Friday, March 19, 2010

Be true to y.o.u.

The modern picture of the artist began to form: The poor, but free spirit, plebeian but aspiring only to be classless, to cut himself forever free from the bonds of the greedy bourgeoisie, to be whatever the fat burghers feared most, to cross the line wherever they drew it, to look at the world in a way they couldn't see, to be high, live low, stay young forever -- in short, to be the bohemian. {Thomas Wolfe}

I feel like I need to be true to myself. Some people criticize me for being too "extreme" and I'm not a stranger to people looking at how I live my life with often friendly, but curious minds.Some days I feel like I am constantly defending myself and my creativity, and yesterday was one of those days. This is not devoted to any particular being in my life, just some venting that I have kept in for some time. Some feelings that need to come to surface, for my own sanity.

I choose to live my life for the moment, and that is something that I don't think many people that know me would argue. I am somewhat of an adrenaline junkie and I get bored easily. Some people admire this, and others think I am a little too much. But I think that because I wear my heart on my sleeve, people tend to see that I love people and have an incredible faith in humanity. I have a good heart, and that is what matters most to me.

Sometimes I think about something and I don't tell others because I am afraid of their reaction. This week I realized that my life is about to change dramatically. I am giving my kidney to my god-brother next month... and there are a lot of complex emotions that have come to surface through this journey. What I have felt the most, is that life is precious and nobody should try and stop another person from being unique. I have felt happiness and love and compassion so strongly that I feel my heart could explode at any moment. In short, I have been on a constant high and feel that this journey will only lead to more journies. This is life.

So I have realized that the way I look and act is a reflection of myself, and that while I value others opinions... they do not get the final say. It is my body. It is my mind. Things that I am talking about are my decision to make the change from being a vegetarian to a vegan, the choice to leave my home church and explore my spirituality in other ways different than I was brought up, the fact that I love the ability to express myself through tattoos and body art, and the reality that I have wanted to dread my hair for a long, long time and have allowed others to keep me from that.

I want the freedom to choose without fear of judgement. Afterall, I try my hardest not to judge others and those I respect most are people that break away from the norm and take time to explore themselves. I don't think that people understand why this is important to me at this time in my life. High school & college were difficult, because I was always trying to fit in and no matter what - I always felt like an outsider looking in. I am so tired of worrying about how I look and speding hundreds of dollars on hair dye and products, and I want to explore my femininity without hiding behind my hair. It's just hair for christ sake, why is this what so many women define their beauty by?

I need to teach myself to be a little stronger in these situations. I cannot let others determine the way that I should look, feel, eat or act. I hate feeling like I am being controlled. I love myself and therefore, I must reach as high as I can and do whatever feels right for myself and humanity.

It's time to let my spirit out of it's cage. Either you are with me or against me.


4 comments:

  1. words can't express how much i love this post. i can relate to it a lot. being yourself, your full self is really scary. but you're given this life, to do just that. people will always judge you no matter if you have what society deems "normal" hair or "stylish" clothing. it's locked in human nature. you're an inspiration to me because you are who you are and not afraid of that. if you want to dread your hair, do it. you will still be one of my most beautiful friends!

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  2. My motto is that life is too short to be unhappy. And whatever little thing makes you happy...whether it be dreading your hair, being a vegan, exploring other spiritual options, donating a kidney (ok maybe that last one isn't little)...then that is what you should do. this is YOUR life and it is about what bring YOU joy and happiness and freedom. I find those same struggles are well and i had to vent in my blog yesterday because i felt like i was going to explode when my mom told me to "stop being silly and start eating normal" in reference to me being a Vegan. My choices are my own for my own reason. So are yours. So is the homeless guy we pass on the street. As long as you aren't harming anyone take your own path!

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  3. Wow, I have just found this post you made back in March and it touched a part of me. Next month I am recieving part of my dad's liver and one of my mum's kidneys. I have not wanted to put them in any such danger but realised that in life you have to let people do what they feel best; if I was in their position I would do the same. I love them so much. I hope the transplant went well for you and your god-brother.

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speak your mind! always!

 
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