i love you.

Sometimes I watch you at night while you are sleeping. I think about all that you have been through and all that you are still going through. I think about the way your smile curls when you're making a joke or thinking of something clever. The way your hand seems to find mine while we are sleeping. The way you've invited me into your world, and how we are learning so much about life together.

I wasn't looking for you, and to be honest I wouldn't have picked you out specifically. I've always been one to keep others at a distance and you make that especially hard. Sometimes that's uncomfortable, but other times it's refreshing. You have changed my whole mentality in a way that is equally frightening as it is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. For once, I am a part of a team - I no longer want to do it all on my own because sharing everything with you is so much more fulfilling. There isn't anything we can't accomplish together.

The thing that I love most about you is how you challenge me. You make me a better person because you expect a lot out of me, you really do. You push me to share my deepest secrets and to talk about feelings that I've kept bottled inside of me for almost forever. When I'm with you, I think about things differently and from all angles. We are so opposite, but it works. You balance me and make me complete. You fill the hole that has been left from all that my past has taken from me. You fill it up to the tippy-top and sometimes I'm so fulfilled that I can hardly breathe.

I have never felt as beautiful as I do now. You see things in me that I've attempted to hide from the world, and you pull them out of me and water them and feed them until they grow into something so wild and so free that they can no longer keep quiet. Sometimes when I'm sleeping, I can hear you whispering how much you love me. Those are my favorite moments, because in those moments there is so much love between us that it's electric. It's in those moments that I feel apart of something bigger; that I don't feel so alone.

It's not all easy, either. When we fight, I can literally feel my heart ripping open. But with each and every tear, my soul is making room for growth. It's in these moments that I continue to learn and to become the person who I am always striving to be. I am so proud of these moments, because we fight fair and we argue out of an undeniable connection to one another. These are the moments where my love for you is over-powering to the point where I realize how much there is to lose, and I remind myself to appreciate each and every second that we have together.

So for all of this, no matter what happens, I thank you. Thank you for giving me hope in the Universe. For teaching me to trust and to let others help me when I need it. For always being there when I need you the most. And simply for being who you are.

Because you are everything I've ever dreamed of, all wrapped into one human being. And until recently, I didn't think a love like ours was possible.

mama

Mama,

When I think about my childhood, there are no memories of hours wasted in front of the television. Instead, I remember all of the art projects that you introduced me to, the millions of books that we read together, and the impact that your faith in my imagination still has on me today.

You gave me the freedom to run in my bare feet after butterflies, you checked my pockets for frogs before letting me inside our home, and you sat on my bed every single night and told me how much you loved me as I closed my eyes.

I remember being shaken at night from terrible dreams that felt so real that when I cried out for you, the fear had stolen my voice and so I jumped from my bed and sprinted down the hall. I cuddled in between you and Dad. Safety. You never told me to go back to bed; you always held me there until morning.

You weren't always fun. And I wasn't always easy. I remember plenty of times that my mouth was washed out with soap with the mutter of unkind words, butt cheeks were smacked for stealing cookies, and hours were spent in my room after wandering too far and not returning home even when I heard your voice calling my name.

But still, you have always been my safety net. I remember one night when I was little, and you were giving me a bath and left the room to answer the phone. You weren't gone for no longer than a minute, but that entire minute was absolutely terrifying. I sat and waited for you. When you returned, my anxiety subsided and nothing felt better than you wrapping me up in a warm cotton bath towel.

In high school, we had the typical mother-daughter relationship. Some days I really thought that I hated you. Looking back, that's how I know you were doing everything right. You taught me to balance out work and play, reminded me that boyfriends should not monopolize my time, and didn't get me a cell phone just because everyone else had one. I hope that one day I have a teenage daughter and I do things just like you did. You let me figure things out on my own, but always offered wisdom when I came asking for it.

You have always put your own feelings aside when I needed you the most. I remember calling you freshman year of college and telling you that I had broken up with my high school sweetheart. Through tears you managed to pick me back up and remind me that somewhere out there, some one was being readied for me. You reminded me that relationships take hard work, but that I should never settle. You even supported me when we got back together, got married, and believe me when I tell you that you were my backbone when we divorced. You still tell me that some one is out there for me, and that no matter what I should never give up on love.

I remember calling you in college one night and telling you the biggest and hardest secret that I have ever shared. Even when the campus police told me that it might be better to hide it from you, I still called you and told you that I had been raped and really all I needed was my mama. You were in the car five minutes later and drove over two hours to hug me and kiss my tears and tuck me in. Your ability to comfort me, no matter what the situation, still blows me away.

It seems that everything in my life is continually changing. With every break up, hard day, or illness you are the first one that I call. When I have good news, I can't wait to talk to you because I know that you will feel my joy and nothing makes me happier than making you smile. You really are my best friend, and I wouldn't be as strong of a woman without having an even stronger woman as my role model for life.

And I wish that I could find the words to tell you how exceptional you really are. You were born to be a mother, and I know this because you not only continue to mother my brother and me, but you mother entire communities. People call you when they need comfort, safety, some one to cry to, and some one to laugh with. I am so lucky that you are mine, and this world is so much better with you in it.

The pride that I feel for you is overwhelming, and I am thankful that you have given me such big shoes to fill. I am thankful that you set such an example. That even if I only accomplish half of what you have accomlished, I will be extremely blessed.

This time next week you will officially be Rev. Dr. S. Karen Workman -- and I just wanted you to know that out of all the mothers in the world, I'm glad the Universe found me fit enough to be your daughter.

With more pride and happiness that I thought my heart could possibly contain,

Kara

dreams: part II

I will tell you this: When I was a little girl, I would run to the edge of the forest, kick off my shoes as fast as I possibly could, and run deep deep deep into the trees until I could no longer see my house or hear another human being. In that space, I would imagine that I was the only person alive and I would slip off my dress and lay in the creek and pretend that life was always this easy. That life wasn't so complicated, and that I never had to leave that space unless I wanted to.

I always came back to civilization, though. But those hours that I spent in the forest gave me just enough hope in love and in humanity and in life that I was able to come back with my head held high. I knew that I did not fit into society, and that pleased me more than anything. Nature was my true home.

I would daydream about what you would be like. How the sun would place a perfect halo around the crown of your head, and how the wind would dance in your hair. You would sit next to me and with our toes in the cool water, you would hold my hand and I would place my head on your shoulder and we would sit in silence and be perfectly content with that.

The trees and animals would be our only witnesses, and you would pluck flowers from the ground and put them in my hair and make me feel like a princess. You would be my king; the king of the forest.

We would string lights from the trees and I would wear a white lace dress and barefoot we would walk along a path and before The Universe you would kiss me and I would be your bride and we would be happy there, in that space, forever.

Our song would be the birds chirping and the bees humming and the distant wolves howling with excitement. In the moonlight, we would lay underneath the stars and our bodies would keep us so warm that we would feel almost electric. The sparks between us would light up the night and create a display so beautiful that had anyone else been around, they would not be able to take their eyes off of it.

But this is the part of the story where I would always wake up, and I would reach for you beside me and the ground would be cold and empty. I would feel like a hollowed tomb and would pull my heavy body from that space and make the trek back home, back into society. Alone.

As broken as those daydreams would leave me though, they also excited me. Because my soul could never feel so lost or burdened unless you were really out there somewhere. So every day I would look for you, and I would ask The Universe to bring us together.

I'm still waiting, and I have not given up hope.

[part I]

dream a little bigger, darling.

[credit]

I've met some one. Some one whom I respect, am proud of, and who I find absolutly inspiring. The best part, is this person encourages me to dream a little bigger, laugh a little harder, and fear the unknown a little less.

My path is moving me in a certain direction, and I am following blindly. I'm looking for adventure, and the Universe has opened her arms and pulled me into exactly that. An adventure.

hug o'war.

I will not play at tug o' war

I'd rather play at hug o' war,

Where everyone hugs

Instead of tugs....
{Shel Silverstein}

Yesterday was a little peice of reality thrown into the imaginary world I am used to hiding in. I am by no means naive, I have been hurt/dissapointed/abandoned, but I try to move past this and stay optomistic. I work in the city for our Community Services Board, and almost all of our clients recieve Medicaid and live in some form of government funded housing {"the projects"}. I got into one of our vans yesterday afternoon and was prepared to visit a client at home, but noticed a little piece of paper stuck to the windshield. I won't give whoever did this the satisfaction of going into detail, but it was hurtful and screamed at me with hatred.

I quickly removed the paper, and looked around at all the other vans with the same ugly mesasge plastered to their windshields. I took them all down. It was all I could do to hold in my emotions and keep myself from crying.

I think what most upset me was that there are so many people in this world whose hearts have been hardened. Life isn't easy on anyone, but sometimes things happen and people begin to fear those around them - especially those who are different. Fear makes people irrational, often hateful and gives them a desire to lash out.

I wish I could see the people who did this, and hug them. Tell them I love them and I care about them and they are important. They don't need to hate. The world is full of hate, and that is why it is so important that we love. Love those who are different than you, those who have wronged you, abused you, hate you.

Many people do not know that I have PTSD. It doesn't matter what happened, all that matters is that it has left me with intense fear. Maybe this is why I retreate to my imaginary world - so that I can pretend that the world is safe and at peace. But I still try to make an effort to understand the person who nearly destroyed my life. I don't know how he grew up, if his parent's told him they loved him enough or if some one had hurt him and he was just lashing out. Maybe I just got in his way, maybe he was angry and needed a target. I will never know. The exact reason is not important.

My point is this: Every person needs love. Even those who are so hateful and mean and selfish and hurtful. You may know one of these people, and not even realize it. I encourage you to hug them. Make sure those close to your heart are told how much you love them. How they make your life better. Maybe they will turn around and hug some one else.

I will never give up hope that my imaginary world can one day exist. We will all get along, love deeply and sincerely, never feel alone and always cherish our time together.

I have some lyrics from John Lennons song Imagine tattooed on my back, and moments like this are why I chose that verse. People see it, and I hope it empowers them to improve the world in any way that they can. I hope they read it and know that I love them, and that I may only be one person - but I stand for peace.

{photo credit}

i love y.o.u.

Love is my religion - I could die for it. {John Keats}

When I was younger, I used to be obsessed with the French movie The Red Balloon. I think I was able to connect with the boy in a special way, because he grew to love something that other's would typically take for granted. He loved a red balloon, I loved a tree in my backyard {you've heard about her in other posts}. I think it's interesting that even from a young age, we search for love.

Now that I am older, I have started to realize that I often take things & people for granted. I throw them aside, much like many would do with a red balloon or the tree in my backyard that was eventually cut down. We don't say I love you quite enough, and when we do say it... I wonder if we truly think about what that means. to love.

I am extremely independent and it is often hard for me to admit that I love my husband as much as I do. I don't tell him enough -- but he is honestly the first thing on my mind in the mornings and those thoughts give me the strength to continue my day. I love that I can be comfortable with him, so comfortable that I can forget to put on my make up and I don't even notice. He doesn't even notice! So comfortable that I don't have to lie or hide things. I love that I still get butterflies in my stomach when he's near me.

I guess you could say, this has been on my mind this week.

I love you, Sean -- and hope you never feel like I take our love for granted :) xo