Wednesday, October 20, 2010

quarter-life crisis

"Physicists say we are made of stardust. Intergalactic debris and far-flung atoms, shards of carbon nanomatter rounded up by gravity to circle the sun. As atoms pass through an eternal revolving door of possible form, energy and mass dance in fluid relationship. We are stardust, we are (wo)man, we are thought. We are story."
{Glenda Burgess}

Sometimes I feel like the smallest person in the world. And lately, I have felt almost alone even when in a crowded room. Almost like I am unable to relate to people that I once thought of as exactly like me. I think that I am suffering a quarter-life crisis. Last night, I came home from dinner with my family and I marched up to our rooftop and laid down on my back. We live near an airport, so I stayed for a while and watched the planes come in and out. I looked up at the stars and wondered what it would be like to visit outer space. To really be out there, so far away. Looking down upon the little blueberry we call Earth. I lit a cigarette and turned on my ipod and just enjoyed being with myself. I felt protected by the cool air and the warm city lights. I thought about how much I have missed being with myself. Moreover, how much I have missed liking myself. But I thought mostly about how forced my life feels right now. The 9-to-5 schedule seems to bog me down at times and I like to imagine how different my life would be if I were able to quit my job and spend my days with nature. I hate feeling this way, because I really do love my job. I just love freedom more. I am craving that balance.

Last night we had dinner with one of my dad's childhood friends. He picked up and moved to Mexico City a few years ago, and listening to him talk about his life brought on a sense of sadness. Sadness that I will probably never have an adventure like that. I am so thankful for my life and my husband, but he is as passionate about staying in Virginia as I am about leaving it. I feel as though I am, at times, laying down in surrender. I thought about where I would go if there was no one here to keep me in Richmond. I dreamt big, too. Thoughts of Canada, London.....or even just the West Coast. There is something so romantic about leaving everything behind and starting a new life someplace else. Then I started thinking that maybe I am just running from something. Looking for an escape.

As I took in the last drag of my final cigarette, I looked behind me and felt an overwhelming guilt. I stood there, looking at our building and how thankful I should be for a pantry full of food and a steady income. I thought about my husband, and how thankful I am for the ways that he has been there for me when nobody else was. I felt like maybe I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts. I should enjoy where I am and let go of these crazy dreams of the bohemian lifestyle that I secretly crave: packing a van and traveling from countryside to countryside, selling art and only keeping enough to get by. And when we finally tired of the road, we would retire to a log cabin deep in the woods and on top of a mountain. I flicked my cigarette butt away, and returned to reality. A warm apartment with the television talking away in the background. Greeted by a husband who loves me more than I am sure I could ever understand.


  1. mmhm. i understand that...before i met my husband i moved once every 4-6 months, just for the fun of being in a new place and meeting new people. i'm not big on staying.
    but he is...he's lived here his whole life and i'm learning to accept that.
    [but i've been talking him into mini-adventures anyways.]
    this was so beautifully written.

  2. I have been feeling the same way and it scares me a lot. I crave to be alone.. I find comfort in my day dreams about "what could be". I feel like something is wrong with me, but when I step back from the madness, I realize I am really alright.. and more so, things are going to be alright.

    love you.

  3. I feel you! I am so in that place right now.

    I am lucky enough to be with someone who shares my need to explore and we have planned to go on our "adventure" next June, but it makes sitting in this office everyday so hard.

    I've found it helpful to go out of my way to fully live every moment I have outside of work as if I was already living my dream, even if it has to be close to home.

  4. I met my boyfriend when I was 19 (I'm almost 22 now) and we know that this is "it". As lucky as I am to have him, it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that there were 2 people to think about, not just 1 and I couldn't just run off and do whatever I like. Thankfully, my wonderful man helped me deal with this. Although I still feel a bit sad about it from time to time. x

  5. first, this was so beautifully written and so honest and SO heartfelt. it was like i was sitting here having a conversation with you. :)

    maybe right now in your life, you're supposed to stay put. it's where you need to be at this moment. but we never know what the future holds... my mom always told me growing up that the dreams we have in our heart were placed there for a reason, and they will happen at some point, if only for a short time - we just don't know when or how. live in the moment... live out loud and love with your whole heart, and maybe one day the winds will carry you out west. or to london. or anywhere in the world! :)

    <3 xo

  6. That is my every day. I wish i could just sell everything and move constantly. I am totally jealous of Sara Janssen and her family and their life on the road. One of the reasons i love (and hate traveling). I now want to move to Hawaii. It is perfect here. Kara you would love it. The culture. WATER everywhere. Organic happiness. Amazing.


speak your mind! always!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...