For so long I have felt alone. Alone in my marriage. Alone in my friendships. Alone in my beliefs. I've often wondered what is it about me that is so easy to leave? That's a heavy question, but I think the answer is that I am not easy to leave, but rather my focus needs to be on wrapping myself up in my own love and letting me be enough, just me. I need to stop searching for another person to fill this void, because deep in my soul I already know that I can fill this void on my own. I just need to trust and to listen.
I have been thinking so deeply about this. About how things have been arranged and re-arranged and how the only constant in my life is myself. I am with myself, every single moment. Not to say that I don't need others, because my connection to those around me runs so deep. But rather, that a person is not capable of filling this void on my behalf. That I cannot continue to blindly jump -- that I can still live in the moment without rushing fate. That I need to be my first priority, because you are born and you die alone; you owe it to yourself to be enough.
Having a body next to you is just that, a body. Unless of course you take the time to build a relationship and trust and most of all, when you think of this person your insides and everything about your being tell you that this other person compliments you. They cannot complete you, because you first must be complete. People will only love you as much as you love yourself.
I am not a lonely person. I am extremely connected to my family, my friends, my co-workers, my community. Society puts so much pressure on women, especially twenty somethings like myself, to settle down. To have kids. To find a person to build your life with. But I have settled, I have attempted to build, and it left me feeling trapped and insecure. Despite my anxieties about what society would think about leaving my husband, I left because I knew that I needed to follow my inner voice. I left because I knew there was so much out there that I still needed to discover. And more times than not, listening and trusting yourself does so much more than listening and trusting society.
So I have decided to tell society and it's pressures and stereotypes to fuck off. I have decided to continue trusting and listening to myself. To make the bold move of embracing myself, my flaws, my achievements, and to let these things be enough for now. And there is no better place to heal than in nature, where we all began and where we will continue to transform and to transcend.
As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.
[Henry David Thoreau]
p.s. - I have been in need of a regular bed (I've been sleeping in a twin bed since November) and also a couch... guess what I got for free this weekend? I think I'm going to do a loft tour post this week... I'm so proud of myself for building a life and a home that leaves me inspired and content :)