lessons learned

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

-Steve Jobs

No matter how hard I try to continue looking forward and really live life moment to moment, our past is what makes us who we are and you cannot deny that the past and present are always connected by each passing moment. 

I have learned so much about myself in these past few months, and every day I am thankful as I continue to learn and to grow. When my ex-husband left in November, I read so many books and articles about how when going through divorce, you must first be able to acknowledge your qualities that need improving before you are able to get into a relationship with some one else. Otherwise, history is destined to repeat itself.

For so long, I honestly thought I had nothing to improve upon. Selfishly, I believed that I had done everything right and that the reason our marriage failed was entirely due to Sean... which is so silly, because I know I am not perfect, and we as individuals always have things that we can improve upon.

This didn't become clear in my mind until I started dating again. I met some one that I let manipulate me and who I settled for, because I was afraid to be alone and therefore I was afraid to stand up for myself. Then I met some one else, and even though we didn't have anything in common I kept seeing him because I wanted to feel loved. I paid for everything. I didn't speak my mind because I wanted to avoid arguments at all costs. I felt myself loosing touch with that same strong woman who made the difficult decision to end my marriage for the sake of saving myself.

Then I finally realized that I was repeating the cycle of my old relationships. Settling for less than I deserve. Not always speaking up, but rather staying quiet so that an argument didn't erupt. Spending time with people whom I did not admire in any way, and who were not as goal oriented or inspired about life as I am. Allowing myself to be a doormat.

A lot of my friends have made comments about how I do not need to be dating anyone at this point in my life. But to those who hold this belief, I would like to remind them that for the majority of my marriage - I was alone. I ate alone. I slept alone. I was extremely depressed and it took me deciding that I loved myself too much to continue to settle before I was able to end that relationship. That takes a hell of a lot of courage. And the lessons that I have learned and continue to learn from that relationship are worth everything in my past that has brought me to where I am now.

And so this is what I have been working on. Meeting some one who compliments me, because I am already complete with or without a man in my life. Speaking my mind and sharing my thoughts about life, even though most of the people in my life share different views. Cherishing those differences. Believing in myself enough to not shy away from a person because I feel that I am not good enough or worthy enough. Because in all honestly, the big lesson that I have learned is that I am worth it, and that I do have a lot of offer a relationship. That I am independent and romantic and feel things deeply and above all I am a dreamer - and that the right guy will love these things about me and encourage me to take adventures and risks and think outside of the box and be proud with me when I succeed. Because I am incredibly strong and determined and full of love, and I will undoubtedly succeed at whatever and wherever my heart leads me to follow.

I want some one who is able to succeed on their own as well; some one to celebrate with when we do something especially great. When we accomplish a goal or make new ones. When we follow our dreams. Some one to share each moment with and using those moments to grow and inspire and truly cherish life and everything beautiful and not so beautiful about it.

For so long, I was content with being alone. It was in all honesty a safety net that I built around my heart - I could depend on myself and do my own thing, and if I was let down it was only due to something I myself had done. But letting myself trust others, and letting myself love in general... this has been my ultimate reward.

And as my past begins to unravel and I begin to see how each experience has formed and molded and created the woman I am today, I am no longer angry at those who have hurt me but rather greatful to the lessons those experiences have provided. I am pushing the hatred and anger out of my life little by little, and in turn this leaves me with more room to trust and to love and it is teaching me so much about freedom.

So I am proud of the path I have followed up to this point, because it has led me here - it has led me to a place where I can love myself and be happy without guilt. And I am excited to see where this path will lead me, all the while appreciating where I have been and where I am now in this exact moment of space and time.