i love you.

Sometimes I watch you at night while you are sleeping. I think about all that you have been through and all that you are still going through. I think about the way your smile curls when you're making a joke or thinking of something clever. The way your hand seems to find mine while we are sleeping. The way you've invited me into your world, and how we are learning so much about life together.

I wasn't looking for you, and to be honest I wouldn't have picked you out specifically. I've always been one to keep others at a distance and you make that especially hard. Sometimes that's uncomfortable, but other times it's refreshing. You have changed my whole mentality in a way that is equally frightening as it is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. For once, I am a part of a team - I no longer want to do it all on my own because sharing everything with you is so much more fulfilling. There isn't anything we can't accomplish together.

The thing that I love most about you is how you challenge me. You make me a better person because you expect a lot out of me, you really do. You push me to share my deepest secrets and to talk about feelings that I've kept bottled inside of me for almost forever. When I'm with you, I think about things differently and from all angles. We are so opposite, but it works. You balance me and make me complete. You fill the hole that has been left from all that my past has taken from me. You fill it up to the tippy-top and sometimes I'm so fulfilled that I can hardly breathe.

I have never felt as beautiful as I do now. You see things in me that I've attempted to hide from the world, and you pull them out of me and water them and feed them until they grow into something so wild and so free that they can no longer keep quiet. Sometimes when I'm sleeping, I can hear you whispering how much you love me. Those are my favorite moments, because in those moments there is so much love between us that it's electric. It's in those moments that I feel apart of something bigger; that I don't feel so alone.

It's not all easy, either. When we fight, I can literally feel my heart ripping open. But with each and every tear, my soul is making room for growth. It's in these moments that I continue to learn and to become the person who I am always striving to be. I am so proud of these moments, because we fight fair and we argue out of an undeniable connection to one another. These are the moments where my love for you is over-powering to the point where I realize how much there is to lose, and I remind myself to appreciate each and every second that we have together.

So for all of this, no matter what happens, I thank you. Thank you for giving me hope in the Universe. For teaching me to trust and to let others help me when I need it. For always being there when I need you the most. And simply for being who you are.

Because you are everything I've ever dreamed of, all wrapped into one human being. And until recently, I didn't think a love like ours was possible.

dreams: part II

I will tell you this: When I was a little girl, I would run to the edge of the forest, kick off my shoes as fast as I possibly could, and run deep deep deep into the trees until I could no longer see my house or hear another human being. In that space, I would imagine that I was the only person alive and I would slip off my dress and lay in the creek and pretend that life was always this easy. That life wasn't so complicated, and that I never had to leave that space unless I wanted to.

I always came back to civilization, though. But those hours that I spent in the forest gave me just enough hope in love and in humanity and in life that I was able to come back with my head held high. I knew that I did not fit into society, and that pleased me more than anything. Nature was my true home.

I would daydream about what you would be like. How the sun would place a perfect halo around the crown of your head, and how the wind would dance in your hair. You would sit next to me and with our toes in the cool water, you would hold my hand and I would place my head on your shoulder and we would sit in silence and be perfectly content with that.

The trees and animals would be our only witnesses, and you would pluck flowers from the ground and put them in my hair and make me feel like a princess. You would be my king; the king of the forest.

We would string lights from the trees and I would wear a white lace dress and barefoot we would walk along a path and before The Universe you would kiss me and I would be your bride and we would be happy there, in that space, forever.

Our song would be the birds chirping and the bees humming and the distant wolves howling with excitement. In the moonlight, we would lay underneath the stars and our bodies would keep us so warm that we would feel almost electric. The sparks between us would light up the night and create a display so beautiful that had anyone else been around, they would not be able to take their eyes off of it.

But this is the part of the story where I would always wake up, and I would reach for you beside me and the ground would be cold and empty. I would feel like a hollowed tomb and would pull my heavy body from that space and make the trek back home, back into society. Alone.

As broken as those daydreams would leave me though, they also excited me. Because my soul could never feel so lost or burdened unless you were really out there somewhere. So every day I would look for you, and I would ask The Universe to bring us together.

I'm still waiting, and I have not given up hope.

[part I]

dreams.

credit

I do not have all of the answers, but I am an old soul and in a past life we lived together in a cottage on top of a mountain. You put every wood panel in place and cut out each window and your salty sweat and hard-worked hands created a magical place. I still remember it; still ache for it and our life together there, in that time and space.

We spent our days walking barefoot through the forest, collecting berries and mushrooms and herbs and flowers. The trees knew us by name, and the moist ground reminded us daily that we came out of the soil and would once again return to it. But not yet. We had too much living to do.

At night, we would sip deep, scarlet wine straight from the bottle until our teeth and lips were stained. You would pull me close to you, and kiss me hard and passionately and sometimes I can still feel my heart racing from those moments. I can still taste the wine on your lips. I can still feel my body melting into you. I still hear the laughter and the quiet ways we would talk without speaking.

We would lay in bed, intertwined and it would be impossible to tell where one body ended and the other began. I still remember the way you would gently touch my hair and kiss my breasts and sometimes, the rain patting on our tin roof made me sure that The Universe was applauding those tender moments.

In that same bed, we would eventually birth our children; little humans created by a holy mixture of our souls and your wild hair and my dark freckles and natures overpowering energy and life force. The forest would be their playground, and we would smile as we heard them in the distant brush beating their chests and howling like cyotes.

They would return to us in the evening, from their secret world of nymphs and faeries and we would pull the sticks and leaves from their hair and kiss their rosy cheeks and wash the soil from their toes and fingernails in a warm bath smelling of lavendar oil. We would wrap them up in cotton pajamas, and the moon would watch over them through their open windows; the owls humming them to sleep.

A day never passed that I didn't look into your eyes and see my very soul reflecting back at me. You were my true soul mate. We both came from the Earth and I was born in you and you were born in me. In that cottage, our love was so intoxicating that at night I lay in bed drunk from spending each dreamy moment with you.

Years would pass; our bodies would age. And we would talk about death and I would always whisper that I wanted to go first; that living in a world without you would be unbearable. But you were wise, and reminded me that a soul never dies. It leaves the body and returns to the wind and rain and leaves and birds and deer and sunshine and each tiny blade of grass from where it initially came.

We were happy. I still remember it; still ache for it and our life together there, in that time and space.

Thoughts.

I've been thinking so much lately. About the possibilities ahead of me, about the fact that every time I blink I feel as though my life looks completely different, about the reality that I need a change of scenery in a big way. Mostly that it's ok that my life feels like a huge mess right now, because I have never felt so free.

I had a dream the other night that the world was ending. People around me were crying, fighting for survival, and suffering. The only thing I said was "I have wasted so much time." Now is the time to take risks, explore & value each moment. That may come with mistakes along the way, but every moment wasted is one we can never get back.

So it's official, I need to leave Virginia for the first time in my entire life. In August. I'm narrowing it down to several places: Washington State, Arizona, Colorado, Oregon. The best part, is that these thoughts could change at any moment and I could wind up somewhere completely different by this time next year.

I am learning to embrace the unknowing, and enjoy the ups and downs of living my life completely.

Dreaming of Snakes.

I always have extremely vivid dreams. And last night was no different, as I woke up in a panic at 5 am. For some reason, I haven't been able to shake this one... so I looked up a few interpretations online this morning, and what I found out was eerily relevant.

First the dream. I was at some kind of ranch with a group of my friends, and I decided that I wanted to go up to my bedroom which was located in a tree fort type loft which was located in the backyard. As I was climbing the steps, I looked to my left and saw a gigantic yellow snake -- like, 50 feet gigantic -- looking straight at me. It came over quickly, and due to fear I passed out in the stairwell. When I ''woke up'' I realized that the snake was on top of me, licking me in my ear. I didn't move, and my friends were all gathered around watching in fear. The weird thing, is that I sensed that the snake didn't want to harm me, and in the dream I wasn't afraid... although in reality snakes are one of my biggest fears. So what's up with this dream?

I was doing a little ''research'' (if you know me, you know google is my life) and found this article along with several others. Supposedly, because of the snakes ability to shed it's skin and also the ability to kill, they can stand for an individuals journey through transformation found by death and rebirth/healing of some kind. I don't know how much I buy into dream interpretations, but I am absolutely in a period of transformation - maybe the snake was my subconscious telling me that some healing will be taking place... one can hope.

I also found that the color yellow, associated with a negative or unpleasant feeling, can stand for one's fear or inability to make a decision or take action. When associated with a positive feeling, it can symbolize happiness, harmony and wisdom. In my dream, I was first paralyzed with fear (negative) and then later re-gained conciousness and felt comforted (positive). Could this mean that although I am having trouble with a very important decision currently, I will later find healing and eventually find peace?

From what  I read about snakes and the color yellow, I can only imagine that the snake licking me in my ear while my friends watched in fear has something to do with the fact that while those around me would like to offer me advice, only I can ultimately make the right decision. And that by trusting myself, things will be ok.

I realize that I'm being completely vaigue about  what's going on with me personally right now, but know that this symbolizim captures every emotion that I have been feeling perfectly. Maybe some peace and clarity are around the corner? Or maybe I still have a lot of introspective work to do, and my subconcious is telling me to hang in there? Only time will tell.

So what about you -- do you believe that dreams can be interpreted? Or do you think that dreams are just random thoughts pieced together to form an interesting story? I personally think that if you are dreaming and learn a lesson in the process, that's all that matters. Dreams are, afterall, so very personal. I'd love to hear about anything you've learned while dreaming!

Dreams.

Lately, I've been having some really strange dreams - even for me. I told Sean that I think it's because I am actually sleeping through the night now that we got Netflix. FYI, Sean likes to stay up watching t.v. until ridiculous hours in the wee morning and when he falls asleep the television is usually blasting (if you've spent the night with us, you know....). Anyway, we had to get rid of Blockbuster because they're going out of business and long story short, when movies are over on Netflix they cut off (as opposed to with Blockbuster, where they start playing previews or other loud things). You probably don't really care, but I think it's glorious!!!!!

Anyway, last night I had a really weird dream and I can't help but think my subconcious was trying to tell me something. I was sitting in a strange place with a group of my closest friends, plus a few imaginary ones. I say strange, because I was sitting at a picnic table outside somewhere and it was one of those places thats half real and half fantasy, do you ever have those in your dreams? Anyway. This girl (who is a real person in my life) showed up and was trying to turn all of my friends against me. Finally, I stood up for myself and said something like ''these are my friends, we're having a good time, and if you aren't going to be nice to everyone then you need to leave.''

One thing you should probably know, is I have a habit of getting really down on myself and going through periods where I'm super critical of my body. I also go through periods where I wonder if I would be friends with myself if I had the chance. WELL, the mean girl in my dream responded by asking me why any of my friends even like me or hang out with me in the first place, and without hesitation I said "Because I'm really fun to be around, and you may be prettier or skinnier than I am but you're not a nice person''.

I think I was trying to tell myself that looks aren't everything, and that I do have qualities that draw my friends to me. The dream got weird, because one of my friends started going into labor and then we were all attending Satan's funeral... yeah.... funny how that took a turn for the super creepy!

So, I woke up this morning in a really great mood (because I love remembering a good dream) and to top it off, it's freakin' beautiful outside. The best part of this story, is that today while I was putting gas in my car this random creepster told me that he thought I was ''really pretty''. When you're married, you take evey compliment from the opposite sex as an ego boost, kind of like 'I've still got it!' ... at least I do anyway.

The universe has a way of reminding us things, such as the reality that each person is beautiful in their own way, and if you're spending all of your time focusing on the negatives you really start to miss the positives. And I thought that maybeeeee there was some one out there who needed to hear this as much as I did... so there you have it -- you are beautiful, and not in the 'everyone's beautiful on the inside' type of way... you are REALLY beautiful! I'm sure that there's some one out there who thinks about your beauty every single morning when they wake up and just before they go to bed. So hug yourself, and be nice to yourself! And I'll try to do the same :)

strange dreams.

Last night I stayed up a little too late, and thus this morning is quite the struggle. I am famous for having some of the most detailed, strangest dreams ever... and last night was no different. I usually remember about 3 dreams per night, and they are always pretty out there. Maybe it was the midnight Taco Bell. Or maybe my incredible imagination! Either way, I dreamed that the Queen of England wanted to marry me and our relationship would be a public statement promoting same sex marriages. Nevermind that I am already married, and was married to Sean in my dream. I told him not to worry about it, as our student loans would be paid off and we would be rich, rich, rich!



[apparently i have a celebrity crush..]

What's the strangest dream you've ever had?

Friday Morning.

{some of the beautiful gifts i've recieved this week...}

"A cheerful friend is like a sunny day spreading brightness all around."

{ John Lubcock}

I have so much that I have wanted to say to all of you... and I'm still not sure how my emotions will be able to fit in this tiny space. This time last week I was in an incredible ammount of pain, crossing my fingers that I would be home soon - lucky for me Saturday afternoon I was discharged from the hospital. Mitchell was discharged last Saturday as well, but since then he has traveled back and forth and is currently struggling to keep his blood pressure under control. His kidney is doing well, but if they do not get his medications corrected it could lead to further damage. Please continue to send supportive and loving vibes -- he still needs us rooting for him.

This week has been such a blessing otherwise. My mother came to visit and it was nice having her all to myself. We shopped, went out to eat, watched movies... all in all I had an amazng time with her. Also, she was there when I needed dread maintainence and and even volunteered to clean my floors. Mom's are so great in that way. Those tiny yet ultimate examples of love that they sprinkle over their children, who still desperately need them no matter what their age.

It has been nice sleeping in my own bed. I think I dream better there, rather than a hospital bed where nurses come checking vital signs and drawing blood every hour. I have also realized just how special a goodnight kiss is from my husband as I drift off to sleep. He is so good to me. I think this experience has opened my eyes to how much I am loved, and how much I love and appreciate those around me.

I do believe that I have been changed. I worry about Mitchell as if he was my blood-born brother and feel connected to him in a way that I've never felt before. I appreciate little things, such as the ability to walk down the street - taking a special interest in birds singing. Especially robins. Being outside is an entirely new blessing, and when the breeze touches my cheek I feel as though Mother Earth is leaving behind a gentle kiss. I didn't realize it before, but this surgery put my life on the line and made me realize what is truly important. As I was being wheeled into the OR, the only things passing through my mind were my husband, my family, friends & my dogs. For the first time I wasn't concerned with how I looked or what I was wearing. For the first time I was leaping head first, eyes closed, trusting the steady hand of my surgeon and the transplant team.

Last night I had a dream that I was climbing a book shelf. I kept climbing higher and higher and noticed that someone was chasing me. As I began to climb even faster books began to fall from their shelves and I found it harder and harder to keep hold of the shelf. Then my hand rested on a tiny, pocket sized paper back. I made it to the top of the shelf and was greeted by a professor who asked me what the most important lesson I had learned while on Earth. I handed over the paperback  - a small book of quotes centering around the importance of peace. The professor mocked me and shook his head; this was not his idea of a passing answer. But I held firmly to that book and when I woke up, realized that the world can be changed one peaceful act at a time.

I gave a peice of myself to Mitchell, and as a result others passed along peices of themselves to me. My life is not over and I still have so much to learn, but I still think that my greatest victory once this life is over will be my fight for peace.

I hope you will join me and together we can change the world.

Dream Big.

Dreams are the touchstones of our character.

 {Henry David Thoreau}

I hope that today you will take a moment to dream. Reality is everywhere, and it's good for the soul to reach down deep and lose yourself in a positive image once in a while. Feel empowered that your mind is your own. Allow yourself to explore your imagination and to find peace of mind when things seem hectic and unfair. Without dreams, we would not be able to pick ourselves up and strive for something better. Without dreams, we would not have the courage to stand up for what or who we believe in. Start a revolution. Your dreams are only as big as you allow them to be.

{photo credit}