mama

Mama,

When I think about my childhood, there are no memories of hours wasted in front of the television. Instead, I remember all of the art projects that you introduced me to, the millions of books that we read together, and the impact that your faith in my imagination still has on me today.

You gave me the freedom to run in my bare feet after butterflies, you checked my pockets for frogs before letting me inside our home, and you sat on my bed every single night and told me how much you loved me as I closed my eyes.

I remember being shaken at night from terrible dreams that felt so real that when I cried out for you, the fear had stolen my voice and so I jumped from my bed and sprinted down the hall. I cuddled in between you and Dad. Safety. You never told me to go back to bed; you always held me there until morning.

You weren't always fun. And I wasn't always easy. I remember plenty of times that my mouth was washed out with soap with the mutter of unkind words, butt cheeks were smacked for stealing cookies, and hours were spent in my room after wandering too far and not returning home even when I heard your voice calling my name.

But still, you have always been my safety net. I remember one night when I was little, and you were giving me a bath and left the room to answer the phone. You weren't gone for no longer than a minute, but that entire minute was absolutely terrifying. I sat and waited for you. When you returned, my anxiety subsided and nothing felt better than you wrapping me up in a warm cotton bath towel.

In high school, we had the typical mother-daughter relationship. Some days I really thought that I hated you. Looking back, that's how I know you were doing everything right. You taught me to balance out work and play, reminded me that boyfriends should not monopolize my time, and didn't get me a cell phone just because everyone else had one. I hope that one day I have a teenage daughter and I do things just like you did. You let me figure things out on my own, but always offered wisdom when I came asking for it.

You have always put your own feelings aside when I needed you the most. I remember calling you freshman year of college and telling you that I had broken up with my high school sweetheart. Through tears you managed to pick me back up and remind me that somewhere out there, some one was being readied for me. You reminded me that relationships take hard work, but that I should never settle. You even supported me when we got back together, got married, and believe me when I tell you that you were my backbone when we divorced. You still tell me that some one is out there for me, and that no matter what I should never give up on love.

I remember calling you in college one night and telling you the biggest and hardest secret that I have ever shared. Even when the campus police told me that it might be better to hide it from you, I still called you and told you that I had been raped and really all I needed was my mama. You were in the car five minutes later and drove over two hours to hug me and kiss my tears and tuck me in. Your ability to comfort me, no matter what the situation, still blows me away.

It seems that everything in my life is continually changing. With every break up, hard day, or illness you are the first one that I call. When I have good news, I can't wait to talk to you because I know that you will feel my joy and nothing makes me happier than making you smile. You really are my best friend, and I wouldn't be as strong of a woman without having an even stronger woman as my role model for life.

And I wish that I could find the words to tell you how exceptional you really are. You were born to be a mother, and I know this because you not only continue to mother my brother and me, but you mother entire communities. People call you when they need comfort, safety, some one to cry to, and some one to laugh with. I am so lucky that you are mine, and this world is so much better with you in it.

The pride that I feel for you is overwhelming, and I am thankful that you have given me such big shoes to fill. I am thankful that you set such an example. That even if I only accomplish half of what you have accomlished, I will be extremely blessed.

This time next week you will officially be Rev. Dr. S. Karen Workman -- and I just wanted you to know that out of all the mothers in the world, I'm glad the Universe found me fit enough to be your daughter.

With more pride and happiness that I thought my heart could possibly contain,

Kara

falling in love with myself.

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There are some things you need to know about me. I am extremely passionate about life and I am a lover. When I fall in love, I fall hard and sometimes that means that I get hurt but in the end everything about life is a learning experience and I don't mind being a student of The Universe.

I tend to see the good in everyone and it's hard for me to fathom cruelty - so there are times when I need to take a step back from society and soak in a bubble bath or spend a weekend in the woods just to get away from the negativity. I try my hardest not to let evil take over my soul, and not to let it change my heart.

I am sensitive and have a tender heart. From books to movies to people on the street that I hardly know, I hurt when I see others hurt. I even hurt for those doing the hurting. I enjoy this connection that I have with those around me. I like to feel every emotion, even the painful ones. It's important to always remember that everything in The Universe is connected, and that we have more in common with one another than we may realize. Treat others the way you want to be treated, and you will never be alone.

I talk to trees. I dance with the wind. I soak in the sunshine and the river and the flowers and the clouds. I talk to plants and animals and I never, ever forget the gift of life and living in the moment.

But most importantly, I love myself. And the reality is that nobody can change that, no matter how much they try to hurt me or use me. And knowing that is the best part.

dreams: part II

I will tell you this: When I was a little girl, I would run to the edge of the forest, kick off my shoes as fast as I possibly could, and run deep deep deep into the trees until I could no longer see my house or hear another human being. In that space, I would imagine that I was the only person alive and I would slip off my dress and lay in the creek and pretend that life was always this easy. That life wasn't so complicated, and that I never had to leave that space unless I wanted to.

I always came back to civilization, though. But those hours that I spent in the forest gave me just enough hope in love and in humanity and in life that I was able to come back with my head held high. I knew that I did not fit into society, and that pleased me more than anything. Nature was my true home.

I would daydream about what you would be like. How the sun would place a perfect halo around the crown of your head, and how the wind would dance in your hair. You would sit next to me and with our toes in the cool water, you would hold my hand and I would place my head on your shoulder and we would sit in silence and be perfectly content with that.

The trees and animals would be our only witnesses, and you would pluck flowers from the ground and put them in my hair and make me feel like a princess. You would be my king; the king of the forest.

We would string lights from the trees and I would wear a white lace dress and barefoot we would walk along a path and before The Universe you would kiss me and I would be your bride and we would be happy there, in that space, forever.

Our song would be the birds chirping and the bees humming and the distant wolves howling with excitement. In the moonlight, we would lay underneath the stars and our bodies would keep us so warm that we would feel almost electric. The sparks between us would light up the night and create a display so beautiful that had anyone else been around, they would not be able to take their eyes off of it.

But this is the part of the story where I would always wake up, and I would reach for you beside me and the ground would be cold and empty. I would feel like a hollowed tomb and would pull my heavy body from that space and make the trek back home, back into society. Alone.

As broken as those daydreams would leave me though, they also excited me. Because my soul could never feel so lost or burdened unless you were really out there somewhere. So every day I would look for you, and I would ask The Universe to bring us together.

I'm still waiting, and I have not given up hope.

[part I]

one more day!!!

Hope everyone is doing well -- the week is already 1/2 over and that means we're closer to the weekend! You still have until tomorrow at midnight to enter my Print Runner Giveaway and so far you have a pretty amazing shot at winning 100 postcards... so enter enter enter!

dreams.

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I do not have all of the answers, but I am an old soul and in a past life we lived together in a cottage on top of a mountain. You put every wood panel in place and cut out each window and your salty sweat and hard-worked hands created a magical place. I still remember it; still ache for it and our life together there, in that time and space.

We spent our days walking barefoot through the forest, collecting berries and mushrooms and herbs and flowers. The trees knew us by name, and the moist ground reminded us daily that we came out of the soil and would once again return to it. But not yet. We had too much living to do.

At night, we would sip deep, scarlet wine straight from the bottle until our teeth and lips were stained. You would pull me close to you, and kiss me hard and passionately and sometimes I can still feel my heart racing from those moments. I can still taste the wine on your lips. I can still feel my body melting into you. I still hear the laughter and the quiet ways we would talk without speaking.

We would lay in bed, intertwined and it would be impossible to tell where one body ended and the other began. I still remember the way you would gently touch my hair and kiss my breasts and sometimes, the rain patting on our tin roof made me sure that The Universe was applauding those tender moments.

In that same bed, we would eventually birth our children; little humans created by a holy mixture of our souls and your wild hair and my dark freckles and natures overpowering energy and life force. The forest would be their playground, and we would smile as we heard them in the distant brush beating their chests and howling like cyotes.

They would return to us in the evening, from their secret world of nymphs and faeries and we would pull the sticks and leaves from their hair and kiss their rosy cheeks and wash the soil from their toes and fingernails in a warm bath smelling of lavendar oil. We would wrap them up in cotton pajamas, and the moon would watch over them through their open windows; the owls humming them to sleep.

A day never passed that I didn't look into your eyes and see my very soul reflecting back at me. You were my true soul mate. We both came from the Earth and I was born in you and you were born in me. In that cottage, our love was so intoxicating that at night I lay in bed drunk from spending each dreamy moment with you.

Years would pass; our bodies would age. And we would talk about death and I would always whisper that I wanted to go first; that living in a world without you would be unbearable. But you were wise, and reminded me that a soul never dies. It leaves the body and returns to the wind and rain and leaves and birds and deer and sunshine and each tiny blade of grass from where it initially came.

We were happy. I still remember it; still ache for it and our life together there, in that time and space.

my first giveaway: print runner post cards!

Side note: Seriously, how amazing is this weather?!

As a blogger, I'm sure you can relate to getting all kinds of strange emails offering giveaways and product reviews. I haven't really felt comfortable accepting any of these offers, mainly because the point of my blog isn't for profit/followers.... and also because I've never really gotten an offer on something that my readers could relate to or really be interested in (who wants tupperware?). But, now that I have reached over 100 followers I feel that it's ok to offer a little something something... especially when that something is a product that I'm actually really excited about!

I'm a huuuuge fan of snail mail. It's so much fun opening your mail box to find a sweet note for a change, rather than a pile of junk mail, bills, and coupons that you'll never ever use. It's something so simple that can brighten a persons day, and that's why I've agreed to work with Print Runner, and online printing company, who is graciously offering 100 postcards to the winner -- and the best part is I get 100, too! (Thanks Print Runner! You rock!)

PrintRunner was established with little more than a small press and a dream. Ten years later they have become one of the foremost quality printers in Southern California. Their commitment to provide the best value and high quality full color printing at an affordable price has made the company grow... 

1. Visit PrintRunner's online postcard printing page and Leave a comment below telling me your favorite thing about Spring. Don't forget to include your name & email address so I can contact you if you win ;)

*Extra Credit: Submit as separate comments to increase your chances of winning!

2. Become a follower of my blog 

3. Follow me on Twitter

5. Like PrintRunner on Facebook

6. Follow PrintRunner on Twitter

Postcard Size : Postcards 5x7

Quantity : 100

Colors : 4/0 Front Only Printing

Paper : 14 PT. UV Coating on Front

Rounded Corners : Yes

Proof : None

Ready to Ship In : 4 Business Days

This giveaway is open until Thursday, April 12th at midnight. I will choose a blogger at random and post the winner on the morning of April 13th. Good luck!



 *Giveaway is open to US Residents only, ages 18 years old and above

*PrintRunner is a full service high quality printing company located in Chatsworth, California.

deciding to be happy.

Some one once told me a story about a little girl who grew up on a farm with her family. She was in the barn one day, and happened to be near the chickens at just the right time - one of the eggs was moving and a baby chick was about to be born! The little girl watched the little chick struggle and peck and huff with exhaustion as it worked its way out of the egg. Impatient, and mostly wanting to help, the little girl tore open the egg shell, doing what she thought would ultimately save the little chick from unnecessary struggle. What she did not realize, was that these baby chicks need this struggle, this ultimate fight, to gain the strength that they need to survive. In the end, the chick did not survive. The point is that struggle is a necessity of life, and sometimes taking the ''easy was out'' only causes disaster. But, if we are patient and we work and work to break free from our shells, we come out much stronger. The fight is almost always worth it.

I will admit that I am only human, and while I try to show those around me that I somehow ''have it all together,'' the reality is that I don't and I've been going through a hard battle on my own since November. Divorce is ugly, it's hard, it's frustrating, it's embarrassing, it's lonely. It breaks you down bit by bit, and at first everything seems so much easier... but in my experience, once the novelty wears off, it can be one of the most difficult things a person goes through. Sometimes I wish I could curl up in a cocoon for several months, and then magically wake up and all of these tough emotions would be worked out on their own. But life doesn't have a fast forward button, or even a pause button. I have already learned so much about myself and those around me from this experience, and I have a feeling that the lessons will never cease to show themselves.

The other day I left a pretty passive-aggressive status on my facebook. I don't usually do that - I don't see facebook as a place to broadcast your personal life, but it was a weak moment and I wanted my voice to be heard. Chances are, if you read that status and you are trying your best to be friends with both me and my ex, that was directed towards you. Lately I've found myself so angry, because I feel like these friends, these people who have only known me and my ex as a couple, are in the midst of their own struggle of trying to keep both of us in their lives while not hurting anyone's feelings. Being human, I was tired of being sympathetic of this struggle that these people are going through, because I was so hurt and felt so left out and have felt so alone lately. When Sean first moved out, I had an overwhelming support system and any time I needed some one or something... they were just there. But, months and months have passed and at some point people have to get back to their normal lives.

I've felt betrayed lately. Financially, this divorce has crippled me and as my debt piles up higher and higher, I find myself unable to go out or participate in things that cost money because honestly - I don't have it. When I see people posting on twitter or facebook, people who I consider some of my best friends, talking to Sean about hanging out or planning summer trips... it causes me to pull back and push everyone away. I try really, really hard to see their perspective - Sean and I were together since we were 14 and all of our friends are mutual... but sometimes it's so overwhelming and I feel so betrayed and hurt that I let my feelings get the best of me. I get tired of trying to see others perspectives, because frankly I'm going through the hardest battle I have ever experienced and for once I'd like some one to see my perspective. I miss the support I had at the beginning, but the reality of the matter is that I cannot rely on other people to always keep me as a number one priority - I may still be a priority, but they may be going through battles of their own that I don't even know about.

I'll be honest, I've had an extremely hard month. I'm planning to move out of Richmond towards the end of July, and I feel myself getting so anxious to leave that I sit and try to think of ways to get out of my lease sooner so that I can just get away from this environment that is causing me so much pain. I want to escape and never look back.

But then I remember the story about the girl who opened the egg too quickly and the little chick died. I still have things to learn in Richmond, and I need to stick to my timeline - a timeline I made when I was thinking more clearly and rationally and wasn't totally lost in my emotions. These lessons will be worth it in the end. Until then, I need to choose to be happy.

But that doesn't mean that I can't get away for a few hours. I don't have to allow my burdens to overcome me. Nature has always been a place for my deepest scars to heal, and I woke up Sunday morning with the aching desire to see the ocean. So that's what we did.

 

We packed up a beach bag, gathered our three pups, got in the car, and drove to Virginia Beach. It was so nice to touch my toes in the sand and to watch the dogs run and play in the ocean. But the best part was huddling together in our sweat shirts and blankets and napping in the sun with the sound of the waves in the background. Laughter came easy, and for a few hours I didn't think about all of the thousands of things that have been stressing me out to the point of exhaustion lately.

I read my horoscope today, and this is what it said:

"If you went over a large waterfall in a wayward raft, you would not have much control over where the water took you. However, you could hold on as tightly as possible, you could try to avoid the rocks and branches as they came flying at you, and you could recognize when it was appropriate to hold your breath as water came flying at your face. All of these things are important. You may now be facing a small crisis of some kind. Although you probably feel that you don't have any control, you do have an important measure of control. Stay alert, and you will do very well.''

I know that my best bet in overcoming the insecurities that are bound to come from a divorce is the decision to choose to be happy. When rocks and branches come flying at me, I can do my best to duck or take a step back. And when I feel totally overwhelmed, I can take a few moments to hold my breath knowing that this will all pass.

It's all much easier, I have found, when I decide to be happy no matter what. When I don't take things so personally, or allow other peoples actions to ruin my day. There are so many things to be greatful for in this beautiful journey of life - and the lessons that I am learning are sure to bring strength and knowledge that will undoubtedly give me the ability to overcome other obsticles that are placed in my path. Because let's be honest, life is all about learning and after this lesson has passed it will be time for a new one.

Your overall outlook means everything, and my choice is to choose happiness.