out to the point of exhaustion lately.

I read my horoscope today, and this is what it said:

"If you went over a large waterfall in a wayward raft, you would not have much control over where the water took you. However, you could hold on as tightly as possible, you could try to avoid the rocks and branches as they came flying at you, and you could recognize when it was appropriate to hold your breath as water came flying at your face. All of these things are important. You may now be facing a small crisis of some kind. Although you probably feel that you don't have any control, you do have an important measure of control. Stay alert, and you will do very well.''

I know that my best bet in overcoming the insecurities that are bound to come from a divorce is the decision to choose to be happy. When rocks and branches come flying at me, I can do my best to duck or take a step back. And when I feel totally overwhelmed, I can take a few moments to hold my breath knowing that this will all pass.

It's all much easier, I have found, when I decide to be happy no matter what. When I don't take things so personally, or allow other peoples actions to ruin my day. There are so many things to be greatful for in this beautiful journey of life - and the lessons that I am learning are sure to bring strength and knowledge that will undoubtedly give me the ability to overcome other obsticles that are placed in my path. Because let's be honest, life is all about learning and after this lesson has passed it will be time for a new one.

Your overall outlook means everything, and my choice is to choose happiness.

Thoughts.

I've been thinking so much lately. About the possibilities ahead of me, about the fact that every time I blink I feel as though my life looks completely different, about the reality that I need a change of scenery in a big way. Mostly that it's ok that my life feels like a huge mess right now, because I have never felt so free.

I had a dream the other night that the world was ending. People around me were crying, fighting for survival, and suffering. The only thing I said was "I have wasted so much time." Now is the time to take risks, explore & value each moment. That may come with mistakes along the way, but every moment wasted is one we can never get back.

So it's official, I need to leave Virginia for the first time in my entire life. In August. I'm narrowing it down to several places: Washington State, Arizona, Colorado, Oregon. The best part, is that these thoughts could change at any moment and I could wind up somewhere completely different by this time next year.

I am learning to embrace the unknowing, and enjoy the ups and downs of living my life completely.

To the degree that we are lost, it is on the same Ocean, in the same night.

{found via weheartit}

Just in case you were wondering, I have been doing an incredible amount of work on myself this year. So far, seven months into 2011, it has already been one heck of a whirlwind of emotional let downs and dissapointments. But as my dad always says, you are resonsible for how you feel each day.

And, for now anyway, I decide to be happy.

When things get really hard, I remind myself that we are each the Universe - not only a small part, but in reality we are the Universe entirely. We are all composed of 99% the same elements, therefore we are all so connected to one another that the line between where you end and I begin remains blurred and faint. It feels better knowing that we are all together, rather than totally separate entities wandering around aimlessly hurting one another for no apparent reason. When you hurt others, you also hurt yourself. When you are kind to others, you are also being kind to yourself.

And because we are only separated by that 1%, we can only distance ourself but so far from one another. But doesn't that 1% feel like an eternity, sometimes?

This is a quote that brings this idea together for me -

I no longer expect things to make sense. I know there is no safety. But that does not mean there is no magic. It does not mean there is no hope. It simply means that each of us has reason to be wishful and frightened, aspiring and flawed. And it means that to the degree we are lost, is it on the same Ocean, in the same night.

Elizabeth Kayle

There are some things that have happened this year that have left a black cloud of thick negative energy around me. So, I am trying to feed the positive back into my life one day at a time. And you know what? It's working.

Just when I thought the spark and excitement had totally left my marriage, I fed it positive energy and as a result I feel like we are finally back on track.

Just when I thought negativity was taking over my self image completely, I fed it positive energy by joining a gym and being more social and I feel like I am worthy again.

Just when I thought that my life was so boring that it would be impossible to be happy, I fed it positive energy and now I am doing more and seeing more than I have in a very long time.

Just when I thought I was insignificant and the work I did professionally didn't matter, I fed it positive energy and not only did I get a raise, but my clients seem to be responding better than ever to treatment.

Just when I thought I would be miserable because we didn't get the house we wanted, I fed it positive energy and am having more fun than ever re-decorating our loft with Sean.

Just when I thought my heart was broken from people leaving my life, I fed it positive energy and others have come into my life who are fulfilling and healthy.

Just when I thought we were too poor to ever have a decent vacation, I fed it positive energy and Sean and I are now planning a trip to London sometime next year.

It takes a lot of work to feed positive energy into a negative situation, but it's worth it.

Living In The Moment

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There is something that you must understand about people - they will let you down. And the more you love a person, chances are that they will really hurt you when they do. This is just the way life goes, and the sooner you understand this... the easier the ride will be. Plain + Simple.

Before you start getting all ''Stop being so pessimistic, Kara'' just hear me out. Nobody is perfect. I am not perfect and you are not perfect and the guy you work with isn't perfect either. Neither is your kindergarten teacher who you loved so much and look back on with nostalgia from time to time. We make mistakes, and if we're lucky we grow from them. And realizing that sometimes people you love let you down can only help you learn from each and every painful experience you encounter. It's only been 24 years on Earth for me personally, but I've had my heart broken and stomped on too many times to count. Sometimes, admittedly, I've done the stomping.

Sometimes, life throws a curve ball and it knocks you unconscious for a few minutes before you get a chance to shake it off and try all over again. The important thing is that before you shake it off, you really feel that pain and accept it before trying again. You should always strive to feel every moment of life, and know that accepting these not-so-fun emotions is not the same actual thing as being okay with it. You have to be able to admit that you aren't in control, and that sometimes you get on a roller coaster and you can't just throw your hands up and yell "STOP!!!"... you have to actually ride it out and then decide if it was worth an extra go-round or not. Sometimes it is, other times it isn't.

But when you are in this moment of disbelief and overall hurt, breathe it in and then breathe it out. When you do this, you are more capable of learning from it. You have time to think about why this person let you down, what they were thinking, what was going on in their life, if their past is influencing them at this moment, if yours is. You can say: This hurts. But I know that they love me and I see where they were coming from, and I trust that they weren't intentionally inflicting this pain on me because our past history reminds me that they care about me just as much as I care about them.

You can also say: I keep getting hurt by this person, and I want off the roller-coaster.

In both instances, you have looked at the situation from all sides and felt the emotion and made a decision. This is living in the moment. Every moment. Not only happy moments, and not only sad moments, but every moment without skipping over some. Because there is something that you can learn from each and every moment of life, and learning only makes you grow as a person and aware of things that you hadn't considered before.

And while you're living in this moment, that sometimes isn't so fun, it's important to remember that there are other things in your life that are not letting you down. There are other friends, husbands/boyfriends, opportunities, chances worth taking, adventures to begin. So rather than dwelling on something sad, feel the moment and learn from it and then move on. You can choose to take the thing that hurt you along with you for another ride (sometimes the ride isn't so bad once you've experienced it, and it becomes your most favorite thing), or other times you can get off of the scary roller coaster (that continues to be scary, no matter how many times you try again) and find something a little more pleasant, like the merry-go-round instead.

The Universe has a lot to offer in each and every moment, and it is our job on Earth to learn from her lessons and better ourselves and those around us. Living in the moment is easy, when you recognize the opportunity that is being offered and the chances that are worth taking.