I have been a little quiet in this space, mostly because I was on vacation last week and I have been spending more time with important people in my life and less time on the computer. Sometimes it's important to disconnect for a while.
I am an over-thinker. I judge myself so harshly that sometimes it's necessary to take a step back, breathe, and remember to love who I am and what my life has become. Next month I will be 26 years old, and if you were to tell me when I was younger what I would be doing at this moment... I'm not sure I would be happy about it. Then again, what I knew then and what I know now about the world and how it works cannot be compared.
I have always had a plan for my life, and for so long I tried to force that plan to the point where my happiness and well being took a back seat. At this time in my life, I figured that I would be married and that I would have children and I never for a second thought that the real world could be so harsh and money could be such a burden. I never thought that I could fall so hard and that my heavy body would be such a struggle to pick back up. I could never have imagined all that I would learn and all that I continue to learn.
But when I think about what I have accomplished and how I am being molded and formed into a person who does not fit into the old plan that I had for myself, I am slowly learning to appreciate the Universe and where I fit in and where my soul is taking me. I am slowly learning that it's okay to fall down, because as hard as it's been to pull myself back up - it's possible and it's worth it. I have learned that life is a lesson, and the hardest tests often result in the greatest rewards.
The lessons that I have been taught have transformed my way of thinking. I have been hurt, been set aside, been left. But I have also hurt others, pushed them aside, left them. The reality that I have had any part in making some one feel less about themselves has made me realize that we are all just human and we all make mistakes. We hurt each other and speak harshly and sometimes we let hate and fear take over for a while. But these moments are important, because they remind me that we are all connected and we all have the ability to love and to hate - and life is so much happier when you choose to love.
The Universe does not owe me anything more than I have already been given. Life is not fair. Rather than focusing on how broken I have felt at times, I am trying to keep my mind set on the lessons that these struggles have taught me and trying to remember those ugly feelings before I try to push them on others. I have learned so much about standing on my own two feet and even more about leaning on community when necessary.
I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. And more importantly, I like the person that I have become and I am thankful that I do not fit into the box that I placed myself into before. I appreciate everything in my life, good and bad, because my experiences have led me to this very moment - and in this moment, I am happy.