Friday, December 03, 2010


This entire week has been really hectic at work. I had a meeting with my boss the other day, and for the life of me... I could not keep an interested face or even force a smile. She was talking and talking and talking about paper work that needs to be done and filed away, and I was completely overwhelmed. I kept thinking to myself, did I make a mistake choosing social work as my career path? Am I really cut out for a position that requires this much mindless paperwork? Seriously, every phone call, home visit, conversation has to be documented. I'm not great with tiny details like that. Mostly because I don't really care about tiny details like that.

So yesterday I was a slave in the office. I sat with legs crossed on the floor surrounded by at least 20 files and paper thrown everywhere. I took one half hour break, for a quick jog in the gym, and then I was back at it again. Every time I stopped to think about it, I was literally nauseous. It was stressful, especially because it was so mind numbingly boring and the deadline was so short -- 2 days short. I kept fearing that this would be my life. That I would become some sort of deuche bag in a suit. I quickly made a promise to myself to not become a deuche bag in a suit, mostly because I don't even own a suit [and I'd rather spend my money on tattoos and going out to eat and spoiling my husband].

I was working and working and working and not really thinking much, when all of the sudden I started thinking about what my life would be like if it didn't require a 9 to 5. I said to myself: Oh no, focus. Don't even go there right now. But the thoughts just kept coming, and it seemed so easy to just walk out the door and never look back. I actually made a mental list of what I would take and what I would leave behind.... I couldn't think of anything I really wanted to bring other than my dogs and Sean.

I thought about how badly I want to go to the West Coast, and how I didn't really have a good reason for not going, at least to visit. Other than fear of the unknown. I have vacation time. I am healthy. I haven't got any kids. Good enough for me.

I want to go camping on the beach. And the only thing harder than convincing my husband to go camping, would be convincing him to get on a plane and fly across the country to sleep in a tent. But I want to sit along the beach and look up at where the mountains meet the sea. I want to go a whole week where the only sort of bathing I do is a cleansing dive right into the ocean. At night, I want to sit beside a fire and look up at the stars. I want to notice how many of them are missing when I look up at them from the City.

I want to pretend that I live this way on a regular basis.

The more I sit in this office, the more I am realizing that I am not pursuaded to give up my soul for ''practical'' reasons such as consistancy and normality. A soul that longs to not only be surrounded by nature, but connected to it.

So, whose going with me to California?


  1. i had this same sort of realization a few months ago.
    and i quit my job.
    rash? probably.
    feel good? definitely.
    i can't survive 9 to 5.
    also, california is my favorite place on EARTH.

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  3. I know how you feel I have been there. Couldn't you ask to go down to 4 days a week? The you could spend one extra day chasing your dreams :)


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