i love you.

Sometimes I watch you at night while you are sleeping. I think about all that you have been through and all that you are still going through. I think about the way your smile curls when you're making a joke or thinking of something clever. The way your hand seems to find mine while we are sleeping. The way you've invited me into your world, and how we are learning so much about life together.

I wasn't looking for you, and to be honest I wouldn't have picked you out specifically. I've always been one to keep others at a distance and you make that especially hard. Sometimes that's uncomfortable, but other times it's refreshing. You have changed my whole mentality in a way that is equally frightening as it is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. For once, I am a part of a team - I no longer want to do it all on my own because sharing everything with you is so much more fulfilling. There isn't anything we can't accomplish together.

The thing that I love most about you is how you challenge me. You make me a better person because you expect a lot out of me, you really do. You push me to share my deepest secrets and to talk about feelings that I've kept bottled inside of me for almost forever. When I'm with you, I think about things differently and from all angles. We are so opposite, but it works. You balance me and make me complete. You fill the hole that has been left from all that my past has taken from me. You fill it up to the tippy-top and sometimes I'm so fulfilled that I can hardly breathe.

I have never felt as beautiful as I do now. You see things in me that I've attempted to hide from the world, and you pull them out of me and water them and feed them until they grow into something so wild and so free that they can no longer keep quiet. Sometimes when I'm sleeping, I can hear you whispering how much you love me. Those are my favorite moments, because in those moments there is so much love between us that it's electric. It's in those moments that I feel apart of something bigger; that I don't feel so alone.

It's not all easy, either. When we fight, I can literally feel my heart ripping open. But with each and every tear, my soul is making room for growth. It's in these moments that I continue to learn and to become the person who I am always striving to be. I am so proud of these moments, because we fight fair and we argue out of an undeniable connection to one another. These are the moments where my love for you is over-powering to the point where I realize how much there is to lose, and I remind myself to appreciate each and every second that we have together.

So for all of this, no matter what happens, I thank you. Thank you for giving me hope in the Universe. For teaching me to trust and to let others help me when I need it. For always being there when I need you the most. And simply for being who you are.

Because you are everything I've ever dreamed of, all wrapped into one human being. And until recently, I didn't think a love like ours was possible.

you can't always do it alone.

I have always relied on myself. I purposfully take control of anything I can around me, and in a very real way this has been a safety net throughout my life. It's a learned behavior. A dirty habit that is hard to break. I have a hard time trusting others and letting myself lean on them, because there's always the very real possibility that they can (and sometimes do) let you down.

But sometimes taking a risk is important for growth. And I need to learn to let others help when I need it. This is the lesson I am currently learning and re-learning.

I talked to my mom about this for a long time last week, and yesterday she posted the above video on my facebook page (thanks, mama ;). Life is hard. Sometimes you fall and you hurt and you are let down and everything seems to go wrong -- but there is always a chance to get back up and continue moving forward. Sometimes you can do that on your own, but more times than not you need the people around you to help get you through those times.

What I am learning, is that true strength is letting yourself lean on others when you need to. And that being vulnerable does not have to mean that you are weak. In fact, letting yourself recieve help from those who love you is an admirable quality - it's not always an easy thing to do, but knowing your limits and trusting those in your life is a little gift that the universe offers when our weight sometimes gets too heavy to carry.

Romantic Robots.

I think that from birth, little girls are spoon fed details and given directions to this perfect romance, this prince charming, that we always seem to look and hope for. Tucked deep away in our story books seem to be instructions on how it is that we should act in order to find this 'prince charming'... our knight in shining armour who will sweep us off our feet and take care of us forever. I can't speak for little boys and how this effects them, all this talk about how they need to fight to the death for their flawless (and helpless) princess. But I'd imagine maybe it's similar. Maybe they feel the pressures of society as well?

But what about those of us who don't quite fit the description in the first place? Those of us who ran barefoot in the forest pounding our chests, pretending to be animals or other strange, un-pretty beings. Building forts and rescuing, rather than waiting to be rescued? What about the little girls who are not looking for some one to take them to a far away castle.... the little girls who are looking for a fellow adventurer and a log cabin on top of a very large mountain. The ones who never brush their hair, who cover their bodies in tattoos, who have dirt under their fingernails? The ones who are looking for their equal? Those whose 'happily ever after' doesn't involve sipping tea and pretty dresses and servants and never misbehaving or raising ones voice or speaking the truth? Some of us even grow into women who prefer things a bit messy. A bit rough around the edges.

I used to think that you could learn to love anyone. That if you tried hard enough, you would fall in love and you would create this fantasy that Disney has been brainwashing children with for centuries. That if you spoke up a little less, gave a little more, always looked your best - your very own prince charming would fall deeply in love with you and the rest of the outside world would fade away. It would just be the both of you, locked away in your perfect castle, never arguing or crying or sitting in silence hating each other. But that's more of a fairytale than anything. You can't force love. It's not something you can study and dissect and experiment with until you finally wind up with some one who you are unbearably attracted to. Sometimes two people plain and simply aren't right for one another, no matter how much work you put into changing and often losing yourselves entirely.

The excitement is exploring those around you, finding out what you can live with and what you can live without. Not settling. Not changing. Not brushing your hair or putting make up on for any other reason than just feeling like it. Not pretending to be a victim when you're strong. Not wearing shoes because you like the way the grass and dirt feel when they touch your feet. And noticing those around you who enjoy the same things. That person, your prince, might just have dreadlocks, probably won't have a 6 pac, and most definintly won't ride around on a white horse looking like an asshole.

If I'm being honest, which I often find it hard not to be, I want some one who challenges me. Who isn't afraid to talk dirty. Who has a messy past but is somehow optomistic in how beautiful life is. Who knows my flaws and my weaknesses and all of the ugly parts of me. I want some one who could never leave me. Someone I feel so happy and comfortable and complete with, that I never have to wonder if I'm missing out on life  because with them I feel alive. I don't want to feel like a robot.

Someone who would write something like this, perhaps:

not the exact credit, but close enough?

life without cable & internet.

After this week, I will have been separated for an entire month. That feels weird to say. I think the oddest thing about the divorce process, and also the most liberating, is no longer having to answer to anyone else except for your own inner voice. That's not to say that I haven't gotten incredibly lonely - this is the first time that I've lived by myself and sometimes it's strange going to sleep without telling some one else goodnight. I can feel myself growing and changing by the second, and I feel as if my life looks different each time I blink.

It's been a process, but my boss has been amazing and let me take two weeks off to figure things out and start my new life. The first thing I did was clean my loft (my loft!) and make some girly purchases, such as a new purple bathroom. It felt good, theraputic even, to clean and clean and clean for three whole days. I was able to cry, to laugh, mostly... to trust myself. I'll be ok, this isn't the end of my life but the start of a new beginning.

I've been cutting corners so that I can afford to stay in my loft without moving -- it's expensive, but this way when my lease runs up in August I can move anywhere I want. I think I will probably leave Virginia for the first time in my entire life, and it feels like an adventure. I cut off cable and internet... and I feel more in touch with myself and reality than I expected. My days these past few weeks have involved waking up early, eating breakfast with my puppy, spending hours at the river, reading (I'm on book #4!), talking on the phone with old friends, cooking, wine drinking, and best of all: nightly three hour bubble baths.

It feels like I'm getting to know myself for the first time -- like I'm dating myself, treating myself good for once. Life is going to be okay for me. Maybe even more than okay... the sky's the limit!

alone, but not alone.

This song has been on repeat all weekend. I think there is so much power and healing that comes with finding music that you connect with. I am in the beginning stages of divorce -- my husband moved out this weekend, who I've been married for 3 years with and together for 10. We tried everything, but sometimes people just grow apart and no matter how hard you try to fix it.... it's not fixable.

I am heartbroken, but I know that this is the correct path and that I made the right decision. I also know that I learned so much from my relationship with my husband, and that I have grown in ways that I might not have otherwise. For that, I am thankful. I'm also thankful for my amazing support system, without my friends and family I don't know where I would be with all of these emotions.

As I've said so many times before, the Universe takes care of us. We are the Universe, all connected and able to provide comfort to some one without even being aware. It's amazing. This weekend I was able to meet THE Carley Simon's brother, Peter, as he had an exhibit set up in a friend's gallery. We got breakfast together and talked a little about Richmond and all that he's seen and done throughout his life, and then I spent about an hour looking deep into each and every one of his photographs.

There were pictures of Martin Luther King, Bob Dylan, The Beatles.... and also pictures of people in ghettos, family portraits from his time spent on a commune, and pictures of him and Carley (and their other siblings) growing up as kids. I took it all in, and before I knew it I was overcome with emotion and tears began running down my face. I stood there, letting myself feel this emotion, and at that moment I knew that everything was going to be ok for me.

As I was about to leave, I pulled Peter aside and shared my emotional reaction to his absolutely breathtaking work. I told him that his photographs gave me hope, strength, and empowerment. They made me realize that there is so much out there that I haven't seen or experienced. So much beauty that I've missed out on. And also, so much community that I desperately needed. He gave me such a heartfelt embrace, and we talked about this emotion for another hour before I finally pulled myself away for some much needed river therapy.

I sat on a blanket by the river, with an emotional mix of music and just spent time loving myself. I did not beat myself up, but rather embraced my life and let go of the negativity that I had been feeling towards my marriage. The fear of judgement, being alone, financial stressors. There's a long road ahead, but this was an important part of my healing process. There will be good days, hard days, and days when I feel absolutley nothing. But the important thing is that I have the choice to love myself through all of this, and come out on the other end with a few scars, but so much stronger.