Vaccinations?

"Just knowing you exist changed the world for me."

Tiffanie DeBartolo (God-Shaped Hole)

This is probably pretty silly. But I've been thinking about what kind of mother I want to be. I figure, why not start now. When I have time to plan ahead and prepare myself for everything that's about to happen. Because I will be responsible for another persons little life, and I will be the only mother that they ever have. Even if it's 3... 4... 5... years down the road, this is something that I've dreamt about my entire life.

So, if you are a mother and you are reading this... please share your memories, dreams, realities. The good and the bad. I feel like I was meant to be a mother. I know that may sound funny, but I am nurturing and loving and am so excited for the day that a child enters my life. It may be really, really hard. Probably not always fun. But definitely worth it.

Lately I have been reading a lot about vaccinations. I want to learn more about this, because I feel that my first decision as a parent will be if my child is vaccinated or not... especially since I now know that the Hepatitis B vaccine is typically given before the baby even leaves the hospital. Before their tiny immune systems have had the time to adjust to life outside of the womb. Not to mention, Hepatitus is usually contracted by exposure to the disease through sex, dirty needles or transferred from the mother during childbirth - not really something that most babies are at risk for. And they will have to be re-vaccinated around age 7. And I don't think I like that. The whole idea of vaccinations seems wonderful on the surface, but the more I read about possible side effects of autism, brain damage, seizures and SIDS... the more I wonder, is this worth it?

I want to have a natural birth. No drugs. And I would prefer a water birth at home. I especially don't want to circumcise my future son. So if I am taking all of these precautions... not drinking or smoking while pregnant, not using an epidural to ease what I am sure will be the most intense pain of my life, choosing to breast feed... why would I consider putting a foreign object into my child's body? I didn't even realize, but vaccines do not make you immune to a disease for life... so while I had chickenpox as a child and can now be exposed as an adult and be fine, some one who has had the vaccine is still at risk for catching this disease in later life, when it is much more dangerous and can often be deadly. Why not have "Chicken Pox Parties" like I had as a child... where they may get a little ill for a few days, but they will be immune for the rest of their lives?

Also, the United States has one of the highest reportings of SIDS in the entire world. And the peak death averages are around 3 months, 6 months and 9 months... coincidentally when babies are given groups of vaccines. Or is it a coincidence? That really freaks me out.

Maybe I am making a big deal out of something that I shouldn't. I am just not sure I am ready to close my eyes and hope that my child isn't perminently damaged from a shot that was meant to protect them. Any parents out there have ideas on this? How did you decide what to do... because I know that if my husband & I decide not to vaccinate... we will have to be armed with reasons why we chose this option for our child.

{i do believe in fairies}

oh, and one more thing...

"This I believe: That the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual.” John Steinbeck

It's actually pretty amusing that I haven't written about this topic before... because it is something that I am very passionate about {and I rarely limit what I think or feel}. Also, I have refrained from writing about this because I don't want to offend anyone, which is equally amusing considered it is a topic I am offended by on nearly a daily basis. But it is still worth talking about it and if you are sensitive to the subject of religion, then you might want to just stop reading now. Because I'm not holding back. At all.

Still interested? Here goes. It is my personal belief that religion has no place whatsoever in the work environment. I'm in social work, and it's funny how because of my career people tend to assume that I am a Christian and that there is no harm in sending emails inviting me to church events, or even phone calls from contracting agencies who want me to join them for church supper or some weekend conference. Kindly, no thank you. No. No. No. I think this is extremely rude and insensitive, yet I have to laugh because there is so much of an emphasis on "cultural differences" within our training for social work - yet the reality is totally opposite when it comes to religion.

For instance, we had a "Holiday" {aka Christmas} party last year. There was a huge debate on whether or not we should have a Christmas Tree... even though there wasn't really the space for it. One of my colleagues went on a rant about how we are taking God out of every aspect of Christmas, and how dare we even consider leaving out a Tree? News flash.... most Americans who celebrate Christmas aren't regulars in the  church pews. It's become a day of celebrating family and loved ones and most of all -- lots of food and lots of laughter. It's a magical day for children, whether they believe in Jesus or not... and who are we to take "Santa" away from them? Ugh. Work meetings shouldn't waste time arguing about a stupid tree.

Lately I have been having nightmares nearly every single night. My mother is a pastor and my father and his family have been attending the same church since he was a little boy. Up until about a year ago, I attended church every Sunday and kept my mouth shut. My questions were turned away and if I disagreed with anything that was said, I was met with judgement. I have left that church, because life is too short to sit in a room and feel offended and bogged down for an entire hour or more. And I have been to many different churches... they all mention the same things.... Do this or you're going to hell. Do that and you'll burn for eternity in the fiery pits of hell. So on and so forth. Blah blah blah, fear tactics don't really impress me.

So back to my nightmares. It is really a shame that my feelings about religion are surfacing while I dream. All of them have the same basic idea: people at my church find out that I am Buddhist and disown me. This is hurtful, because these are people that I have known for my entire life. Deep down I think that if they knew that I didn't buy all of the miraculous stories and flashy miracles... they would look at me differently and probably distance themselves. That hurts. I mean, my grandmother still thinks that I'm going to a Baptist church in the city, because I think she would literally die if she knew I was going to a Buddhist Temple.

Then there are my friends. I love my friends and respect their beliefs, but they are so offended when they hear that I'm still on the fence about whether God exists or not, and are appalled that I don't think it really matters either way. My parents feel that same way, and are still waiting for me to "wake up" and return to my "roots." I don't force people in my life to defend why they believe a certain thing... so why am I always put up against a group of people, defending mine. Not really fair in my opinion.

And who is to say that Christianity is getting back to my roots. What if I was born in China... or India... or South Korea... I mean honestly, luck is what it all comes down to. I am lucky to have been born to a family who loves me, in a country that is safe & to have the freedom to think for myself about the most important decision in my life: where did we all come from and why are we here? It just so happens that this same country is full of people who believe in God. {and a lot of that has to do with how you were raised}. But that doesn't mean that the majority rules and I don't get a say in my own spiritual path, or lack thereof if I so choose.

Recently I was told that I was going to hell because I am Buddhist. I am nothing special, but I love people and have spent my entire life helping others any way that I can. Not to pull the "I donated my kidney" card... but come on, I am not an evil person worthy of eternal damnation! In truth, I don't think anyone really deserves that, because who we are depends on where we've been and what we've seen or haven't seen. This is the same reason that I am 110% against the Death Penalty... but that's a totally different rant.

I am just annoyed, that's all. I feel that Christianity was founded on certain values such as --> not judging others and loving them despite their differences!!! Could be wrong though. That's just what I got out of 20+ years of my church experience. I hope that if you are still reading this, you maybe feel even a tiny bit the same way. You appreciate your freedoms in what spiritual path you choose, even if your path is unsure what to believe or maybe the path you follow has no God in it at all. Don't push your beliefs on others, and instead love them for who they are -- not who you think they should be. You never really know how what you say or do effects some one... so the safest bet is to let your opinions be opinions, for the sake of hurting people you genuinely care about.

And by all means... please please pleassssse keep religion out of the work place!

{Jesus found Here.}

love will always set you free.

This weekend was so. much. fun. I haven't felt so free and alive as I have over these past few days, and it's always a plus when you learn new things about yourself. I lived in my bathing suite. Made new friends. Spent time with old ones. Listened to some amazing and soul inspiring local music. And enjoyed the sunshine and simplicity that the James River is always sure to bring. We also grilled out every meal, and you must admit that all things taste better on the grill.

I haven't felt this way in a long, long time. I think the summer weather tends to bring out a side of me that is hidden in the winter. Do you ever feel that way? It made me think about summer vacation and high school and how I couldn't wait to grow up... yet I never wanted those days to end. Then I started looking through old pictures this morning, and how even though some things have changed so much - they also stay the same.

I love to be free. I am a free spirit floating around in corporate america. And I don't pretend that others always understand me. I don't always understand them. But I was inspired yesterday when my friend was talking about happiness and money and how he just wanted enough to get by and be happy. Finally. Some one who gets it. Some one who is totally free doesn't always think about putting money into the equation. Because money doesn't equal happiness and it certainly doesn't make you free. Freedom always tends to come when surrounded by those you love. Those you can be yourself around without apologizing. The people in your life who make you better. And simple things like losing yourself in nature and forgetting that each moment is passing and we are quickly growing up. Because I like to imagine that I will be young forever. And I think that maybe sometimes that's perfectly ok.

So today... I give you some of my very own oldies but goodies:

“Something about her eyes or voice has always suggested the hint of a free spirit, trapped in a Peck & Peck cage, dreaming of making rude noises at public gatherings of Republicans.”

Jeff Greenfield.

feeling dreamy.

It's Friday! It's Friday! I feel like taking a walk outside today during my lunch break... I just found out that several vendors are parked along the river, and there are spots for people to picnic on their lunch breaks! I may have to try this out.... a co-worker and I were talking about this yesterday. Can you believe how quickly the week passed? I hope the rain holds off... because tonight I am seeing a friends band play and I really, really want to lay out by the river. I just love this hot weather... driving with the windows down and blasting music. Sundresses. Wildflowers. So. Dreamy.

Basically, this is the mood I am in today:

Today I want to just close my eyes and pretend I am in a bed of wildflowers and long, whispy grass. Laying on a blanket. Sipping lemonaide. Reading a book. And ultimatley - taking a nap underneath the sunshine and some big, puffy clouds. Perfection. There is no better way to spend a day than with Mother Nature.

Have a glorious weekend - rain or shine - and don't be afriad to feel a little dreamy. Put on a sundress and dance. I think that's what I will do this weekend.

xo

{photo's found here}

theme of today: love yourself.

The theme today seems to be this: loving yourself. So many beautiful souls have written about this, and it's actually nice to know that we all have the same struggles and insecurities... because we are all going through this together. I have realized that I get a little self-conscious about my dreadlocks, because they're still babies and they don't do what I want when I want. Sometimes I crawl into a corner, because I see someone from across the room with mature dreads and I feel like they're judging me. Yet I still keep them. It's crazy... but I do love them and I know that one day the journey will get easier and I won't think twice about leaving home with them in my face and strung down across my shoulders. I like looking at these pictures of what they could  be.... but also like the suspense in not knowing exactly what they will be. They do seem to have a mind of their own.

This whole journey finally started after obsessing over this hairstyle since high school. I finally had the courage to get them - even though people told me not to. That they would look bad. That they may hurt my career. People even still tell me to brush them out. But I think they are empowering to a point, because no matter what people say, I have to search deep down inside myself and remember why I got them in the first place. Because I don't want to care what people think about me. The only thing I want people to see when they look at me is a kind person with a heart so full of love that at times it feels as though it may burst. I don't want to spend hours straightening my hair, when I could be spending it with people I love.

I have been looking at myself in the mirror lately. Really looking. And it's because I have been inspired by so many of you. When I look at my reflection I see a person, not a monster. Not some one who needs to lose 20 pounds to be pretty or to be happy or confident. I still feel uncomfortable with my body, but at least I am able to see some beauty when I look at myself. I have a long ways to go. I think people are right when they say that we are our biggest critics. Do you really notice my flabby arms, or am I obsessing to the point that I am making a big deal out of nothing. Am I really stressing myself out to the point where I can't enjoy myself, when you don't even notice that I forgot to put on make up this morning? Does it even matter?

So, I am so thankful and extremely lucky to be surrounded by such beautiful women in my life. Such confidence and reassurance and love. After reading some of your blogs today, I feel girly again and ready to pick myself up and continue living. Life is too short to worry about how I look in these jeans anyway. Besides -- I love my free spirit, tan skin, freckles and each of my pretty little {and not so little} tattoos!

What do you love about yourself?

{all images found here}

should've gotten take-out.

So yesterday was an interesting day for me. After visiting a client, I decided to walk around the block and enjoy the sunshine - since I'm usually stuck in the office all day. I stopped for a few minutes and looked at the river... which was literally 2 blocks away... and it took everything in me not to run straight for the water and skip out on work altogether. But, like a good little worker I returned back to my desk and started writing reports. This is the moment I realized: I am growing up.

So I started thinking about how independent I have become and how I will have been married for 2 years come this August. Then, I got the worst idea ever: I will surprise Sean with dinner. Not just any dinner, something from scratch and really really fancy. Keep in mind, the only things I "cook" include PB&J, Grilled Cheese, Spaghetti, Pizza Subs, Mac & Cheese {from the box} and salad. Yes, I count salad. Long story short, anyone who has ever known me knows that I do not and cannot cook. Yet, I was inspired and spent the last hour of work planning the menu. 

Sean usually does the cooking in our house. I like to have my pajamas on by 7:00 pm and while I'm watching reality tv, he cooks up something really good and serves it to me... like, I don't ever get off the couch. This is how spoiled I am. Anyway, over the weekend I wanted to have mac and cheese for dinner and Sean informed me that this was a side dish not a meal... who knew? I then had a very scary thought -- what will I do when we have kids and Sean is out of town? I hardly think pop-tarts and ice cream will do... thus, the dinner plan was born.

I decided to make fried shrimp and couldn't think of a side... so I decided to try egg fried rice and veggies. Originally I wanted salad and garlic bread, but a co-worker informed me that those things didn't really go with fried shrimp. I'm no Denise, but I figured how hard can this really be? The recipes looked simple and only had a few ingredients... and I was so excited that I rushed home and started cooking. Usually I am really sloppy with directions and just throw things together, but I actually took my time and measured everything out perfectly... this dinner took me 2 hours to prepare!

I have only been eating seafood for several weeks, so I was absolutely appalled when I had to peel the shrimp out of their little shells. Nasty. I realized that uncooked, they look a lot like grubs, which reminded me of The Lion King, which in turn almost made me puke. But I peeled them and soaked them in a marinade for 45 minutes while I prepared the rice.I began to realize how messy cooking is and how long it takes... and this is exactly why I don't cook. It gave me a whole new respect for Sean.

Anyway, I will say that the shrimp turned out amazing! The downfall was that I decided to mix them in with the fried rice... which was soggy and altogether disgusting. Here's a picture of the shrimp though, to prove I'm not a total idiot:

Good, right?

So I put it all together in a bowl and I won't even show you what it looked like... it was that bad. Sean didn't even realize there were eggs in it. And I watched him as he poured spice after spice into his bowl, and his face as he took his first mouthful was priceless. I kept watching him force this awful meal into his mouth, then he would look at me and tell me how good it was. Sean, you are too good to me. I told him that I knew it was nasty..... and that it seems like there's only room for one good cook in this family. So he had chips for dinner, and my stomach hurt so bad after finishing my bowl that I had to go to bed early. Awesome.

Anyway... here's the recipe for the shrimp. I should've just left it at that. Better yet... I should've just ordered a pizza.

Summer Love.

Today I stepped outside and realized something: It's getting really hot outside! This time of year is so exciting to me. It brings back so many memories of summer vacation. Spending every day in my bathing suite. Eating sandwiches on the beach. Not brushing my hair {heh, some things never change!}. I love the water and I feel so drawn to it, especially when it's so bright and warm outside. It is so tempting to call in sick and spend the entire day at the river. Doing nothing, except daydreaming and sunbathing. Which is actually something. I love getting really, really hot and then jumping into the cold water. It's such an adrenaline rush! Smelling cookouts in the distance and sipping a cold beer... pretending there isn't anything else I should be doing. But once in a while, this is exactly what I should be doing.

Remember to always enjoy the sunshine. And to take a moment {or a day} to relax. really relax. Forget  about your job. Your reality. The "Real World". If you need to, take a personal day and spend it sleeping in or catching up on a great book. Spend time with nature. Spend it with family. Girlfriends. Boyfriends. Or ... spend the day with the most important person in the entire world: yourself. 

 xoxo

{photo credit}