“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it"

The thing about change is that it takes a very long time. I thought that I had made so many positive changes throughout last year, and trust me I really did, but I am still learning and building and totally re-writing my story. I look at myself today, at this moment in my life, and there are still so many things that I have a desire to strive towards.

Being a people pleaser is difficult, and as I examine myself and who it is that I want to be and how it is that I want to be seen, I've realized that pleasing others is not going to get me on the path that I want. I have to do things for myself, and I can't worry about how that might effect other people. It sounds selfish, but really there is nothing selfish about only putting your heart into things that are true to you. There is nothing selfish about removing yourself from relationships that do not allow the true you to shine and be cherished. So that is what I have been doing lately.

The biggest problem in my life was social media, because in all honesty it was bringing up a whole cloud of negative emotions that I hadn't noticed before. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram became a place where I tried to brag about my relationships and make my life look picture perfect. It also became a place where I noticed that the majority of the people in my life were not real friendships, and with that realization became feelings of betrayal and anger that started fogging up my mind and forcing ugly words and gossip out of my mouth. So I deleted these sites from my phone, stopped checking them at work, and disabled my accounts. What I've found is that I have a whole new outlook on who should be given the label ''friend'' (not everyone is there for you when you think they should be) and more importantly, my life has a whole lot less drama in it and my feelings aren't hurt quite as often.

I like how I'm spending my time much more than I did when I was always checking social media sites. I'm volunteering, focusing more on the relationships that I do have, working out and finding new interests. Simply put: I'm living life rather than writing about it. I like it so much that next month I'm getting rid of my Iphone and trading it in for a more simpler version where I just call or text.

So while it may be extremely hard to change, the process is a journey and I feel like things are getting better (even if they challenge me) each day.

i love you.

Sometimes I watch you at night while you are sleeping. I think about all that you have been through and all that you are still going through. I think about the way your smile curls when you're making a joke or thinking of something clever. The way your hand seems to find mine while we are sleeping. The way you've invited me into your world, and how we are learning so much about life together.

I wasn't looking for you, and to be honest I wouldn't have picked you out specifically. I've always been one to keep others at a distance and you make that especially hard. Sometimes that's uncomfortable, but other times it's refreshing. You have changed my whole mentality in a way that is equally frightening as it is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. For once, I am a part of a team - I no longer want to do it all on my own because sharing everything with you is so much more fulfilling. There isn't anything we can't accomplish together.

The thing that I love most about you is how you challenge me. You make me a better person because you expect a lot out of me, you really do. You push me to share my deepest secrets and to talk about feelings that I've kept bottled inside of me for almost forever. When I'm with you, I think about things differently and from all angles. We are so opposite, but it works. You balance me and make me complete. You fill the hole that has been left from all that my past has taken from me. You fill it up to the tippy-top and sometimes I'm so fulfilled that I can hardly breathe.

I have never felt as beautiful as I do now. You see things in me that I've attempted to hide from the world, and you pull them out of me and water them and feed them until they grow into something so wild and so free that they can no longer keep quiet. Sometimes when I'm sleeping, I can hear you whispering how much you love me. Those are my favorite moments, because in those moments there is so much love between us that it's electric. It's in those moments that I feel apart of something bigger; that I don't feel so alone.

It's not all easy, either. When we fight, I can literally feel my heart ripping open. But with each and every tear, my soul is making room for growth. It's in these moments that I continue to learn and to become the person who I am always striving to be. I am so proud of these moments, because we fight fair and we argue out of an undeniable connection to one another. These are the moments where my love for you is over-powering to the point where I realize how much there is to lose, and I remind myself to appreciate each and every second that we have together.

So for all of this, no matter what happens, I thank you. Thank you for giving me hope in the Universe. For teaching me to trust and to let others help me when I need it. For always being there when I need you the most. And simply for being who you are.

Because you are everything I've ever dreamed of, all wrapped into one human being. And until recently, I didn't think a love like ours was possible.

things i am learning

I have been a little quiet in this space, mostly because I was on vacation last week and I have been spending more time with important people in my life and less time on the computer. Sometimes it's important to disconnect for a while.

I am an over-thinker. I judge myself so harshly that sometimes it's necessary to take a step back, breathe, and remember to love who I am and what my life has become. Next month I will be 26 years old, and if you were to tell me when I was younger what I would be doing at this moment... I'm not sure I would be happy about it. Then again, what I knew then and what I know now about the world and how it works cannot be compared.

I have always had a plan for my life, and for so long I tried to force that plan to the point where my happiness and well being took a back seat. At this time in my life, I figured that I would be married and that I would have children and I never for a second thought that the real world could be so harsh and money could be such a burden. I never thought that I could fall so hard and that my heavy body would be such a struggle to pick back up. I could never have imagined all that I would learn and all that I continue to learn.

But when I think about what I have accomplished and how I am being molded and formed into a person who does not fit into the old plan that I had for myself, I am slowly learning to appreciate the Universe and where I fit in and where my soul is taking me. I am slowly learning that it's okay to fall down, because as hard as it's been to pull myself back up - it's possible and it's worth it. I have learned that life is a lesson, and the hardest tests often result in the greatest rewards.

The lessons that I have been taught have transformed my way of thinking. I have been hurt, been set aside, been left. But I have also hurt others, pushed them aside, left them. The reality that I have had any part in making some one feel less about themselves has made me realize that we are all just human and we all make mistakes. We hurt each other and speak harshly and sometimes we let hate and fear take over for a while. But these moments are important, because they remind me that we are all connected and we all have the ability to love and to hate - and life is so much happier when you choose to love.

The Universe does not owe me anything more than I have already been given. Life is not fair. Rather than focusing on how broken I have felt at times, I am trying to keep my mind set on the lessons that these struggles have taught me and trying to remember those ugly feelings before I try to push them on others. I have learned so much about standing on my own two feet and even more about leaning on community when necessary.

I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. And more importantly, I like the person that I have become and I am thankful that I do not fit into the box that I placed myself into before. I appreciate everything in my life, good and bad, because my experiences have led me to this very moment - and in this moment, I am happy.

what is a soul?

‎''All day I think about it, then at night I say it. Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing? My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that... Who says words with my mouth? Who looks out with my eyes? What is the soul?... If I could taste one sip of an answer, I could break out of this prison for drunks... Whoever brought me here will have to take me home. ''

-Jalal Ad-Din Rumi

you can't always do it alone.

I have always relied on myself. I purposfully take control of anything I can around me, and in a very real way this has been a safety net throughout my life. It's a learned behavior. A dirty habit that is hard to break. I have a hard time trusting others and letting myself lean on them, because there's always the very real possibility that they can (and sometimes do) let you down.

But sometimes taking a risk is important for growth. And I need to learn to let others help when I need it. This is the lesson I am currently learning and re-learning.

I talked to my mom about this for a long time last week, and yesterday she posted the above video on my facebook page (thanks, mama ;). Life is hard. Sometimes you fall and you hurt and you are let down and everything seems to go wrong -- but there is always a chance to get back up and continue moving forward. Sometimes you can do that on your own, but more times than not you need the people around you to help get you through those times.

What I am learning, is that true strength is letting yourself lean on others when you need to. And that being vulnerable does not have to mean that you are weak. In fact, letting yourself recieve help from those who love you is an admirable quality - it's not always an easy thing to do, but knowing your limits and trusting those in your life is a little gift that the universe offers when our weight sometimes gets too heavy to carry.

dream a little bigger, darling.

[credit]

I've met some one. Some one whom I respect, am proud of, and who I find absolutly inspiring. The best part, is this person encourages me to dream a little bigger, laugh a little harder, and fear the unknown a little less.

My path is moving me in a certain direction, and I am following blindly. I'm looking for adventure, and the Universe has opened her arms and pulled me into exactly that. An adventure.

lessons learned

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

-Steve Jobs

No matter how hard I try to continue looking forward and really live life moment to moment, our past is what makes us who we are and you cannot deny that the past and present are always connected by each passing moment. 

I have learned so much about myself in these past few months, and every day I am thankful as I continue to learn and to grow. When my ex-husband left in November, I read so many books and articles about how when going through divorce, you must first be able to acknowledge your qualities that need improving before you are able to get into a relationship with some one else. Otherwise, history is destined to repeat itself.

For so long, I honestly thought I had nothing to improve upon. Selfishly, I believed that I had done everything right and that the reason our marriage failed was entirely due to Sean... which is so silly, because I know I am not perfect, and we as individuals always have things that we can improve upon.

This didn't become clear in my mind until I started dating again. I met some one that I let manipulate me and who I settled for, because I was afraid to be alone and therefore I was afraid to stand up for myself. Then I met some one else, and even though we didn't have anything in common I kept seeing him because I wanted to feel loved. I paid for everything. I didn't speak my mind because I wanted to avoid arguments at all costs. I felt myself loosing touch with that same strong woman who made the difficult decision to end my marriage for the sake of saving myself.

Then I finally realized that I was repeating the cycle of my old relationships. Settling for less than I deserve. Not always speaking up, but rather staying quiet so that an argument didn't erupt. Spending time with people whom I did not admire in any way, and who were not as goal oriented or inspired about life as I am. Allowing myself to be a doormat.

A lot of my friends have made comments about how I do not need to be dating anyone at this point in my life. But to those who hold this belief, I would like to remind them that for the majority of my marriage - I was alone. I ate alone. I slept alone. I was extremely depressed and it took me deciding that I loved myself too much to continue to settle before I was able to end that relationship. That takes a hell of a lot of courage. And the lessons that I have learned and continue to learn from that relationship are worth everything in my past that has brought me to where I am now.

And so this is what I have been working on. Meeting some one who compliments me, because I am already complete with or without a man in my life. Speaking my mind and sharing my thoughts about life, even though most of the people in my life share different views. Cherishing those differences. Believing in myself enough to not shy away from a person because I feel that I am not good enough or worthy enough. Because in all honestly, the big lesson that I have learned is that I am worth it, and that I do have a lot of offer a relationship. That I am independent and romantic and feel things deeply and above all I am a dreamer - and that the right guy will love these things about me and encourage me to take adventures and risks and think outside of the box and be proud with me when I succeed. Because I am incredibly strong and determined and full of love, and I will undoubtedly succeed at whatever and wherever my heart leads me to follow.

I want some one who is able to succeed on their own as well; some one to celebrate with when we do something especially great. When we accomplish a goal or make new ones. When we follow our dreams. Some one to share each moment with and using those moments to grow and inspire and truly cherish life and everything beautiful and not so beautiful about it.

For so long, I was content with being alone. It was in all honesty a safety net that I built around my heart - I could depend on myself and do my own thing, and if I was let down it was only due to something I myself had done. But letting myself trust others, and letting myself love in general... this has been my ultimate reward.

And as my past begins to unravel and I begin to see how each experience has formed and molded and created the woman I am today, I am no longer angry at those who have hurt me but rather greatful to the lessons those experiences have provided. I am pushing the hatred and anger out of my life little by little, and in turn this leaves me with more room to trust and to love and it is teaching me so much about freedom.

So I am proud of the path I have followed up to this point, because it has led me here - it has led me to a place where I can love myself and be happy without guilt. And I am excited to see where this path will lead me, all the while appreciating where I have been and where I am now in this exact moment of space and time.

healing.

I have spent the majority of my life being hard on myself. Settling for less than I deserve. Surrounding myself with others who may not be healthy or supportive or even kind. But just as the moon goes through phases, so has my life and it feels as though I am approaching a fullness that is so overpowering that nothing can get in my way any longer. I have hope that this fullness will be enough to hold my strength, even through the dark times which are always just a few phases away.

I look in the mirror at my body and I no longer cringe, but rather see the beauty in my curves and the changes that have taken place since I've let myself treat my body kinder and found other ways to cope with my emotions that are so much healthier. I see a woman when I see my reflection. Curves are okay; in fact, they're beautiful. There is a new found pride deep within me and it screams the joys of womanhood.

When I am out, I take compliments to heart and no longer wonder if words that people say are honest or mearly opportunities to take something away from me. I am learning to trust again, and brick by brick the walls I have built around my heart are coming down. This is a slow process, but it feels good to let others into my safe haven again rather than shutting them out completely. It feels even better to dig up these wounds from the deepest parts of my soul and let them out into the fresh air where they can finally heal.

I came across a quote the other day on a new friends facebook page. It spoke volumes to where I am at in my life, and I've found myself coming back to these words and loving who I am and what I have become much deeper each time I return to them.

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

--Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I feel as though I have been through so much struggle in the short time that I have been here, but that I am finally making my way out of the depths. I am no longer a victim to my circumstances. I am happy and free and my harshest wounds are starting to heal -- I am experiencing my first taste of freedom in perhaps forever.

 

And the best part of this moon phase, is that in it's fullness I have become aware of my beauty. My hope is that I will be able to continue to shine, even through the darkness. Others may still hurt me, but I no longer find it necessary to hurt myself. This is a first step -actually a leap- into my journey of loving myself completely.

following my path.

a favorite spot on my weekly walks to the James River

Each of us has a path that we must find and follow. These paths are unique to each of us, and are never easy. Along our path, there are rivers we must cross, mountains we must climb, and rocks we sometimes stumble upon. It's easy to lose your balance and get swept up into the sea or to isolate yourself in the deepest caves of your imagination. Your path may change from one day to the next, or hour to hour. But in the midst of these challenges and tough decisions, there are moments when we each must realize that the struggles are what bring us to a place of calm reassurance and ultimately, if we're lucky, self love. These moments, where we feel and understand the blessing of each new adventure, are what life is all about.

I don't want this blog to be a place where I solely focus on my recent divorce, but rather a space where I work through these complex emotions, ever changing journeys, and remind myself over and over and over that I am enough, I am worth loving, and that trusting myself has never lead me off course. Although I've strayed from my path from time to time, I've always managed to come back to my inner desires - my path of self discovery and adventure that I so cherish and wouldn't give up for any amount of material belongings.

My connection to nature and my love for humanity have always been my North Star; these things always lead me home, always bring me back to my center and remind me of what brings true joy and ultimate happiness. Living alone, without internet or cable, is difficult. There have been nights when I've cried myself to sleep and then woken the next morning only to feel my eyes and cheeks burning from tears that still needed release. But more recently, the tears have been replaced with a sense of wholeness and I am okay being with myself. I am okay with laughing, I don't feel guilty for being happy, and each day is a brand new adventure.

Although I appreciate quiet moments in my loft, snuggled up with my two precious puppies and a good book, or even soaking in a bubble bath with some soothing music, I have begun to venture out by exploring my city and meeting new people. The highlight of my weekends have become waking up early, packing a warm croissant with pumpkin butter/coffee/lemonade, and soaking in the fresh air at the river. I have so many strong, amazing women in my life now -- women with similar values and on similar paths, who I connect with in a way that is so new to me. We spend time together with deep belly laughs, cooking yummy dinners, and reaffirming each others self worth.

Work has become a place where I have finally figured out how to pull my creativity into my daily routine, and I have flourished and am content with my career in a way that I did not think was possible. I have taken more time to talk and get to know my co-workers, have felt more comfortable empathising with my clients, and have made stronger bonds in the community which has been beneficial to both myself and my company.

I wake up early each day (where as I used to struggle to get out of bed) and am excited knowing that anything is possible. I could meet another kindred spirit, I could connect with a client in a way that I haven't before, I could learn something new about myself, I could help a stranger. I have worries and struggles, don't get me wrong, but my attitude has shifted and my glass has become half full.

There are so many possibilities available to my life that would not have been had I stayed in my marriage. I am looking at moving to a state where there is more focus on nature and community. I am in the process of starting a side cleaning buisness so that I can continue to live comfortably (it's hard adjusting to a smaller income, being on my own now). I have so many thoughts about road trips, seeing new places, and camping adventures. If I have a gut feeling, a desire that I cannot explain, I no longer feel the need for an explaination - I trust myself, get what I can out of each day, and follow my path without looking back. Life is beautiful, is it not?