lessons learned

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

-Steve Jobs

No matter how hard I try to continue looking forward and really live life moment to moment, our past is what makes us who we are and you cannot deny that the past and present are always connected by each passing moment. 

I have learned so much about myself in these past few months, and every day I am thankful as I continue to learn and to grow. When my ex-husband left in November, I read so many books and articles about how when going through divorce, you must first be able to acknowledge your qualities that need improving before you are able to get into a relationship with some one else. Otherwise, history is destined to repeat itself.

For so long, I honestly thought I had nothing to improve upon. Selfishly, I believed that I had done everything right and that the reason our marriage failed was entirely due to Sean... which is so silly, because I know I am not perfect, and we as individuals always have things that we can improve upon.

This didn't become clear in my mind until I started dating again. I met some one that I let manipulate me and who I settled for, because I was afraid to be alone and therefore I was afraid to stand up for myself. Then I met some one else, and even though we didn't have anything in common I kept seeing him because I wanted to feel loved. I paid for everything. I didn't speak my mind because I wanted to avoid arguments at all costs. I felt myself loosing touch with that same strong woman who made the difficult decision to end my marriage for the sake of saving myself.

Then I finally realized that I was repeating the cycle of my old relationships. Settling for less than I deserve. Not always speaking up, but rather staying quiet so that an argument didn't erupt. Spending time with people whom I did not admire in any way, and who were not as goal oriented or inspired about life as I am. Allowing myself to be a doormat.

A lot of my friends have made comments about how I do not need to be dating anyone at this point in my life. But to those who hold this belief, I would like to remind them that for the majority of my marriage - I was alone. I ate alone. I slept alone. I was extremely depressed and it took me deciding that I loved myself too much to continue to settle before I was able to end that relationship. That takes a hell of a lot of courage. And the lessons that I have learned and continue to learn from that relationship are worth everything in my past that has brought me to where I am now.

And so this is what I have been working on. Meeting some one who compliments me, because I am already complete with or without a man in my life. Speaking my mind and sharing my thoughts about life, even though most of the people in my life share different views. Cherishing those differences. Believing in myself enough to not shy away from a person because I feel that I am not good enough or worthy enough. Because in all honestly, the big lesson that I have learned is that I am worth it, and that I do have a lot of offer a relationship. That I am independent and romantic and feel things deeply and above all I am a dreamer - and that the right guy will love these things about me and encourage me to take adventures and risks and think outside of the box and be proud with me when I succeed. Because I am incredibly strong and determined and full of love, and I will undoubtedly succeed at whatever and wherever my heart leads me to follow.

I want some one who is able to succeed on their own as well; some one to celebrate with when we do something especially great. When we accomplish a goal or make new ones. When we follow our dreams. Some one to share each moment with and using those moments to grow and inspire and truly cherish life and everything beautiful and not so beautiful about it.

For so long, I was content with being alone. It was in all honesty a safety net that I built around my heart - I could depend on myself and do my own thing, and if I was let down it was only due to something I myself had done. But letting myself trust others, and letting myself love in general... this has been my ultimate reward.

And as my past begins to unravel and I begin to see how each experience has formed and molded and created the woman I am today, I am no longer angry at those who have hurt me but rather greatful to the lessons those experiences have provided. I am pushing the hatred and anger out of my life little by little, and in turn this leaves me with more room to trust and to love and it is teaching me so much about freedom.

So I am proud of the path I have followed up to this point, because it has led me here - it has led me to a place where I can love myself and be happy without guilt. And I am excited to see where this path will lead me, all the while appreciating where I have been and where I am now in this exact moment of space and time.

Trust & Listen.

For so long I have felt alone. Alone in my marriage. Alone in my friendships. Alone in my beliefs. I've often wondered what is it about me that is so easy to leave? That's a heavy question, but I think the answer is that I am not easy to leave, but rather my focus needs to be on wrapping myself up in my own love and letting me be enough, just me. I need to stop searching for another person to fill this void, because deep in my soul I already know that I can fill this void on my own. I just need to trust and to listen.

I have been thinking so deeply about this. About how things have been arranged and re-arranged and how the only constant in my life is myself. I am with myself, every single moment. Not to say that I don't need others, because my connection to those around me runs so deep. But rather, that a person is not capable of filling this void on my behalf. That I cannot continue to blindly jump -- that I can still live in the moment without rushing fate. That I need to be my first priority, because you are born and you die alone; you owe it to yourself to be enough.

Having a body next to you is just that, a body. Unless of course you take the time to build a relationship and trust and most of all, when you think of this person your insides and everything about your being tell you that this other person compliments you. They cannot complete you, because you first must be complete. People will only love you as much as you love yourself.

I am not a lonely person. I am extremely connected to my family, my friends, my co-workers, my community. Society puts so much pressure on women, especially twenty somethings like myself, to settle down. To have kids. To find a person to build your life with. But I have settled, I have attempted to build, and it left me feeling trapped and insecure. Despite my anxieties about what society would think about leaving my husband, I left because I knew that I needed to follow my inner voice. I left because I knew there was so much out there that I still needed to discover. And more times than not, listening and trusting yourself does so much more than listening and trusting society.

So I have decided to tell society and it's pressures and stereotypes to fuck off. I have decided to continue trusting and listening to myself. To make the bold move of embracing myself, my flaws, my achievements, and to let these things be enough for now. And there is no better place to heal than in nature, where we all began and where we will continue to transform and to transcend.

As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.

[Henry David Thoreau]

~

 p.s. - I have been in need of a regular bed (I've been sleeping in a twin bed since November) and also a couch... guess what I got for free this weekend? I think I'm going to do a loft tour post this week... I'm so proud of myself for building a life and a home that leaves me inspired and content :)

following my path.

a favorite spot on my weekly walks to the James River

Each of us has a path that we must find and follow. These paths are unique to each of us, and are never easy. Along our path, there are rivers we must cross, mountains we must climb, and rocks we sometimes stumble upon. It's easy to lose your balance and get swept up into the sea or to isolate yourself in the deepest caves of your imagination. Your path may change from one day to the next, or hour to hour. But in the midst of these challenges and tough decisions, there are moments when we each must realize that the struggles are what bring us to a place of calm reassurance and ultimately, if we're lucky, self love. These moments, where we feel and understand the blessing of each new adventure, are what life is all about.

I don't want this blog to be a place where I solely focus on my recent divorce, but rather a space where I work through these complex emotions, ever changing journeys, and remind myself over and over and over that I am enough, I am worth loving, and that trusting myself has never lead me off course. Although I've strayed from my path from time to time, I've always managed to come back to my inner desires - my path of self discovery and adventure that I so cherish and wouldn't give up for any amount of material belongings.

My connection to nature and my love for humanity have always been my North Star; these things always lead me home, always bring me back to my center and remind me of what brings true joy and ultimate happiness. Living alone, without internet or cable, is difficult. There have been nights when I've cried myself to sleep and then woken the next morning only to feel my eyes and cheeks burning from tears that still needed release. But more recently, the tears have been replaced with a sense of wholeness and I am okay being with myself. I am okay with laughing, I don't feel guilty for being happy, and each day is a brand new adventure.

Although I appreciate quiet moments in my loft, snuggled up with my two precious puppies and a good book, or even soaking in a bubble bath with some soothing music, I have begun to venture out by exploring my city and meeting new people. The highlight of my weekends have become waking up early, packing a warm croissant with pumpkin butter/coffee/lemonade, and soaking in the fresh air at the river. I have so many strong, amazing women in my life now -- women with similar values and on similar paths, who I connect with in a way that is so new to me. We spend time together with deep belly laughs, cooking yummy dinners, and reaffirming each others self worth.

Work has become a place where I have finally figured out how to pull my creativity into my daily routine, and I have flourished and am content with my career in a way that I did not think was possible. I have taken more time to talk and get to know my co-workers, have felt more comfortable empathising with my clients, and have made stronger bonds in the community which has been beneficial to both myself and my company.

I wake up early each day (where as I used to struggle to get out of bed) and am excited knowing that anything is possible. I could meet another kindred spirit, I could connect with a client in a way that I haven't before, I could learn something new about myself, I could help a stranger. I have worries and struggles, don't get me wrong, but my attitude has shifted and my glass has become half full.

There are so many possibilities available to my life that would not have been had I stayed in my marriage. I am looking at moving to a state where there is more focus on nature and community. I am in the process of starting a side cleaning buisness so that I can continue to live comfortably (it's hard adjusting to a smaller income, being on my own now). I have so many thoughts about road trips, seeing new places, and camping adventures. If I have a gut feeling, a desire that I cannot explain, I no longer feel the need for an explaination - I trust myself, get what I can out of each day, and follow my path without looking back. Life is beautiful, is it not?