Tuesday, February 28, 2012

you can't always do it alone.

I have always relied on myself. I purposfully take control of anything I can around me, and in a very real way this has been a safety net throughout my life. It's a learned behavior. A dirty habit that is hard to break. I have a hard time trusting others and letting myself lean on them, because there's always the very real possibility that they can (and sometimes do) let you down.

But sometimes taking a risk is important for growth. And I need to learn to let others help when I need it. This is the lesson I am currently learning and re-learning.

I talked to my mom about this for a long time last week, and yesterday she posted the above video on my facebook page (thanks, mama ;). Life is hard. Sometimes you fall and you hurt and you are let down and everything seems to go wrong -- but there is always a chance to get back up and continue moving forward. Sometimes you can do that on your own, but more times than not you need the people around you to help get you through those times.

What I am learning, is that true strength is letting yourself lean on others when you need to. And that being vulnerable does not have to mean that you are weak. In fact, letting yourself recieve help from those who love you is an admirable quality - it's not always an easy thing to do, but knowing your limits and trusting those in your life is a little gift that the universe offers when our weight sometimes gets too heavy to carry.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


Lately, life has been pretty good. Really good actually. I've felt loved and worthy and happy and fulfilled and inspired and needed and not so much like my life has been all uphill, which it's felt like for nearly a year. I feel like I can pause, enjoy, and take a breath.

I've been spending my days with positive people, writing in my journal, watching movies, playing with my puppies, taking bubble baths, allowing myself to cry when needed (because who doesn't love a good cry?) and simply enjoying life.

I've taken a step back from the internet. Because lately, I've needed to put more energy into the relationships I've built in my everyday life and those relationships have taken a front seat to social media -- and that's okay.

So much in my life is changing, and quickly. It can be overwhelming and scary and stressful, but most of the time... it's honestly refreshing and leaves a big smile on my face at the end of each day.

Monday, February 13, 2012

dream a little bigger, darling.

I've met some one. Some one whom I respect, am proud of, and who I find absolutly inspiring. The best part, is this person encourages me to dream a little bigger, laugh a little harder, and fear the unknown a little less.

My path is moving me in a certain direction, and I am following blindly. I'm looking for adventure, and the Universe has opened her arms and pulled me into exactly that. An adventure.

Friday, February 10, 2012

lessons learned

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

-Steve Jobs

No matter how hard I try to continue looking forward and really live life moment to moment, our past is what makes us who we are and you cannot deny that the past and present are always connected by each passing moment. 

I have learned so much about myself in these past few months, and every day I am thankful as I continue to learn and to grow. When my ex-husband left in November, I read so many books and articles about how when going through divorce, you must first be able to acknowledge your qualities that need improving before you are able to get into a relationship with some one else. Otherwise, history is destined to repeat itself.

For so long, I honestly thought I had nothing to improve upon. Selfishly, I believed that I had done everything right and that the reason our marriage failed was entirely due to Sean... which is so silly, because I know I am not perfect, and we as individuals always have things that we can improve upon.

This didn't become clear in my mind until I started dating again. I met some one that I let manipulate me and who I settled for, because I was afraid to be alone and therefore I was afraid to stand up for myself. Then I met some one else, and even though we didn't have anything in common I kept seeing him because I wanted to feel loved. I paid for everything. I didn't speak my mind because I wanted to avoid arguments at all costs. I felt myself loosing touch with that same strong woman who made the difficult decision to end my marriage for the sake of saving myself.

Then I finally realized that I was repeating the cycle of my old relationships. Settling for less than I deserve. Not always speaking up, but rather staying quiet so that an argument didn't erupt. Spending time with people whom I did not admire in any way, and who were not as goal oriented or inspired about life as I am. Allowing myself to be a doormat.

A lot of my friends have made comments about how I do not need to be dating anyone at this point in my life. But to those who hold this belief, I would like to remind them that for the majority of my marriage - I was alone. I ate alone. I slept alone. I was extremely depressed and it took me deciding that I loved myself too much to continue to settle before I was able to end that relationship. That takes a hell of a lot of courage. And the lessons that I have learned and continue to learn from that relationship are worth everything in my past that has brought me to where I am now.

And so this is what I have been working on. Meeting some one who compliments me, because I am already complete with or without a man in my life. Speaking my mind and sharing my thoughts about life, even though most of the people in my life share different views. Cherishing those differences. Believing in myself enough to not shy away from a person because I feel that I am not good enough or worthy enough. Because in all honestly, the big lesson that I have learned is that I am worth it, and that I do have a lot of offer a relationship. That I am independent and romantic and feel things deeply and above all I am a dreamer - and that the right guy will love these things about me and encourage me to take adventures and risks and think outside of the box and be proud with me when I succeed. Because I am incredibly strong and determined and full of love, and I will undoubtedly succeed at whatever and wherever my heart leads me to follow.

I want some one who is able to succeed on their own as well; some one to celebrate with when we do something especially great. When we accomplish a goal or make new ones. When we follow our dreams. Some one to share each moment with and using those moments to grow and inspire and truly cherish life and everything beautiful and not so beautiful about it.

For so long, I was content with being alone. It was in all honesty a safety net that I built around my heart - I could depend on myself and do my own thing, and if I was let down it was only due to something I myself had done. But letting myself trust others, and letting myself love in general... this has been my ultimate reward.

And as my past begins to unravel and I begin to see how each experience has formed and molded and created the woman I am today, I am no longer angry at those who have hurt me but rather greatful to the lessons those experiences have provided. I am pushing the hatred and anger out of my life little by little, and in turn this leaves me with more room to trust and to love and it is teaching me so much about freedom.

So I am proud of the path I have followed up to this point, because it has led me here - it has led me to a place where I can love myself and be happy without guilt. And I am excited to see where this path will lead me, all the while appreciating where I have been and where I am now in this exact moment of space and time.

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Romantic Robots.

I think that from birth, little girls are spoon fed details and given directions to this perfect romance, this prince charming, that we always seem to look and hope for. Tucked deep away in our story books seem to be instructions on how it is that we should act in order to find this 'prince charming'... our knight in shining armour who will sweep us off our feet and take care of us forever. I can't speak for little boys and how this effects them, all this talk about how they need to fight to the death for their flawless (and helpless) princess. But I'd imagine maybe it's similar. Maybe they feel the pressures of society as well?

But what about those of us who don't quite fit the description in the first place? Those of us who ran barefoot in the forest pounding our chests, pretending to be animals or other strange, un-pretty beings. Building forts and rescuing, rather than waiting to be rescued? What about the little girls who are not looking for some one to take them to a far away castle.... the little girls who are looking for a fellow adventurer and a log cabin on top of a very large mountain. The ones who never brush their hair, who cover their bodies in tattoos, who have dirt under their fingernails? The ones who are looking for their equal? Those whose 'happily ever after' doesn't involve sipping tea and pretty dresses and servants and never misbehaving or raising ones voice or speaking the truth? Some of us even grow into women who prefer things a bit messy. A bit rough around the edges.

I used to think that you could learn to love anyone. That if you tried hard enough, you would fall in love and you would create this fantasy that Disney has been brainwashing children with for centuries. That if you spoke up a little less, gave a little more, always looked your best - your very own prince charming would fall deeply in love with you and the rest of the outside world would fade away. It would just be the both of you, locked away in your perfect castle, never arguing or crying or sitting in silence hating each other. But that's more of a fairytale than anything. You can't force love. It's not something you can study and dissect and experiment with until you finally wind up with some one who you are unbearably attracted to. Sometimes two people plain and simply aren't right for one another, no matter how much work you put into changing and often losing yourselves entirely.

The excitement is exploring those around you, finding out what you can live with and what you can live without. Not settling. Not changing. Not brushing your hair or putting make up on for any other reason than just feeling like it. Not pretending to be a victim when you're strong. Not wearing shoes because you like the way the grass and dirt feel when they touch your feet. And noticing those around you who enjoy the same things. That person, your prince, might just have dreadlocks, probably won't have a 6 pac, and most definintly won't ride around on a white horse looking like an asshole.

If I'm being honest, which I often find it hard not to be, I want some one who challenges me. Who isn't afraid to talk dirty. Who has a messy past but is somehow optomistic in how beautiful life is. Who knows my flaws and my weaknesses and all of the ugly parts of me. I want some one who could never leave me. Someone I feel so happy and comfortable and complete with, that I never have to wonder if I'm missing out on life  because with them I feel alive. I don't want to feel like a robot.

Someone who would write something like this, perhaps:

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