dreams: part II

I will tell you this: When I was a little girl, I would run to the edge of the forest, kick off my shoes as fast as I possibly could, and run deep deep deep into the trees until I could no longer see my house or hear another human being. In that space, I would imagine that I was the only person alive and I would slip off my dress and lay in the creek and pretend that life was always this easy. That life wasn't so complicated, and that I never had to leave that space unless I wanted to.

I always came back to civilization, though. But those hours that I spent in the forest gave me just enough hope in love and in humanity and in life that I was able to come back with my head held high. I knew that I did not fit into society, and that pleased me more than anything. Nature was my true home.

I would daydream about what you would be like. How the sun would place a perfect halo around the crown of your head, and how the wind would dance in your hair. You would sit next to me and with our toes in the cool water, you would hold my hand and I would place my head on your shoulder and we would sit in silence and be perfectly content with that.

The trees and animals would be our only witnesses, and you would pluck flowers from the ground and put them in my hair and make me feel like a princess. You would be my king; the king of the forest.

We would string lights from the trees and I would wear a white lace dress and barefoot we would walk along a path and before The Universe you would kiss me and I would be your bride and we would be happy there, in that space, forever.

Our song would be the birds chirping and the bees humming and the distant wolves howling with excitement. In the moonlight, we would lay underneath the stars and our bodies would keep us so warm that we would feel almost electric. The sparks between us would light up the night and create a display so beautiful that had anyone else been around, they would not be able to take their eyes off of it.

But this is the part of the story where I would always wake up, and I would reach for you beside me and the ground would be cold and empty. I would feel like a hollowed tomb and would pull my heavy body from that space and make the trek back home, back into society. Alone.

As broken as those daydreams would leave me though, they also excited me. Because my soul could never feel so lost or burdened unless you were really out there somewhere. So every day I would look for you, and I would ask The Universe to bring us together.

I'm still waiting, and I have not given up hope.

[part I]

Trust & Listen.

For so long I have felt alone. Alone in my marriage. Alone in my friendships. Alone in my beliefs. I've often wondered what is it about me that is so easy to leave? That's a heavy question, but I think the answer is that I am not easy to leave, but rather my focus needs to be on wrapping myself up in my own love and letting me be enough, just me. I need to stop searching for another person to fill this void, because deep in my soul I already know that I can fill this void on my own. I just need to trust and to listen.

I have been thinking so deeply about this. About how things have been arranged and re-arranged and how the only constant in my life is myself. I am with myself, every single moment. Not to say that I don't need others, because my connection to those around me runs so deep. But rather, that a person is not capable of filling this void on my behalf. That I cannot continue to blindly jump -- that I can still live in the moment without rushing fate. That I need to be my first priority, because you are born and you die alone; you owe it to yourself to be enough.

Having a body next to you is just that, a body. Unless of course you take the time to build a relationship and trust and most of all, when you think of this person your insides and everything about your being tell you that this other person compliments you. They cannot complete you, because you first must be complete. People will only love you as much as you love yourself.

I am not a lonely person. I am extremely connected to my family, my friends, my co-workers, my community. Society puts so much pressure on women, especially twenty somethings like myself, to settle down. To have kids. To find a person to build your life with. But I have settled, I have attempted to build, and it left me feeling trapped and insecure. Despite my anxieties about what society would think about leaving my husband, I left because I knew that I needed to follow my inner voice. I left because I knew there was so much out there that I still needed to discover. And more times than not, listening and trusting yourself does so much more than listening and trusting society.

So I have decided to tell society and it's pressures and stereotypes to fuck off. I have decided to continue trusting and listening to myself. To make the bold move of embracing myself, my flaws, my achievements, and to let these things be enough for now. And there is no better place to heal than in nature, where we all began and where we will continue to transform and to transcend.

As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.

[Henry David Thoreau]

~

 p.s. - I have been in need of a regular bed (I've been sleeping in a twin bed since November) and also a couch... guess what I got for free this weekend? I think I'm going to do a loft tour post this week... I'm so proud of myself for building a life and a home that leaves me inspired and content :)

words to live by

I've been thinking about this post for over a week (Joanna's one of my favorites!)... and how sad it is that so many of us have lost touch with being outdoors. I've been making more of a conscious effort to get outside and enjoy bare feet, wind blown hair, and dirt under my fingernails. Let me tell you, it feels wonderful!

[image found here.]

Crabtree Falls Pt. 1

This weekend was spent at my favorite campsite in all of Virginia, Crabtree Falls! Me, Sean and three of our friends headed into the Mountains of Tyro, Virginia for one of the best weekends I've had in a long time - and the weather could not have been more perfect (hello, fall!)

We never go on a trip without our pups, and I think that even they had a great time! They are pretty much indoor dogs, but the more we go camping the better they seem to do adjusting. I also brought my natural, homemade bug spray that I'm constantly bragging about... we choose not to use heart worm or flea medication on our pups, so this was an absolute necessity (plus we use it on ourselves as well). You can read more about that here - it works wonders and doesn't leave your skin sticky and gross!

The whole weekend was pretty excellent, but there are two things that really stick out in my mind as the highlights. First, we FINALLY made it to the top of Crabtree Falls, a 5 mile hike (we count the mile walk to/from the campsite). When Sean and I camped here last year, we only made it about halfway up because it's pretty steep and draining. I cannot tell you how unbelievably good it felt to push myself and make it all the way - the view was definitely worth it! [holy moly, my legs are sore!]

The second highlight was coming back that night and cuddling up by the fire, sharing funny stories and laughing with my friends. It was actually pretty cold outside, and it was absolute heaven just hanging out and enjoying each others company!

We grabbed lunch in Charlottesville on our way home, and the pups have been sleeping ever since we left the campsite. We came home and watched the entire first season of Entourage and I took what could quite possibly have been the best shower in the known universe. After sleeping a whopping 11 hours last night, I'm still exhausted but riding off the high of this weekend! I wanna go back asap!

I suck at taking pictures when we camp because I'm too busy getting caught up in the stress-free-ness of being disconnected from everyday life. No facebook, no twitter, no cell phone services. Ohmygosh I love it.  But I did manage to take a few, and part two will be full of pictures that my friends took! Wait until you see the view from the top of the mountain!

1. our humble abode for the weekend   2. our 'backyard'! the campsite next to us caught a huge trout from this stream!   3. Sean & Sampson   4. Samps... passed out in the car :)

I hope you had a fun weekend as well!

Camping Goodness!

So I'm a little late to the game, but I finally added the Blogger App on my iPhone. Does anyone else use this for blogging? We'll see if it makes life easier or harder :)

I'm so excited about this weekend, because a group of us are headed on a camping trip to Crabtree Falls. I love this campsite, because it's in the mountains, we're surrounded by the forest, and we get to go hiking! Last year I underestimated the trail & didn't complete the trek, but this year I'm ready to make it to the top!

This week has been a long one, and I'm ready to relax in nature all weekend! What are you doing this weekend?

P.S. - How much do you love my rooftop view of the city? I love Richmond ;)

breathe in, breathe out.

I have always, always battled with anxiety. That tight feeling comes up into my chest and from there scoops me up and squeezes me until I feel like I am fighting for each breath. When I was a little girl, I used to run out into the woods behind our house for hours. I would gather sticks and leaves and mushrooms, and make tiny knome houses and pretend to be their leader. I would dig my fingers into the clay of the tiny creek's walls, and build tiny bowls and plates and have tea parties all by myself. I would throw my shoes off, so that I could feel leaves crunching under my feet and gather soft dirt between each of my toes. I could breathe out there, and I never wanted to leave that safe place that I had made for myself somewhere between reality and my imagination.

When I was a teenager, I kept my tradition and whenever life got a little too hard I would run as fast as I could to the forest. Usually with my camera in hand, I would balance on fallen trees and lay on my back looking up at the scattered pieces of tree and sky. I would wade knee deep in the creek and collect pebbles or snail shells. I would dig in the dirt and sometimes, pull out blue or green glass bottles who had hidden there for years undisturbed and seen things that I would never know about. I would think about how perfect it would be to live so far away from society, with a soul mate who I had yet to meet. How freeing it must feel to hunt for every meal and work together with nature rather than against it.

But I always had to leave that space; I always had to come back to society.

And now, as a twenty-something, I find myself in the middle of a city. Rather than living in a mountain cabin, I find myself in an industrial loft filled with busy people and too many cars. I love my life, but I can't dissapear into the forest whenever things get hard anymore. First, I have to go to work and clean the house and wash the dishes and feed the dogs and go to sleep and then get up and do it all over again. I have to face life head on, and confront that tightness in my chest -- running from it does not make it dissapear for long.

But when there is time (and there usually is), I am able to pull myself up and out the door and across the bridge until I am right there, right where I need to be. I take off my shoes, and jump from rock to rock to rock until I am on the river's edge. And this is where I do my best thinking. This is where I dream about where I want my life to go and which path I am meant to follow. And while I am laying there, in the middle of nature, I feel accepted and I feel that I am enough. And those are the moments that keep me going, because those are the moments that have always kept me going.

how to turn a sad morning into a happy afternoon.

This morning I was having a really awful time feeling sorry for myself. I decided that I needed to work on my attitude and make the most out of the day, and so I decided to get some fresh air. I pulled off my work pants and sweater, and quickly changed into my running clothes. I took the steps downstairs, and started running for the river. I ran past cars and buildings and buisness men, and straight for the water. It felt so good to be outside that I kept running all the way to Belle Isle, a little island about 1.5 miles away from where I work.

I just kept running through all of the stress and all of the pain. For the first time in a long time, it didn't feel like I was working out. It felt like therapy. I ran over a suspended bridge and looked to both sides; I was surrounded by water. I could smell fresh mulch and hear the leaves rustling in the winter air. I could see birds flying above me and ran past walls colored in grafitti. I felt lighter than air. I ran all the way across that bridge until my toes landed in the sand and I sat there for a minute, just looking at how peaceful the river was. I looked up and down and left and right and every direction greeted me with something beautiful and refreshing. It was hard to force myself out of that trance, and run back to the office. But I promised myself that I will run outside at least once a week, giving myself a break from the usual gym routine.

The fresh air lightened my mood and made me really happy. I take for granted things that are just within reach of my office building, and it was nice to be reminded that a place so peaceful exists so close to my everyday routine. It's amazing how time in nature really made me feel good and gave me so much positive energy, which has helped today become pretty great.

Some other great things that happened today:

[01] My boss bought me some chips out of the vending machine after I mentioned that I was craving them :)

[02] Sean's car was making funny noises, so I picked him up this morning. Not very happy about his car, but it was nice having a few unexpected moments with him today!

[03] After my run, I had a warm chicken breast with a side salad - made with love by my mother in law last night.

[04] I have realized that I do have supportive friends who love me and appreciate me, and a husband that I can always lean on if I need to. I am a lucky girl and have no reason to spend my day sulking.

[05] I stepped on the scale today and lost 2 pounds over the weekend... whoop whoop!

How do you shake a bad mood?

Crab Tree Falls..

I feel like I haven't blogged in a while. I love long weekends, but I often miss the opportunity to sit in front of my computer screen and spill my emotions. This weekend I went camping, and it was literally the breath of fresh air that I so badly needed. As I drove in between and up and back down the mountains, I reached for my little iphone to snap a memory. I went to college in the mountains, and I didn't realize how much I missed being surrounded by them. This whole weekend made me think about how badly it feels to be so far away from nature when I'm living in the city. I need to make more of an effort.

I left for Crab Tree Falls in a bit of a funk. I have been dealing with a lot of drama lately that has made it hard for me to focus on much else, and the further away I got from home it seemed like the further I got away from that negative energy. Sean and I really needed a weekend away from it, and this trip came at the perfect moment. On a side note, I also deleted my facebook account and created one specifically for keeping in touch with college friends and friends who live out of town. Sometimes I think that facebook makes it easy for people to hide behind their computer screens and say some things that they may not be so inclined to say in person. Needless to say, I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm getting tired of social media networks, and deleting that account meant erasing a forum which takes away from face to face contact.

Crab Tree Falls was a tiny little campsite in the middle of the woods. Our tent was set up next to a small creek and I miss waking up to the sound of water trickling and leaves blowing together in the wind. I miss being that far from civilization. I fantacized a little about moving to the mountains, but then I remembered how badly I would miss interacting with my friends on a daily basis and the thought of driving 30 minutes to the nearest grocery store made me cringe. I'll settle for the suburbs and a fenced in back yard for our pups. At least that's my fantacy for today.

I am so thankful for this weekend because it has allowed me to return to my routine refreshed. Last night Sean and I listened to music and drank wine, and I felt content. I feel like everything will turn out okay in the end, and me worrying about it isn't going to do any good anyway. Most of all, I feel a stronger connection and appreciation for my marriage and the life we are slowly building together.

Here are some pictures of our amazing weekend in the woods --

Nature Pick-Me-Up

Thank goodness this week is a 4 day work week, and a 4 day weekend coming up. I need some time to relax and enjoy time spent with old friends. Lately I've been overwhelmed by some unfortunate arguing amongst some people very close to me, and as of Friday I had to choose sides. And I really hate that.

I escaped to DC on Friday after a doctor's appointment and spent time with my best friend and another good friend from college. It was nice to distance myself from the drama for a while. I pretended it didn't happen and certain words didn't escape from the hearts of people that I love and trusted more than anything. Yesterday I was still feeling very sad about the whole situation, so Sean & I went to Maymont Park to soak in nature and breathe in some fresh air. I needed to run away from everything; I'm not ready to face it just yet. Sometimes words come out wrong and people are misunderstood. It's even worse when words come out and they aren't misunderstood. Words can do some serious damage. For now, I need to sit back and let things unfold. I can't let it cloud my head.

Nature always seems to run at me with open arms when I'm feeling this way. And I am so thankful for the time spent yesterday out in the open. Taking pictures of trees while the sun is on my back. For a moment, life felt pretty perfect.