Sleepy Head Thoughts

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

{Plato}

I think that I want to buy a house. With a big backyard and a porch and a hammock hung up in an old oak tree. Still in the city, but room for a big garden. Rocking chairs to sit in and drink sweet tea and gossip and listen to thunderstorms.

Or do I want a loft. Trendy and comfortable. No walls to even out the space between us. Big windows to look upon the city and daydream until dusk.

...still house/loft hunting...

Am I really old enough to be thinking about this? To consider a baby's room when choosing our perfect little nest. Our own place to clean and hang our memories up on the wall. To paint each room in vibrant colors. Extra room for our loved ones to cuddle up in when visiting. This is what I've always dreamed about... ever since I was little and playing house with friends down the street.

{photo credit}

home again.

I feel like it's been ages since I've blogged. Not too happy about that. But it feels good to be back. I have been so busy lately that it's nice to be at a point where I can stop & just relax. I turned in my portfolio on Friday and my fingers are crossed that I at least get some feedback - good or back. I've also decided to submit 1 or 2 articles per week to local newspapers and online magazines... once something is published my portfolio will rock!

Mother's Day. I did not get to see my beautiful momma yesterday, but I did get to talk to her on the phone. Today she is on her way to DC for some classes that she is taking. She loves school. This was the very first Mother's Day that I have not been able to kiss her pretty little face... and that was very sad. It made me feel a little too grown up and distant from the woman who has done so much for me throughout my life.

When I was younger, my mom & I would sit in the mud and make mud pies. I remember thinking how cool that was - that she was willing to get in the dirt with me and play. I was a sneaky little girl, and she always had to check my pockets before I came inside... they were usually hiding frogs, worms or insects of some sort. But I do remember swimming in our pool in the summertime, and she would be working in the yard and would surprise me with a big toad she had found. She used to put them right into the pool so that I could watch them swim. She always fostered my love for animals and facination with living things.

She has always been the one I cry out for when I'm scared or in pain. I used to have these nightmares that were so scary and felt so real that they took my voice. I was literally too scared to speak. Have you ever had a dream like that? I used to run into her room and jump inbetween her and my dad and she made me feel so safe. I felt like nothing could get me, because my momma was there to keep me safe.

When I was in the hospital last month, I got really sick because I was taking a lot of pain medicine and wasn't able to eat solid food. After a while I got tired of jello and stopped eating altogether. Every morning I woke up and waited for her to come. I knew she would be there early, and would not leave me by myself for long. One day I got really sick, that was probably the worst day for me. This may be too much information... but basically the pain medicine was making me nauseous because I was taking it on an empty stomach and I threw up. Everywhere. My husband & dad instantly ran for cover, but my mom was right there with me... covered in it. I remember thinking "this is love." I mean, to sit there and comfort me even when it was causing her discomfort... that's incredible. She spent the night with me that night because I was afraid to be alone, and never once complained about being tired, uncomfortable or bored. I will never forget that as long as I live.

So these were the thoughts I was remembering yesterday as I woke up and streched my arms to the sunlight, pulling my body up and out of bed. The first Mother's Day without her. I wondered what she was doing and hoped she was happy and felt as blessed as I do.

Sean & I took a walk to the river and sat down near the bank watching turtles and families of ducklings. People passed by through the rapids on their kyaks and canoe's and it felt nice to feel the sun shining on my back. We didn't stay long, but I love sharing that time with my husband. I love being in nature and so close to the water, and I love that every once in a while he will join me. Even if it's hot and he's still tired from the night before.
 

We came home and made margaritas and ate cheese and crackers. It was fabulous. Our puppies napped beside us as we watched a movie and it was such a great feeling to be with my family. My new family, that was still blooming and growing by the minute.

I thought Samson had ruined my garden last week. He loves to dig his nose in the dirt and no matter how hard I try I can't keep him out of it. However, I looked in my planter this weekend and saw little peppers sprouting up from the ground. Ahh.. such a proud, proud moment.

 

We gathered our things and piled up in the car and headed to my inlaws for lunch. We grilled out and spent time talking and laughing and enjoying every second we had together. We all sat around the living room sharing stories and laughing some more, and by the time we looked at a clock it was already time for dinner. I love when that happends, when you're having so much fun that time passes without even feeling it. So we grilled out again. We love to grill and Sean is an awesome cook!
 

This weekend was so relaxing and although it passed too quickly, was a great reminder of how important my family is to me. I love my mother and can't wait to see her once she returns from DC. I will give her a big hug and tell her how proud I am of her, for following her dream accomplishing her goals. She will do great.

 

How was your weekend?

good things to come.

Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.

{John Jakes}

So I am still unable to blog at work… which I think is totally wrong because in this field {social work} it is absolutely necessary to be creative. But I intend to trick the system! Right now I am sitting at my desk typing away about an amazing thing that has happened. If you are reading this now, it is because I copied my word document onto my blog for your viewing pleasure. Deep breath.

I have been vigorously writing away this week. Searching for inspiration that seems so obvious, yet at times is so hard to find. But this is my passion. To write. And I have been working all week long on a journalism portfolio that I intend to turn in to a local newspaper tomorrow. Here it is folks: my first attempt.

I hope that I’m good enough. It’s not even about the pay right now because I have a steady job, but what I really want is to see my work published. To know that I followed a dream and that it’s slowly becoming a reality. Just thinking that one day I will be able to write for a living excites me to no end. And everyone needs a little hope now and then. Something to look forward to.

And if they don’t like my work, too bad for them. Because I have enough passion inside of me to try and try again. Somebody will look through my portfolio and think she’s just what we need. This is my journey, and if nothing else I have articles to share and more and more experience every single day that my pen touches a blank page.

What’s your passion? I hope that once you recognize it, you follow it for the remainder of your life. I hope it gives you freedom and hope and tingles in your belly.

{photo credit}

where's the love?

Every dew-drop and rain-drop had a whole heaven within it.

{Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}

So today was a rude awakening. I was walking to work, inspiration was flowing so freely that my heart raced and tears swelled in both my eyes - and I could not wait to come here. To this sacred space.

I sat down at my desk, closed the door, heated my apple fritter and logged onto the internet. I anxiously typed in my blog address and was ungratefully greeted by a message stating that my company had blocked all blogs and personal websites {nevermind that they still allow facebook and twitter}. I closed the tab and literally re-opened the webpage three or four times. I could look, but I could not write. It was actually painful to read beautiful words and realize that I had been silenced by corporate america. No commenting. No blogging. No sweet moment of bliss where I could spill my feelings onto this page. Honestly, it made me mad,

My plan is to return to work tomorrow, say a little prayer to the "blog gods" and try to access my special place again. If that doesn't work, I'll probably pout and rush home at 5 o'clock to finally gush about my day.

So what I wanted to share with you this morning is my favorite poem. I remember reciting the words over and over while playing with the grass and flowers in my backyard as a kid. Each word dug deep into my soul and even at a young age, made my heart want to explode because the words were so perfect. I think there were a few times when I layed on my back, looking up at the clouds, and let the words flow from my tongue as tears raced down my cheeks. This poem was my first example of beauty that can only be found in words. This poem comes back to me each time I see something unique, blooming and natural. It is truly a love affair that I have with this poem,

so here goes...

My Shadow, by Robert Louis Stevenson.--

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,

And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.

He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;

And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.

The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--

Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;

For he sometimes shoots up taller like an india-rubber ball,

And he sometimes goes so little that there's none of him at all.

He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,

And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.

He stays so close behind me, he's a coward you can see;

I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!

One morning, very early, before the sun was up,

I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;

But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,

Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

~

{photo credit}

a house on the beach.

I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

{T. S. Eliot}

Admittedly, I was a little bit of a downer yesterday. But today has changed me a little. This morning was the first time since my surgery that the weather has been nice enough to walk to work. I love the energy that comes from the 20 minutes of daydreaming before arriving at my desk, in my typical nine to five stance. I also love stopping at Starbuck's for a yummy breakfast.

There is a bridge that I cross on my way which overlooks the Jame's River. I am drawn to the water, and every now and then I will stop for a moment and step down towards the bank and just be. Now that the weather is warm, the bridge is flocked with fishermen and the river carries boats and kayaks and dogs playing fetch.  She is so beautiful in the morning.

Walking today I breathed in the James. She smelled like the ocean, and I could smell the people fishing and some one grilling their morning catch. I closed my eyes and pretended I was on a dock somewhere, hanging my toes in the water and letting my hair dance in the salty air. I began to remember an old dream: to live on a beach some where.

I imagined a small house with wooden floors and a sandy front porch. Every morning I would step outside and drink coffee in my bare feet while I watched the waves come in and roll back out to sea. Then I would probably lay in my hammock with my lap top and write. I would write the latest resteraunt review, an article for the local paper or maybe start a novel. After that, it would be absolutely necessary to strip off my clothes and spend time with the ocean. Maybe I would even spend a few hours surfing.

Once the sun had drained my energy and my eyes were burning from the salt, I would wrap up in a thick towel and fix a sandwich. Drink sweet tea. Nap in the hammock. I would do this until the sunshine began to sink into the ocean. Then I would probably have a glass of wine and dance on the shore.

The night would bring in a cool breeze and I would wrap myself up in a blanket. I would hurry to get my flashlight so that I could spy on the crabs as they ran across the sand. I would close my eyes, and fall asleep to the sweet lullaby of waves crashing and crickets chirping. My hair still salty and my skin sun soaked, I would be exactly where I needed to be.

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Inspiration.

Campus Summer 1970

(photo: Brian Jasper (ENGG 1971-72)

Today I am sitting in a cold office, staring aimlessly into a computer and wondering about my purpose. Why am I here. What am I doing. How long until I can stand up, walk out of corporate america, and never look back.

I wish nothing more than to be in a field right now. Warm winds seeping through my hair and the sun shining so bright that I have to close my eyes a little just to see clearly. A nice warm nap in nature. Grass tickling my arms and feet and gazing out into a never-ending quilt of daisies and sunflowers and other wild things. Freckles on my nose. A calming silence mixed with birds singing to one another. Watching clouds pass while painting pictures in my mind.

But... I am here. In an office with no windows. I feel trapped and claustrophobic and that there is no way out. I need to be inspired. Fingers crossed that a writing career is near in my future, because I don't know how much more of this office I can stand.

Patio Bars & Gardens

{my backyard, aka the James}

You can't always sit in your corner of the forest and wait for people to come to you... you have to go to them sometimes. {Winnie the Pooh}

This weekend passed by too quickly. I tend to wake up on Monday mornings and think back to work already? It's too easy to hit the snooze button over and over again, roll over and snuggle with your pillows. Every morning I wake up and rush to get ready.... so that I have an extra hour to go back to sleep. It may seem impracticle to some, but that's when my best dreams come.

This weekend was full of patio bars, warm weather and lots and lots of laughter. I spent most of my Saturday at Arts in the Park, eating more food and drinking more lemonaid than anyone should be allowed. It was so nice seeing my parents and laughing with them. All day I searched for glass beads to put into my dreads, but the only ones I found were $12. each. no thank you. But I love spending time with my community and sharing stories with the vendors was my absolute favorite part. We have a lot of talent in Richmond :)

This was the first time I have seen my dad since he returned from Haiti, and there is one story that I have to share with you. No joke, I instantly started crying when he told it.

He said that he was standing outside when school let out and there were tables and tables of food. All of the children ran up to him and the rest of their team and pointed to their mouths. They were hungry. My dad asked the pastor why the children were not able to eat, and he responded by saying that all of that food was for sale. So even though they were starving and there was food surrounding them, they could not eat because they didn't have any money. And those selling the food couldn't give it away, because they also had to earn a living and feed their families.

So my dad asked if he could buy the children some food. All of them {there were around 30}. He purchased a whole table of food for $10. Are you serious... that's roughly two beers here. That wasn't all he did. He then went around to all of the women selling the food and handed them each a dollar bill. That dollar was able to feel them and their families for an entire week. Doesn't that make you want to just empty your pockets for these people?

Unbelievable. After that we went out to eat and I ate so much food that I wanted to explode. It doesn't really seem fair that we are able to over eat while children and families are starving around the world... and even in our own neighborhoods.

So ever since that story I have been thinking about how to help people who are less fortunate. Maybe volunteering at a food kitchen or something. I don't know. More on that to come.

A huge highlight of this weekend was finally picking up my Sub Irrigation Planter and lots and lots and lots of potting mix. I planted wildflowers, tomatoes, peas, lettuce, red peppers, cilantro and basil. The farmer's market down the street is finally open, and I am excited to buy local and also try my luck at planting my own food from home.

Being in the community helps me to remember that I am a part of something bigger. I like meeting new people and learning from them. So many of my friends are ultra conservative, so it's nice to venture out and find some fellow libs! Trust me, Arts in the Park was jam packed with tattoos and dreads... not to mention many artists used recycled materials. I love the idea of taking something old and turning it into something new and beautiful.

Most of my nights were spent outside on either our roof top deck or on a patio at one of our favorite bars. I love that it is getting warm enough to wear sundresses and skirts and the simple fact that warm weather makes everyone seem happier.

Here are some pictures of my indoor garden... I am just learning so I have my fingers and toes crossed that it all works out. My dog Samson likes eating the dirt... so that needs to stop. Now.

Here is a {very poor quality} picture of my indoor garden so far. It's in front of an old elevator shaft in our loft and directly underneath several sky lights.

My monkey man growing some basil:

Peas...

I really really really hope this works. I sort of feel like I'm over my head with this... especially wandering around Lowe's this weekend debating over and over on potting mix and what veggies I wanted/would be able to grow. But I think I can do this.

I can't wait to see more little sprouts poking their heads through!

{photo credit}