quarter-life crisis

"Physicists say we are made of stardust. Intergalactic debris and far-flung atoms, shards of carbon nanomatter rounded up by gravity to circle the sun. As atoms pass through an eternal revolving door of possible form, energy and mass dance in fluid relationship. We are stardust, we are (wo)man, we are thought. We are story."

{Glenda Burgess}

{Bode’s Galaxy}

Sometimes I feel like the smallest person in the world. And lately, I have felt almost alone even when in a crowded room. Almost like I am unable to relate to people that I once thought of as exactly like me. I think that I am suffering a quarter-life crisis. Last night, I came home from dinner with my family and I marched up to our rooftop and laid down on my back. We live near an airport, so I stayed for a while and watched the planes come in and out. I looked up at the stars and wondered what it would be like to visit outer space. To really be out there, so far away. Looking down upon the little blueberry we call Earth. I lit a cigarette and turned on my ipod and just enjoyed being with myself. I felt protected by the cool air and the warm city lights. I thought about how much I have missed being with myself. Moreover, how much I have missed liking myself. But I thought mostly about how forced my life feels right now. The 9-to-5 schedule seems to bog me down at times and I like to imagine how different my life would be if I were able to quit my job and spend my days with nature. I hate feeling this way, because I really do love my job. I just love freedom more. I am craving that balance.

Last night we had dinner with one of my dad's childhood friends. He picked up and moved to Mexico City a few years ago, and listening to him talk about his life brought on a sense of sadness. Sadness that I will probably never have an adventure like that. I am so thankful for my life and my husband, but he is as passionate about staying in Virginia as I am about leaving it. I feel as though I am, at times, laying down in surrender. I thought about where I would go if there was no one here to keep me in Richmond. I dreamt big, too. Thoughts of Canada, London.....or even just the West Coast. There is something so romantic about leaving everything behind and starting a new life someplace else. Then I started thinking that maybe I am just running from something. Looking for an escape.

As I took in the last drag of my final cigarette, I looked behind me and felt an overwhelming guilt. I stood there, looking at our building and how thankful I should be for a pantry full of food and a steady income. I thought about my husband, and how thankful I am for the ways that he has been there for me when nobody else was. I felt like maybe I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts. I should enjoy where I am and let go of these crazy dreams of the bohemian lifestyle that I secretly crave: packing a van and traveling from countryside to countryside, selling art and only keeping enough to get by. And when we finally tired of the road, we would retire to a log cabin deep in the woods and on top of a mountain. I flicked my cigarette butt away, and returned to reality. A warm apartment with the television talking away in the background. Greeted by a husband who loves me more than I am sure I could ever understand.

what is a 20-something?

I've been reading a lot lately about my generation. People judge and criticise us for racking up thousands of dollars in student loans, living with boyfriends or girlfriends before marriage, and being "selfish" enough to still rely on mom and dad for extra cash. It is said by some that our dreams are more important to us than anything else, and we don't mind "taking others for granted" if it means that our needs are being met. Between you and I, those people who say these things... they don't really know us at all.

One 20-something doesn't necessarily look like the next in the sense that some of us are married, some are parents, others may still be living at home. But there's something to be said about us 20-somethings.  Most of us are dreamers. We have ambition, and don't take no for an answer. We're passionate. We take things slow. And most importantly: we don't rush in. We know the realities of being 'grown ups' and try our best to hang on to that last bit of youth while it's still in our grasp.

I cannot tell you how lucky I am. Unlike a lot of my peers, I am married to my high school sweetheart, have a really great paying job that is equally as rewarding, and am financially stable {for the most part}.  But that doesn't make me any better than my friends, by a long shot. I've traded certain things in my life to get where I am today. Sometimes I have to pass up lunch dates, because I'm broke from student loan payments which are close to $600 per month - and those are just mine. But we get by. We eat cheese and hamburger buns for weeks if it means we have extra cash for happy hour. We're also lucky to have parents who help us out when we need it the most - because we all have months that are financially tighter than others.

We 20-somethings have some pretty big expectations to live up to. Many of our parents were married and pregnant with us by the time they were our age. We change jobs and living arrangements nearly every year, while our parents were probably settled into their career by now and happily {or not so happily} married. It has left me wondering, am I a failure because I cannot financially afford to get pregnant right now? I mean, am I seriously ready to give up drinking and to put another life totally ahead of my own? But then I think about what I do have, and I realize that it's silly to think I'm not doing well. We may take a little more time than others, but us 20-somethings are anything but lazy.

It's funny and weird at the same time. In our past, every 10 year old was on the same page as every other 10 year old, as was every 14 year old as was every 18 year old. But that's not the case anymore. My life is totally different than other 24 year olds, and I can't even relate to many 21 year olds anymore. I wonder what our future children's first day of kindergarten will look like - some parents will be in their 20's, others in their 30's and probably a few in their 40's. Nobody will be at the same place in their life, and I think that's very different than the past but also very ok.

I remember in high school, I was working as a paralegal and to put it lightly - my check was pretty fat. One summer I spent about $700 in one shopping trip alone on clothes. I used to spend AT LEAST $300 on Sean every Christmas on presents, now we gratefully set aside $50. When did I stop obsessing over how I look or what I get for Christmas, and instead get equally as excited over my friends pantry space. I can't imagine spending that much money on clothes now, and it's not even an option because somehow, every week, my entire paycheck barley covers loans, gas, groceries {if we're lucky} and bills.

All 20-somethings great and small -- don't let society pressure you! Work towards your dreams, live for your passions, and enjoy every moment that life has to offer!