mitchell.

As many of you know, I donated my kidney to my god-brother last April. It's been a long, difficult, frustrating and altogether emotional rollercoaster since then. And these are just my emotions, I cannot even imagine what thoughts are going through Mitchell's mind or what pain is running through his body. It's been a very long year, and I can honestly say that it has changed my life. As much as my kidney has done for his body, he has done ten times over for my outlook on life and my faith in humanity. I will forever be greatful to Mitchell for that.

I always feel selfish when I get bad news about Mitchell, because I don't feel like I have the right to get angry or upset. And I realize how strange that much sound, but I honestly struggle with my emotions and what is and isn't the ''right feeling.'' Nevermind that there isn't a right or wrong way to feel, it's just that I feel like this area of my life is like walking through a dark room. And listening to a mother, my god-mother, holding back tears on the other end of the line, and breathing deeply trying to collect any ounce of strength that may be left just to hide the pain in her voice -------- how am I supposed to respond to that? I try to stay strong, but I fear that it comes off as cold and un-attached. And then when I actually listen to what she says, I have to pull the phone away and close my eyes shut as hard as I can and force the tears back. Because once they come, I can't make them stop.

All of this feels incredibly selfish to me, because even though my connection with Mitchell is one of the deepest I've ever felt... I am not in any pain. I can still go on vacations when I feel like it. I had my childhood and was able to enjoy it. I got to play sports when I was younger. The more I think about it, the madder I get until I am so consumed with frustration that there is nothing more I can do but cry. Sometimes I feel like I don't have the ''right'' to cry. That I need to be strong and positive and comforting to Mitchell and my god-mother. Sometimes I feel incredibly sorry for myself, because I feel like I let them down somehow. Saying that outloud doesn't really make sense, but I feel it.

Sometimes I think about the day that I decided that I would give my kidney to Mitchell. My god-mother says that I even spoke up the first time he needed help, but I remember two years ago. I was at one of those outdoor concerts in the summer and with a group of my friends, when I saw my god-sister. We talked for a little while and I asked about Mitchell, and she said he needed a kidney transplant. I can't really explain it, but I got this rush and I instantly knew that I wanted to do it -- I called my parents right there and told them I was going to do it, and I called my god-mother and told her that I was 110% ready and asked who I needed to contact to start testing. It's a long process, and not only do you have to have compatable blood (I'm 0-)... but you have to do cross-matches and all kinds of tests to make sure that your antogens ''get along'' and other things that I don't really understand.

Throughout the process, my parents and Sean's parent's had a really hard time. And honestly, so did my god-mother. Every day I was questioned about if it was something I really wanted to do. I had a million chances to back out, but it never once crossed my mind. Sometimes I think about what I know now, and I still feel that this is what I was meant to do. I have never once regretted my decision. If I could go back in time and do it all over again, I would.

Yesterday Mitchell had a doctor's visit and we were all trying to stay positive and hoping for good news. And as usual, it seems as though he can't catch a break. Something is now going on with Mitchell's blood and he needs a blood transfusion. They are also looking for another kidney donor. I don't really understand all of the details, and I don't ask as many questions as I should because it's overwhelming. But I am just asking that you think of Mitchell today and his family. All of us are really struggling right now.