“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it"

The thing about change is that it takes a very long time. I thought that I had made so many positive changes throughout last year, and trust me I really did, but I am still learning and building and totally re-writing my story. I look at myself today, at this moment in my life, and there are still so many things that I have a desire to strive towards.

Being a people pleaser is difficult, and as I examine myself and who it is that I want to be and how it is that I want to be seen, I've realized that pleasing others is not going to get me on the path that I want. I have to do things for myself, and I can't worry about how that might effect other people. It sounds selfish, but really there is nothing selfish about only putting your heart into things that are true to you. There is nothing selfish about removing yourself from relationships that do not allow the true you to shine and be cherished. So that is what I have been doing lately.

The biggest problem in my life was social media, because in all honesty it was bringing up a whole cloud of negative emotions that I hadn't noticed before. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram became a place where I tried to brag about my relationships and make my life look picture perfect. It also became a place where I noticed that the majority of the people in my life were not real friendships, and with that realization became feelings of betrayal and anger that started fogging up my mind and forcing ugly words and gossip out of my mouth. So I deleted these sites from my phone, stopped checking them at work, and disabled my accounts. What I've found is that I have a whole new outlook on who should be given the label ''friend'' (not everyone is there for you when you think they should be) and more importantly, my life has a whole lot less drama in it and my feelings aren't hurt quite as often.

I like how I'm spending my time much more than I did when I was always checking social media sites. I'm volunteering, focusing more on the relationships that I do have, working out and finding new interests. Simply put: I'm living life rather than writing about it. I like it so much that next month I'm getting rid of my Iphone and trading it in for a more simpler version where I just call or text.

So while it may be extremely hard to change, the process is a journey and I feel like things are getting better (even if they challenge me) each day.

things i am learning

I have been a little quiet in this space, mostly because I was on vacation last week and I have been spending more time with important people in my life and less time on the computer. Sometimes it's important to disconnect for a while.

I am an over-thinker. I judge myself so harshly that sometimes it's necessary to take a step back, breathe, and remember to love who I am and what my life has become. Next month I will be 26 years old, and if you were to tell me when I was younger what I would be doing at this moment... I'm not sure I would be happy about it. Then again, what I knew then and what I know now about the world and how it works cannot be compared.

I have always had a plan for my life, and for so long I tried to force that plan to the point where my happiness and well being took a back seat. At this time in my life, I figured that I would be married and that I would have children and I never for a second thought that the real world could be so harsh and money could be such a burden. I never thought that I could fall so hard and that my heavy body would be such a struggle to pick back up. I could never have imagined all that I would learn and all that I continue to learn.

But when I think about what I have accomplished and how I am being molded and formed into a person who does not fit into the old plan that I had for myself, I am slowly learning to appreciate the Universe and where I fit in and where my soul is taking me. I am slowly learning that it's okay to fall down, because as hard as it's been to pull myself back up - it's possible and it's worth it. I have learned that life is a lesson, and the hardest tests often result in the greatest rewards.

The lessons that I have been taught have transformed my way of thinking. I have been hurt, been set aside, been left. But I have also hurt others, pushed them aside, left them. The reality that I have had any part in making some one feel less about themselves has made me realize that we are all just human and we all make mistakes. We hurt each other and speak harshly and sometimes we let hate and fear take over for a while. But these moments are important, because they remind me that we are all connected and we all have the ability to love and to hate - and life is so much happier when you choose to love.

The Universe does not owe me anything more than I have already been given. Life is not fair. Rather than focusing on how broken I have felt at times, I am trying to keep my mind set on the lessons that these struggles have taught me and trying to remember those ugly feelings before I try to push them on others. I have learned so much about standing on my own two feet and even more about leaning on community when necessary.

I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. And more importantly, I like the person that I have become and I am thankful that I do not fit into the box that I placed myself into before. I appreciate everything in my life, good and bad, because my experiences have led me to this very moment - and in this moment, I am happy.

falling in love with myself.

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There are some things you need to know about me. I am extremely passionate about life and I am a lover. When I fall in love, I fall hard and sometimes that means that I get hurt but in the end everything about life is a learning experience and I don't mind being a student of The Universe.

I tend to see the good in everyone and it's hard for me to fathom cruelty - so there are times when I need to take a step back from society and soak in a bubble bath or spend a weekend in the woods just to get away from the negativity. I try my hardest not to let evil take over my soul, and not to let it change my heart.

I am sensitive and have a tender heart. From books to movies to people on the street that I hardly know, I hurt when I see others hurt. I even hurt for those doing the hurting. I enjoy this connection that I have with those around me. I like to feel every emotion, even the painful ones. It's important to always remember that everything in The Universe is connected, and that we have more in common with one another than we may realize. Treat others the way you want to be treated, and you will never be alone.

I talk to trees. I dance with the wind. I soak in the sunshine and the river and the flowers and the clouds. I talk to plants and animals and I never, ever forget the gift of life and living in the moment.

But most importantly, I love myself. And the reality is that nobody can change that, no matter how much they try to hurt me or use me. And knowing that is the best part.

deciding to be happy.

Some one once told me a story about a little girl who grew up on a farm with her family. She was in the barn one day, and happened to be near the chickens at just the right time - one of the eggs was moving and a baby chick was about to be born! The little girl watched the little chick struggle and peck and huff with exhaustion as it worked its way out of the egg. Impatient, and mostly wanting to help, the little girl tore open the egg shell, doing what she thought would ultimately save the little chick from unnecessary struggle. What she did not realize, was that these baby chicks need this struggle, this ultimate fight, to gain the strength that they need to survive. In the end, the chick did not survive. The point is that struggle is a necessity of life, and sometimes taking the ''easy was out'' only causes disaster. But, if we are patient and we work and work to break free from our shells, we come out much stronger. The fight is almost always worth it.

I will admit that I am only human, and while I try to show those around me that I somehow ''have it all together,'' the reality is that I don't and I've been going through a hard battle on my own since November. Divorce is ugly, it's hard, it's frustrating, it's embarrassing, it's lonely. It breaks you down bit by bit, and at first everything seems so much easier... but in my experience, once the novelty wears off, it can be one of the most difficult things a person goes through. Sometimes I wish I could curl up in a cocoon for several months, and then magically wake up and all of these tough emotions would be worked out on their own. But life doesn't have a fast forward button, or even a pause button. I have already learned so much about myself and those around me from this experience, and I have a feeling that the lessons will never cease to show themselves.

The other day I left a pretty passive-aggressive status on my facebook. I don't usually do that - I don't see facebook as a place to broadcast your personal life, but it was a weak moment and I wanted my voice to be heard. Chances are, if you read that status and you are trying your best to be friends with both me and my ex, that was directed towards you. Lately I've found myself so angry, because I feel like these friends, these people who have only known me and my ex as a couple, are in the midst of their own struggle of trying to keep both of us in their lives while not hurting anyone's feelings. Being human, I was tired of being sympathetic of this struggle that these people are going through, because I was so hurt and felt so left out and have felt so alone lately. When Sean first moved out, I had an overwhelming support system and any time I needed some one or something... they were just there. But, months and months have passed and at some point people have to get back to their normal lives.

I've felt betrayed lately. Financially, this divorce has crippled me and as my debt piles up higher and higher, I find myself unable to go out or participate in things that cost money because honestly - I don't have it. When I see people posting on twitter or facebook, people who I consider some of my best friends, talking to Sean about hanging out or planning summer trips... it causes me to pull back and push everyone away. I try really, really hard to see their perspective - Sean and I were together since we were 14 and all of our friends are mutual... but sometimes it's so overwhelming and I feel so betrayed and hurt that I let my feelings get the best of me. I get tired of trying to see others perspectives, because frankly I'm going through the hardest battle I have ever experienced and for once I'd like some one to see my perspective. I miss the support I had at the beginning, but the reality of the matter is that I cannot rely on other people to always keep me as a number one priority - I may still be a priority, but they may be going through battles of their own that I don't even know about.

I'll be honest, I've had an extremely hard month. I'm planning to move out of Richmond towards the end of July, and I feel myself getting so anxious to leave that I sit and try to think of ways to get out of my lease sooner so that I can just get away from this environment that is causing me so much pain. I want to escape and never look back.

But then I remember the story about the girl who opened the egg too quickly and the little chick died. I still have things to learn in Richmond, and I need to stick to my timeline - a timeline I made when I was thinking more clearly and rationally and wasn't totally lost in my emotions. These lessons will be worth it in the end. Until then, I need to choose to be happy.

But that doesn't mean that I can't get away for a few hours. I don't have to allow my burdens to overcome me. Nature has always been a place for my deepest scars to heal, and I woke up Sunday morning with the aching desire to see the ocean. So that's what we did.

 

We packed up a beach bag, gathered our three pups, got in the car, and drove to Virginia Beach. It was so nice to touch my toes in the sand and to watch the dogs run and play in the ocean. But the best part was huddling together in our sweat shirts and blankets and napping in the sun with the sound of the waves in the background. Laughter came easy, and for a few hours I didn't think about all of the thousands of things that have been stressing me out to the point of exhaustion lately.

I read my horoscope today, and this is what it said:

"If you went over a large waterfall in a wayward raft, you would not have much control over where the water took you. However, you could hold on as tightly as possible, you could try to avoid the rocks and branches as they came flying at you, and you could recognize when it was appropriate to hold your breath as water came flying at your face. All of these things are important. You may now be facing a small crisis of some kind. Although you probably feel that you don't have any control, you do have an important measure of control. Stay alert, and you will do very well.''

I know that my best bet in overcoming the insecurities that are bound to come from a divorce is the decision to choose to be happy. When rocks and branches come flying at me, I can do my best to duck or take a step back. And when I feel totally overwhelmed, I can take a few moments to hold my breath knowing that this will all pass.

It's all much easier, I have found, when I decide to be happy no matter what. When I don't take things so personally, or allow other peoples actions to ruin my day. There are so many things to be greatful for in this beautiful journey of life - and the lessons that I am learning are sure to bring strength and knowledge that will undoubtedly give me the ability to overcome other obsticles that are placed in my path. Because let's be honest, life is all about learning and after this lesson has passed it will be time for a new one.

Your overall outlook means everything, and my choice is to choose happiness.

how my life is changing through discovering my inner wisdom.

A very close friend gifted me with the above book, The Art of Intuition, several months ago. This book has sat on my dresser, moved into the living room, and finally made it's way into my hands where I have been unable to pull not only my eyes but my heart and soul away from it. It's truly changing my life and giving me a new perspective that has been more healing than anything I've ever read before -- and I read a lot.

For the past several years, I have been adamant in classifying myself as an atheist. But as I have read through recent posts about my belief in The Universe, the idea that we are all connected, I have begun to understand that it's possible that my subconscious is trying to tell me that there may be a higher power of some kind. I am so open to psychics and tarot cards and palm readings and I even read my horoscope daily. What kind of atheist is that? One that feels so deeply connected physically, emotionally, and even spiritually to those around me, that at the end of the day I am sometimes exhausted from feeling so much. Is there such thing as a coincidence? Lately, I'm not so sure.

"I shall not commit the fashionable stupidity of regarding everything I cannot explain as a fraud"

C. G. Jung

First some background. I stopped believing in the traditional sense of "God" as a result of suffering that I felt I had to almost spitefully endure. I felt angry and upset and even betrayed by this higher power who I felt should be protecting me. Isn't that what we do for those we love, try to protect them from harm?

The first bit of my anger strung out after I was raped in college, where I was put in the situation where none of my 'friends' believed me or had my back in any way -- I was totally alone on this path and the journey was so dark and unbearable that I actually tried to end my life. Thank goodness I was unsuccessful. But then, Senior year of College I was faced with another struggle where a young boy that I grew up babysitting passed away tragically. These two events really chipped away at my belief system and made me question everything I had been taught.

Then, a few years later one of my very good friends committed suicide - and that felt like a physical backstabbing. When my God-Brother, Mitchell, became sick and needed a second transplant... I was done with this idea of ''God'' -- obviously I was alone on this journey and there was nobody there looking down on us, how could there be? How could a higher power who supposedly ''loved'' us, allow this much pain and suffering? After my divorce, I was finished with all of it.

I decided later that I hated God. The idea of a higher power made my stomach turn, and it became easier to deny his/her/it's existence then face the simple truth that suffering is a part of life. In the words of Bendrix, one of my favorite fictional characters from the book The End of The Affair, I said to this ''higher power'' I hate you as though you existed. And that was that, I was an atheist.

But as I begin to see how my life is unfolding, I'm beginning to realise that I don't know everything. I'm beginning to realise that my belief system is founded upon an emotion that is utterly toxic. That in order to break free from my suffering, I need to let go of the hatred and anger and depression and physical pain it has caused me. I cannot allow other people or events to dictate my life -- I cannot allow hatred to take over my soul. I cannot allow those who have caused me pain to hold me back from true happiness.

So back to this book. This mantra. This map to self discovery and trust and letting go of expectations about how life should be. Because if I am honest with myself, my struggles and my pain have allowed me to empathize with those around me in a way that I wouldn't trade for anything. As much as I've hated ''God'', I've never been so in love with humanity. And the more love that fills your spirit, the less room there is for negativity and sadness.

"Nothing in the world is single; All things by a law divine, in one another's being mingle''

Percy Shelley

I am realizing very quickly these days that we are all connected and that some things that I have shrugged off as ''coincidence'' may actually be much deeper than that and deserve more thought. I recently started dating some one who is very in tune with his spirituality. The first night we met, he told me about visions he had seen that later became a reality in his life. He told me about remembering his home where he lived as an infant. Times when he had talked to his father after he had passed, and gotten physical answers which cannot be explained any other way than spiritually.

I, too, have experienced similar events. I remember in high school I was extremely depressed and I whispered a plea to whatever or whoever would listen for even the slightest bit of comfort, and I physically felt arms wrapping around me and an overwhelming sense of calmness filled my body. I also get feelings deep inside my chest when people I care about need encouragement or support or love or safety -- I sense their need, reach out to them, and am in utter shock and disbelief when they say ''this was perfect timing, those words were exactly what I needed at this exact moment.'' I have vivid dreams about loved ones who have passed on, and the messages they send me seem so real that they send shivers up my spine. Are these all coincidences?

Yesterday I was in a coffee shop reading a local magazine when I came across an article about the astronaut Edgar Mitchell and his creation of the Institute of Noetic Sciences (IONS). I came home with a deep desire to pick up The Art of Intuition, and felt my stomach tighten as the very chapter I began mentioned this very person and institute. Instantly, I knew that what I was about to read was going to be something that I needed to pay special attention to. It was a gut feeling that was so strong, so fierce, that I looked up from my book and told Jon jokingly about this ''ccoincidence,'' only for him to say there are no such things as coincidences. Hm.

As I began reading, hours passed within a matter of minutes. I was sucked into the authors words about gut feelings, intuition, reading auras, feeling others emotions, and communicating with animals. I stopped several times to share what I was reading with Jon, and every time I was shocked and almost confused that he didn't find any of it to be crazy. We began talking about a story my mother told me about my Nana and Grampy. She said that growing up and even after her and her sister moved out, my grandparents would take a bath together each night at seven o'clock -- this was there time together to unwind from the day and really focus on each other. They would run the bath and then play a music box which to my knowledge my grandmother still has today, even though it hasn't worked for years. My grandfather passed away, and on the night of the anniversary of his death the music box began to play at exactly seven o'clock. How can you explain this without admitting that it's possible than my grandfather was sending a special message to his lover, letting her know that he was okay?

Yesterday, as I read each page, I had a feeling in my chest that I still cannot shake. For the first time in a long time, I have begun to acknowledge that simply dismissing a higher power of some kind does not have any effect on if that higher power exists or not. Maybe this higher power isn't a long haired, birkenstock wearing teacher named Jesus. Maybe it's something far more complex. Maybe my idea of The Universe is that same higher power that my mother preaches about on Sunday mornings, only we are experiencing it in a different way that is individual and specific to us.

She talked about how most people who are able to see and feel and touch things that others cannot, are simply those who are in tune with themselves. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I sometimes sense when one of my three dogs needs one on one time, that I sometimes communicate with people in a very real way through dreaming, and that the conversations I have had with nature (trees, water, leaves, flowers, the breeze, the sky, pebbles, etc) aren't simply a fantasy. I realised that maybe the plants in my office are growing so well, to the point where people come to visit just to see them, because I actually do take time to talk to them. I do take the time to touch their leaves, feel their energy, and transfer my love into their roots. Am I crazy, or is there actually no such thing as a coincidence?

More importantly, how can I be this open to spirituality and still claim myself as an atheist? Suddenly, I am aware that there is so much more going on in this Universe than I was even aware of, because my soul has been so cluttered with anger and hatred.

I don't know what to call myself, and maybe that's what spirituality is all about. But I now have a desire to let go of this negativity that has been building and building, and allow some room for possibility and belief and maybe even a miracle or two. For once, I think I am beginning to understand what it means to truly listen to myself and the importance of strengthening my own intuition.

 For now, I am opening my mind to the possibility that there may not be such a thing as a coincidence. I am opening my mind to the possibility that maybe, things will be okay for me once I make more space in my spirit for love and openness. That maybe, just maybe, there is safety in not knowing everything.

adjusting my sails.

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Life is an incredible journey. One thing that I've learned is that it is not easy, and that if it were - I would have missed out on so many important lessons and given up the opportunity for some of my greatest adventures to unfold.  

So I am thankful for my struggles. My open wounds. My tears and scars and vulnerabilities and imperfections and endless baggage. I am thankful for learning things the hard way, and for always picking myself back up - even when I've felt too tired or too worn or much too broken.

Most of all, I am thankful that I get to be a part of this big adventure that is my life. That I get to choose which paths I take and which I leave behind. I do not get to choose which troubles I happen to stumble upon, but I do get some choice in how each moment changes and molds and inspires me.

I get to choose to be happy, and that is something that I am forever grateful for.

Lately.

Lately, life has been pretty good. Really good actually. I've felt loved and worthy and happy and fulfilled and inspired and needed and not so much like my life has been all uphill, which it's felt like for nearly a year. I feel like I can pause, enjoy, and take a breath.

I've been spending my days with positive people, writing in my journal, watching movies, playing with my puppies, taking bubble baths, allowing myself to cry when needed (because who doesn't love a good cry?) and simply enjoying life.

I've taken a step back from the internet. Because lately, I've needed to put more energy into the relationships I've built in my everyday life and those relationships have taken a front seat to social media -- and that's okay.

So much in my life is changing, and quickly. It can be overwhelming and scary and stressful, but most of the time... it's honestly refreshing and leaves a big smile on my face at the end of each day.

lessons learned

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

-Steve Jobs

No matter how hard I try to continue looking forward and really live life moment to moment, our past is what makes us who we are and you cannot deny that the past and present are always connected by each passing moment. 

I have learned so much about myself in these past few months, and every day I am thankful as I continue to learn and to grow. When my ex-husband left in November, I read so many books and articles about how when going through divorce, you must first be able to acknowledge your qualities that need improving before you are able to get into a relationship with some one else. Otherwise, history is destined to repeat itself.

For so long, I honestly thought I had nothing to improve upon. Selfishly, I believed that I had done everything right and that the reason our marriage failed was entirely due to Sean... which is so silly, because I know I am not perfect, and we as individuals always have things that we can improve upon.

This didn't become clear in my mind until I started dating again. I met some one that I let manipulate me and who I settled for, because I was afraid to be alone and therefore I was afraid to stand up for myself. Then I met some one else, and even though we didn't have anything in common I kept seeing him because I wanted to feel loved. I paid for everything. I didn't speak my mind because I wanted to avoid arguments at all costs. I felt myself loosing touch with that same strong woman who made the difficult decision to end my marriage for the sake of saving myself.

Then I finally realized that I was repeating the cycle of my old relationships. Settling for less than I deserve. Not always speaking up, but rather staying quiet so that an argument didn't erupt. Spending time with people whom I did not admire in any way, and who were not as goal oriented or inspired about life as I am. Allowing myself to be a doormat.

A lot of my friends have made comments about how I do not need to be dating anyone at this point in my life. But to those who hold this belief, I would like to remind them that for the majority of my marriage - I was alone. I ate alone. I slept alone. I was extremely depressed and it took me deciding that I loved myself too much to continue to settle before I was able to end that relationship. That takes a hell of a lot of courage. And the lessons that I have learned and continue to learn from that relationship are worth everything in my past that has brought me to where I am now.

And so this is what I have been working on. Meeting some one who compliments me, because I am already complete with or without a man in my life. Speaking my mind and sharing my thoughts about life, even though most of the people in my life share different views. Cherishing those differences. Believing in myself enough to not shy away from a person because I feel that I am not good enough or worthy enough. Because in all honestly, the big lesson that I have learned is that I am worth it, and that I do have a lot of offer a relationship. That I am independent and romantic and feel things deeply and above all I am a dreamer - and that the right guy will love these things about me and encourage me to take adventures and risks and think outside of the box and be proud with me when I succeed. Because I am incredibly strong and determined and full of love, and I will undoubtedly succeed at whatever and wherever my heart leads me to follow.

I want some one who is able to succeed on their own as well; some one to celebrate with when we do something especially great. When we accomplish a goal or make new ones. When we follow our dreams. Some one to share each moment with and using those moments to grow and inspire and truly cherish life and everything beautiful and not so beautiful about it.

For so long, I was content with being alone. It was in all honesty a safety net that I built around my heart - I could depend on myself and do my own thing, and if I was let down it was only due to something I myself had done. But letting myself trust others, and letting myself love in general... this has been my ultimate reward.

And as my past begins to unravel and I begin to see how each experience has formed and molded and created the woman I am today, I am no longer angry at those who have hurt me but rather greatful to the lessons those experiences have provided. I am pushing the hatred and anger out of my life little by little, and in turn this leaves me with more room to trust and to love and it is teaching me so much about freedom.

So I am proud of the path I have followed up to this point, because it has led me here - it has led me to a place where I can love myself and be happy without guilt. And I am excited to see where this path will lead me, all the while appreciating where I have been and where I am now in this exact moment of space and time.

Trust & Listen.

For so long I have felt alone. Alone in my marriage. Alone in my friendships. Alone in my beliefs. I've often wondered what is it about me that is so easy to leave? That's a heavy question, but I think the answer is that I am not easy to leave, but rather my focus needs to be on wrapping myself up in my own love and letting me be enough, just me. I need to stop searching for another person to fill this void, because deep in my soul I already know that I can fill this void on my own. I just need to trust and to listen.

I have been thinking so deeply about this. About how things have been arranged and re-arranged and how the only constant in my life is myself. I am with myself, every single moment. Not to say that I don't need others, because my connection to those around me runs so deep. But rather, that a person is not capable of filling this void on my behalf. That I cannot continue to blindly jump -- that I can still live in the moment without rushing fate. That I need to be my first priority, because you are born and you die alone; you owe it to yourself to be enough.

Having a body next to you is just that, a body. Unless of course you take the time to build a relationship and trust and most of all, when you think of this person your insides and everything about your being tell you that this other person compliments you. They cannot complete you, because you first must be complete. People will only love you as much as you love yourself.

I am not a lonely person. I am extremely connected to my family, my friends, my co-workers, my community. Society puts so much pressure on women, especially twenty somethings like myself, to settle down. To have kids. To find a person to build your life with. But I have settled, I have attempted to build, and it left me feeling trapped and insecure. Despite my anxieties about what society would think about leaving my husband, I left because I knew that I needed to follow my inner voice. I left because I knew there was so much out there that I still needed to discover. And more times than not, listening and trusting yourself does so much more than listening and trusting society.

So I have decided to tell society and it's pressures and stereotypes to fuck off. I have decided to continue trusting and listening to myself. To make the bold move of embracing myself, my flaws, my achievements, and to let these things be enough for now. And there is no better place to heal than in nature, where we all began and where we will continue to transform and to transcend.

As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.

[Henry David Thoreau]

~

 p.s. - I have been in need of a regular bed (I've been sleeping in a twin bed since November) and also a couch... guess what I got for free this weekend? I think I'm going to do a loft tour post this week... I'm so proud of myself for building a life and a home that leaves me inspired and content :)

healing.

I have spent the majority of my life being hard on myself. Settling for less than I deserve. Surrounding myself with others who may not be healthy or supportive or even kind. But just as the moon goes through phases, so has my life and it feels as though I am approaching a fullness that is so overpowering that nothing can get in my way any longer. I have hope that this fullness will be enough to hold my strength, even through the dark times which are always just a few phases away.

I look in the mirror at my body and I no longer cringe, but rather see the beauty in my curves and the changes that have taken place since I've let myself treat my body kinder and found other ways to cope with my emotions that are so much healthier. I see a woman when I see my reflection. Curves are okay; in fact, they're beautiful. There is a new found pride deep within me and it screams the joys of womanhood.

When I am out, I take compliments to heart and no longer wonder if words that people say are honest or mearly opportunities to take something away from me. I am learning to trust again, and brick by brick the walls I have built around my heart are coming down. This is a slow process, but it feels good to let others into my safe haven again rather than shutting them out completely. It feels even better to dig up these wounds from the deepest parts of my soul and let them out into the fresh air where they can finally heal.

I came across a quote the other day on a new friends facebook page. It spoke volumes to where I am at in my life, and I've found myself coming back to these words and loving who I am and what I have become much deeper each time I return to them.

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

--Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I feel as though I have been through so much struggle in the short time that I have been here, but that I am finally making my way out of the depths. I am no longer a victim to my circumstances. I am happy and free and my harshest wounds are starting to heal -- I am experiencing my first taste of freedom in perhaps forever.

 

And the best part of this moon phase, is that in it's fullness I have become aware of my beauty. My hope is that I will be able to continue to shine, even through the darkness. Others may still hurt me, but I no longer find it necessary to hurt myself. This is a first step -actually a leap- into my journey of loving myself completely.

who matters?

[credit unknown]

There is so much learning to be done. Every single day, a new opportunity to learn and re-learn and re-learn it all over again. Just when you think you know everything, you realize you know nothing. And then when you feel as if your life is a complete and utter mess, and that nothing makes sense... somehow it circles around again and you feel certain that your path was made specifically for you. Life is a cycle, and it never seems to have a beginning or an ending.

The people that we choose to bring along on our journey are so very important. All of them. From the ones who hurt us, make us feel unworthy, to those who spark a desire in our hearts to be better people. Each of them has something to offer, and it is our inner voice which must tell us who to learn from and let go, and who to hold on to tightly. If you trust no one, you must always trust yourself. You must always believe deeply in the Universe and her ability to balance out the good with the bad. The love to the hurt. There is no beginning or end, but rather life is a never ending journey full of adventure and moments which can never be brought back.

Letting go and learning and holding on and learning and enjoying and tasting and loving and falling and getting back up - this is what we are here to accomplish.

following my path.

a favorite spot on my weekly walks to the James River

Each of us has a path that we must find and follow. These paths are unique to each of us, and are never easy. Along our path, there are rivers we must cross, mountains we must climb, and rocks we sometimes stumble upon. It's easy to lose your balance and get swept up into the sea or to isolate yourself in the deepest caves of your imagination. Your path may change from one day to the next, or hour to hour. But in the midst of these challenges and tough decisions, there are moments when we each must realize that the struggles are what bring us to a place of calm reassurance and ultimately, if we're lucky, self love. These moments, where we feel and understand the blessing of each new adventure, are what life is all about.

I don't want this blog to be a place where I solely focus on my recent divorce, but rather a space where I work through these complex emotions, ever changing journeys, and remind myself over and over and over that I am enough, I am worth loving, and that trusting myself has never lead me off course. Although I've strayed from my path from time to time, I've always managed to come back to my inner desires - my path of self discovery and adventure that I so cherish and wouldn't give up for any amount of material belongings.

My connection to nature and my love for humanity have always been my North Star; these things always lead me home, always bring me back to my center and remind me of what brings true joy and ultimate happiness. Living alone, without internet or cable, is difficult. There have been nights when I've cried myself to sleep and then woken the next morning only to feel my eyes and cheeks burning from tears that still needed release. But more recently, the tears have been replaced with a sense of wholeness and I am okay being with myself. I am okay with laughing, I don't feel guilty for being happy, and each day is a brand new adventure.

Although I appreciate quiet moments in my loft, snuggled up with my two precious puppies and a good book, or even soaking in a bubble bath with some soothing music, I have begun to venture out by exploring my city and meeting new people. The highlight of my weekends have become waking up early, packing a warm croissant with pumpkin butter/coffee/lemonade, and soaking in the fresh air at the river. I have so many strong, amazing women in my life now -- women with similar values and on similar paths, who I connect with in a way that is so new to me. We spend time together with deep belly laughs, cooking yummy dinners, and reaffirming each others self worth.

Work has become a place where I have finally figured out how to pull my creativity into my daily routine, and I have flourished and am content with my career in a way that I did not think was possible. I have taken more time to talk and get to know my co-workers, have felt more comfortable empathising with my clients, and have made stronger bonds in the community which has been beneficial to both myself and my company.

I wake up early each day (where as I used to struggle to get out of bed) and am excited knowing that anything is possible. I could meet another kindred spirit, I could connect with a client in a way that I haven't before, I could learn something new about myself, I could help a stranger. I have worries and struggles, don't get me wrong, but my attitude has shifted and my glass has become half full.

There are so many possibilities available to my life that would not have been had I stayed in my marriage. I am looking at moving to a state where there is more focus on nature and community. I am in the process of starting a side cleaning buisness so that I can continue to live comfortably (it's hard adjusting to a smaller income, being on my own now). I have so many thoughts about road trips, seeing new places, and camping adventures. If I have a gut feeling, a desire that I cannot explain, I no longer feel the need for an explaination - I trust myself, get what I can out of each day, and follow my path without looking back. Life is beautiful, is it not?

Emotion.

it's the little things... like listening to a good playlist while cuddling with my puppy :)

As we grow and continue to evolve, we go through an array of emotions. Some days we are incredibly happy, others sad, others maybe even ambivalent. As an extremely emotional person (I blame it on being a true Cancer), it has taken me a long time to understand that it is okay to feel emotions - all of them; no emotion is bad.

It has taken me such a long time to come to terms with this. And I think that I am finally beginning to understand that emotions are natural and it's so important to feel them... not push them inward and attempt to ignore them. The first step, for me, has been taking the time to love myself -- all of me. Especially the messy imperfections.

The greatest lesson in life is cherishing things that make you happy, and learning to embrace and then let go the things that make you sad. Easier said than done, but it's a process and intentional path that you must choose individually. It's so worth it in the end.

You are the only person in the Universe exactly like you. Special, and worthy of love -- especially love for yourself. Life is such an incredible adventure, and every day is a new chance to learn and create and become whatever it is that truly makes you happy.

Sending you love from my little space on the internet - xx

90%

[image found here.]



I can't say enough how much I love this Lawrence Krauss quote:

“Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life - weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget Jesus. The stars died so that you could be here today.” 

Do you ever think about how incredible it is that we are all here? So many things had to fall into place for each and every one of us to exist as we are at exactly this moment. Crazy mannnnnnn. :)

So whether you are like me and have faith in the Universe and Nature, or you believe in something else like God or Jesus or Ghandi or maybe a mixture of all of it or none at all -- take some time to think about the incredible lottery that you won allowing you life.

And next time that nasty voice creeps into your brain and tells you that you aren't good enough or pretty enough or thin enough or just plain not enough... tell that voice to quiet down, because too many things have fallen into place for you to spend your short time here hating yourself. Too many things have altered so that you can be here. Freakin stars exploded so that you could have fingernails.

And whenever you feel alone, remember that we are all in this together... because we are made up of all the same elements. You are the Universe, and we couldn't get along without you :)

breathe in, breathe out.

I have always, always battled with anxiety. That tight feeling comes up into my chest and from there scoops me up and squeezes me until I feel like I am fighting for each breath. When I was a little girl, I used to run out into the woods behind our house for hours. I would gather sticks and leaves and mushrooms, and make tiny knome houses and pretend to be their leader. I would dig my fingers into the clay of the tiny creek's walls, and build tiny bowls and plates and have tea parties all by myself. I would throw my shoes off, so that I could feel leaves crunching under my feet and gather soft dirt between each of my toes. I could breathe out there, and I never wanted to leave that safe place that I had made for myself somewhere between reality and my imagination.

When I was a teenager, I kept my tradition and whenever life got a little too hard I would run as fast as I could to the forest. Usually with my camera in hand, I would balance on fallen trees and lay on my back looking up at the scattered pieces of tree and sky. I would wade knee deep in the creek and collect pebbles or snail shells. I would dig in the dirt and sometimes, pull out blue or green glass bottles who had hidden there for years undisturbed and seen things that I would never know about. I would think about how perfect it would be to live so far away from society, with a soul mate who I had yet to meet. How freeing it must feel to hunt for every meal and work together with nature rather than against it.

But I always had to leave that space; I always had to come back to society.

And now, as a twenty-something, I find myself in the middle of a city. Rather than living in a mountain cabin, I find myself in an industrial loft filled with busy people and too many cars. I love my life, but I can't dissapear into the forest whenever things get hard anymore. First, I have to go to work and clean the house and wash the dishes and feed the dogs and go to sleep and then get up and do it all over again. I have to face life head on, and confront that tightness in my chest -- running from it does not make it dissapear for long.

But when there is time (and there usually is), I am able to pull myself up and out the door and across the bridge until I am right there, right where I need to be. I take off my shoes, and jump from rock to rock to rock until I am on the river's edge. And this is where I do my best thinking. This is where I dream about where I want my life to go and which path I am meant to follow. And while I am laying there, in the middle of nature, I feel accepted and I feel that I am enough. And those are the moments that keep me going, because those are the moments that have always kept me going.

To the degree that we are lost, it is on the same Ocean, in the same night.

{found via weheartit}

Just in case you were wondering, I have been doing an incredible amount of work on myself this year. So far, seven months into 2011, it has already been one heck of a whirlwind of emotional let downs and dissapointments. But as my dad always says, you are resonsible for how you feel each day.

And, for now anyway, I decide to be happy.

When things get really hard, I remind myself that we are each the Universe - not only a small part, but in reality we are the Universe entirely. We are all composed of 99% the same elements, therefore we are all so connected to one another that the line between where you end and I begin remains blurred and faint. It feels better knowing that we are all together, rather than totally separate entities wandering around aimlessly hurting one another for no apparent reason. When you hurt others, you also hurt yourself. When you are kind to others, you are also being kind to yourself.

And because we are only separated by that 1%, we can only distance ourself but so far from one another. But doesn't that 1% feel like an eternity, sometimes?

This is a quote that brings this idea together for me -

I no longer expect things to make sense. I know there is no safety. But that does not mean there is no magic. It does not mean there is no hope. It simply means that each of us has reason to be wishful and frightened, aspiring and flawed. And it means that to the degree we are lost, is it on the same Ocean, in the same night.

Elizabeth Kayle

There are some things that have happened this year that have left a black cloud of thick negative energy around me. So, I am trying to feed the positive back into my life one day at a time. And you know what? It's working.

Just when I thought the spark and excitement had totally left my marriage, I fed it positive energy and as a result I feel like we are finally back on track.

Just when I thought negativity was taking over my self image completely, I fed it positive energy by joining a gym and being more social and I feel like I am worthy again.

Just when I thought that my life was so boring that it would be impossible to be happy, I fed it positive energy and now I am doing more and seeing more than I have in a very long time.

Just when I thought I was insignificant and the work I did professionally didn't matter, I fed it positive energy and not only did I get a raise, but my clients seem to be responding better than ever to treatment.

Just when I thought I would be miserable because we didn't get the house we wanted, I fed it positive energy and am having more fun than ever re-decorating our loft with Sean.

Just when I thought my heart was broken from people leaving my life, I fed it positive energy and others have come into my life who are fulfilling and healthy.

Just when I thought we were too poor to ever have a decent vacation, I fed it positive energy and Sean and I are now planning a trip to London sometime next year.

It takes a lot of work to feed positive energy into a negative situation, but it's worth it.

Healing.

This weekend wasn't really about fireworks or cookouts for me. It was more about healing and taking in each moment and really working on loving myself. I have been going through some pretty big things lately both in my professional life as well as personally. For me, there is no better place to heal than the mountains... so Friday after work I drove to Fincastle, Virginia and met up with some friends for the weekend. I wasn't ready to head back to the City on Sunday, so I drove right past my exit and continued driving until I reached my parents lake house.

There is nothing better than escaping into nature for some deep introspection. And no better place to think, than when you're surrounded by mountains and fresh air. I am so lucky to have so many good people in my life, and one of the most freeing moments for me was sitting outside and talking to good friends under more than a thousand visible stars. You just don't get views like that in the City. For the first time in a very long time, I didn't feel like I was trapped or suffocated.

How could you feel anything but free when you're waking up every morning to this view:

Or when you're driving hours away from your home, and you're surrounded by this:

Sometimes life and circumstance gets in the way of truly living every moment, breathing in each breath and really feeling replenished. I hope that this weekend, you were able to feel a little more alive and a little more free.

Dreams.

Lately, I've been having some really strange dreams - even for me. I told Sean that I think it's because I am actually sleeping through the night now that we got Netflix. FYI, Sean likes to stay up watching t.v. until ridiculous hours in the wee morning and when he falls asleep the television is usually blasting (if you've spent the night with us, you know....). Anyway, we had to get rid of Blockbuster because they're going out of business and long story short, when movies are over on Netflix they cut off (as opposed to with Blockbuster, where they start playing previews or other loud things). You probably don't really care, but I think it's glorious!!!!!

Anyway, last night I had a really weird dream and I can't help but think my subconcious was trying to tell me something. I was sitting in a strange place with a group of my closest friends, plus a few imaginary ones. I say strange, because I was sitting at a picnic table outside somewhere and it was one of those places thats half real and half fantasy, do you ever have those in your dreams? Anyway. This girl (who is a real person in my life) showed up and was trying to turn all of my friends against me. Finally, I stood up for myself and said something like ''these are my friends, we're having a good time, and if you aren't going to be nice to everyone then you need to leave.''

One thing you should probably know, is I have a habit of getting really down on myself and going through periods where I'm super critical of my body. I also go through periods where I wonder if I would be friends with myself if I had the chance. WELL, the mean girl in my dream responded by asking me why any of my friends even like me or hang out with me in the first place, and without hesitation I said "Because I'm really fun to be around, and you may be prettier or skinnier than I am but you're not a nice person''.

I think I was trying to tell myself that looks aren't everything, and that I do have qualities that draw my friends to me. The dream got weird, because one of my friends started going into labor and then we were all attending Satan's funeral... yeah.... funny how that took a turn for the super creepy!

So, I woke up this morning in a really great mood (because I love remembering a good dream) and to top it off, it's freakin' beautiful outside. The best part of this story, is that today while I was putting gas in my car this random creepster told me that he thought I was ''really pretty''. When you're married, you take evey compliment from the opposite sex as an ego boost, kind of like 'I've still got it!' ... at least I do anyway.

The universe has a way of reminding us things, such as the reality that each person is beautiful in their own way, and if you're spending all of your time focusing on the negatives you really start to miss the positives. And I thought that maybeeeee there was some one out there who needed to hear this as much as I did... so there you have it -- you are beautiful, and not in the 'everyone's beautiful on the inside' type of way... you are REALLY beautiful! I'm sure that there's some one out there who thinks about your beauty every single morning when they wake up and just before they go to bed. So hug yourself, and be nice to yourself! And I'll try to do the same :)

Lemons.

Sometimes I feel like life throws you things all at once. And that can be a bit overwhelming, which is why I've been pretty quiet in this space. I've been taking time to meet new people, get out of the house, and just be extra good to myself. Because I've realized that in the past, when I am sad, I tend to stay home and dwell on it. But that doesn't really change anything, and keeping busy allows me to enjoy every moment of life -- even the not so good ones.

I've also realized that I'm at a point in my life where I need to grow; to branch out. I've realized that some of the people in my life haven't been the healthiest for me at this time, and that letting them go is a whole lot more freeing than sad. I've realized that when you surround yourself with negative people, you become negative. And I don't want to be that way, when I am still so young and have so much to give of myself to those around me. I deserve to be respected, and those who do not offer that respect easily aren't worth my time or effort.

I've learned that I cannot control things. Things happen and the universe does not look to me before giving the 'ok'. Some things happen that I cannot possibly see the reason for, but I now understand that these things may allow another person to grow and change in the way that they have needed to. I can't take responsibility for a kidney failing or for a life long friend turning her back. It isn't all about me.

I think that this has been a long winter, but each day that passes brings us closer to the spring. And I am confident that when I look back at this moment, I will know that these lessons will carry me through adulthood. That although I am just at the beginning of understanding, I will continue to learn about life and my place in this universe. I won't try to change people, but rather see them as they are and let go if I need to. I won't take possession of bad feelings and circumstances, because they are not for me to control. The universe has a way of balancing things out in nature, and by letting her do just that I will learn to free my own spirit.