Monday, June 14, 2010

You Live; You Learn.

I'm gonna be all the way out there, all the way fucking out there. Just on my own. You know, no fucking watch, no map, no axe, no nothing. No nothing. Just be out there. Just be out there in it. You know, big mountains, rivers, sky, game. Just be out there in it, you know? In the wild. {Chris McCandless}

This weekend was pretty much exactly what I needed. I learned a lot about myself and about people in my life who have more of an impact than I may have expected. I laughed. I cried. I was really, really angry. I felt loved. I felt hurt. I felt free. And all of this in 3 days. Communication is probably the most important thing that we have as human beings, and you never appreciate how important it is to vent until you do, and you realize how good it feels. And you also remember how much alike we all really are. And how people maybe even feel the same way that you do, and were just waiting for you to speak up.

I spent every single day in my bathing suit. I think that's really the best way to spend a hot afternoon. I did a lot of thinking at the river, and also a lot of not thinking. A lot of just being. I can't explain how much I love being near the water. Closing my eyes and listening to the current bursting over nearby rocks. Feeling the sun on my skin. Pretending that this is my home; and that I never have to leave. Sometimes I wish that I had the courage to be Chris McCandless and just leave everything behind and head to Alaska or some place far away. Some place where I can set up a tent in the middle of the forest, cook over an open fire, and not think about time or responsibility. Of course, he eventually went crazy and died in the wilderness. But that part isn't really the part I like to focus on. I like to focus on being totally free and completely surrounded by nature. In nature and apart of nature. One hundred percent.

And I think the closest that I will ever be to this type of freedom is when I go camping. Because even though I often fantasize about dropping my career and living somewhere in a tree house or on a beach nobody knows about, I don't think I could do it. I don't think I could leave the people that I love, no matter how much they irritate me. And even Chris  got a little lonely all by himself. As much as I hate to admit it, I think I would also miss gossip magazines and reality tv. I guess I'm not as much of a gypsy as I would like to believe.

So now I am craving a camping trip. I want to pack up my life into a single back pack and sleep on the ground for several nights. Light up the campfire once it gets dark and look up at the stars and the moon and snuggle up in my sleeping bag. Get really dirty. Drink lots of beer. And then when I am tired, come home and take a hot bath. Because it always feels good when you know you can come home.

Yes. I think I will go camping soon.

1 comment:

  1. this post was beautiful to read. i love how genuine and honest you are. <3


speak your mind! always!

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