I have spent the majority of my life being hard on myself. Settling for less than I deserve. Surrounding myself with others who may not be healthy or supportive or even kind. But just as the moon goes through phases, so has my life and it feels as though I am approaching a fullness that is so overpowering that nothing can get in my way any longer. I have hope that this fullness will be enough to hold my strength, even through the dark times which are always just a few phases away.
I look in the mirror at my body and I no longer cringe, but rather see the beauty in my curves and the changes that have taken place since I've let myself treat my body kinder and found other ways to cope with my emotions that are so much healthier. I see a woman when I see my reflection. Curves are okay; in fact, they're beautiful. There is a new found pride deep within me and it screams the joys of womanhood.
When I am out, I take compliments to heart and no longer wonder if words that people say are honest or mearly opportunities to take something away from me. I am learning to trust again, and brick by brick the walls I have built around my heart are coming down. This is a slow process, but it feels good to let others into my safe haven again rather than shutting them out completely. It feels even better to dig up these wounds from the deepest parts of my soul and let them out into the fresh air where they can finally heal.
I came across a quote the other day on a new friends facebook page. It spoke volumes to where I am at in my life, and I've found myself coming back to these words and loving who I am and what I have become much deeper each time I return to them.
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
I feel as though I have been through so much struggle in the short time that I have been here, but that I am finally making my way out of the depths. I am no longer a victim to my circumstances. I am happy and free and my harshest wounds are starting to heal -- I am experiencing my first taste of freedom in perhaps forever.
And the best part of this moon phase, is that in it's fullness I have become aware of my beauty. My hope is that I will be able to continue to shine, even through the darkness. Others may still hurt me, but I no longer find it necessary to hurt myself. This is a first step -actually a leap- into my journey of loving myself completely.