i love you.

Sometimes I watch you at night while you are sleeping. I think about all that you have been through and all that you are still going through. I think about the way your smile curls when you're making a joke or thinking of something clever. The way your hand seems to find mine while we are sleeping. The way you've invited me into your world, and how we are learning so much about life together.

I wasn't looking for you, and to be honest I wouldn't have picked you out specifically. I've always been one to keep others at a distance and you make that especially hard. Sometimes that's uncomfortable, but other times it's refreshing. You have changed my whole mentality in a way that is equally frightening as it is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. For once, I am a part of a team - I no longer want to do it all on my own because sharing everything with you is so much more fulfilling. There isn't anything we can't accomplish together.

The thing that I love most about you is how you challenge me. You make me a better person because you expect a lot out of me, you really do. You push me to share my deepest secrets and to talk about feelings that I've kept bottled inside of me for almost forever. When I'm with you, I think about things differently and from all angles. We are so opposite, but it works. You balance me and make me complete. You fill the hole that has been left from all that my past has taken from me. You fill it up to the tippy-top and sometimes I'm so fulfilled that I can hardly breathe.

I have never felt as beautiful as I do now. You see things in me that I've attempted to hide from the world, and you pull them out of me and water them and feed them until they grow into something so wild and so free that they can no longer keep quiet. Sometimes when I'm sleeping, I can hear you whispering how much you love me. Those are my favorite moments, because in those moments there is so much love between us that it's electric. It's in those moments that I feel apart of something bigger; that I don't feel so alone.

It's not all easy, either. When we fight, I can literally feel my heart ripping open. But with each and every tear, my soul is making room for growth. It's in these moments that I continue to learn and to become the person who I am always striving to be. I am so proud of these moments, because we fight fair and we argue out of an undeniable connection to one another. These are the moments where my love for you is over-powering to the point where I realize how much there is to lose, and I remind myself to appreciate each and every second that we have together.

So for all of this, no matter what happens, I thank you. Thank you for giving me hope in the Universe. For teaching me to trust and to let others help me when I need it. For always being there when I need you the most. And simply for being who you are.

Because you are everything I've ever dreamed of, all wrapped into one human being. And until recently, I didn't think a love like ours was possible.

Dear Casey,

“Most people don't know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life. ”

― Brian Andreas

 

Dear Casey,

 

I wanted to write to you and tell you how much I miss you already. How the world seems a little bit darker since you left, and how things will never be exactly the same as they were before.

 

I still haven't cried. Yes, there have been times when I have been at my desk or alone in my bed and one or two tears have crept out... but mostly I've been holding them in because I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop them once they are released and then my bedroom and then my house and then the whole universe will flood over. I'm afraid that I won't be able to catch my breath, but also that you will see all of this and question what it is that I'm crying for when there is so much to laugh about.

 

It sort of feels like I am in a terrible dream, and I keep pinching my cheeks and forcing my eyes open and trying to wake up... but I can't. I hear your laughter in all of the quiet spaces of my life and deep, deep down in my soul I can still hear your voice and see your smile. I go to that place at least ten times a day, because it is physically painful thinking that there will be no new memories, that you have completed your time here and given all that you can.

 

You lived your life for the moment, and at times this was hard to accept. It was hard, because our world does not typically live and breathe every second of every day. While the rest of us were worrying about deadlines and stressing and forgetting and wishing time would go faster, you were living. You were laughing. You have taught us so much about the important things in life and how healing a smile can be and how much simpler our problems seem when we choose to be happy no matter what.

 

I know that your physical body may be gone, but your spirit is still here among all of us and that you are there every moment shaking your head and trying to get us to understand that life is too short to be so sad. You are trying to help us remember what you have taught us: to have fun and laugh and smile and most of all to do whatever is necessary to avoid missing out on life.

 

So every morning since you left I have taken a moment to breathe in deeply and I stretch my arms to the sky and picture your smile. I remember that we are not guarenteed our next breath. I remember that we only have one shot at life, and that there is no better time than now to start living it. I remember you and all that you have meant to me and every single soul that you have touched.

 

Thank you for teaching me so much about life and so much about how we complicate every little thing and how it doesn't have to be that way. Thank you for reminding me what is important and what isn't. What I should hold onto and what I should let go of. Thank you most of all for always being true to yourself and for showing me that it is possible.

 

I love you and am so unbelievably proud to have known you. I carry your heart in my heart.

 

Kara



mama

Mama,

When I think about my childhood, there are no memories of hours wasted in front of the television. Instead, I remember all of the art projects that you introduced me to, the millions of books that we read together, and the impact that your faith in my imagination still has on me today.

You gave me the freedom to run in my bare feet after butterflies, you checked my pockets for frogs before letting me inside our home, and you sat on my bed every single night and told me how much you loved me as I closed my eyes.

I remember being shaken at night from terrible dreams that felt so real that when I cried out for you, the fear had stolen my voice and so I jumped from my bed and sprinted down the hall. I cuddled in between you and Dad. Safety. You never told me to go back to bed; you always held me there until morning.

You weren't always fun. And I wasn't always easy. I remember plenty of times that my mouth was washed out with soap with the mutter of unkind words, butt cheeks were smacked for stealing cookies, and hours were spent in my room after wandering too far and not returning home even when I heard your voice calling my name.

But still, you have always been my safety net. I remember one night when I was little, and you were giving me a bath and left the room to answer the phone. You weren't gone for no longer than a minute, but that entire minute was absolutely terrifying. I sat and waited for you. When you returned, my anxiety subsided and nothing felt better than you wrapping me up in a warm cotton bath towel.

In high school, we had the typical mother-daughter relationship. Some days I really thought that I hated you. Looking back, that's how I know you were doing everything right. You taught me to balance out work and play, reminded me that boyfriends should not monopolize my time, and didn't get me a cell phone just because everyone else had one. I hope that one day I have a teenage daughter and I do things just like you did. You let me figure things out on my own, but always offered wisdom when I came asking for it.

You have always put your own feelings aside when I needed you the most. I remember calling you freshman year of college and telling you that I had broken up with my high school sweetheart. Through tears you managed to pick me back up and remind me that somewhere out there, some one was being readied for me. You reminded me that relationships take hard work, but that I should never settle. You even supported me when we got back together, got married, and believe me when I tell you that you were my backbone when we divorced. You still tell me that some one is out there for me, and that no matter what I should never give up on love.

I remember calling you in college one night and telling you the biggest and hardest secret that I have ever shared. Even when the campus police told me that it might be better to hide it from you, I still called you and told you that I had been raped and really all I needed was my mama. You were in the car five minutes later and drove over two hours to hug me and kiss my tears and tuck me in. Your ability to comfort me, no matter what the situation, still blows me away.

It seems that everything in my life is continually changing. With every break up, hard day, or illness you are the first one that I call. When I have good news, I can't wait to talk to you because I know that you will feel my joy and nothing makes me happier than making you smile. You really are my best friend, and I wouldn't be as strong of a woman without having an even stronger woman as my role model for life.

And I wish that I could find the words to tell you how exceptional you really are. You were born to be a mother, and I know this because you not only continue to mother my brother and me, but you mother entire communities. People call you when they need comfort, safety, some one to cry to, and some one to laugh with. I am so lucky that you are mine, and this world is so much better with you in it.

The pride that I feel for you is overwhelming, and I am thankful that you have given me such big shoes to fill. I am thankful that you set such an example. That even if I only accomplish half of what you have accomlished, I will be extremely blessed.

This time next week you will officially be Rev. Dr. S. Karen Workman -- and I just wanted you to know that out of all the mothers in the world, I'm glad the Universe found me fit enough to be your daughter.

With more pride and happiness that I thought my heart could possibly contain,

Kara