hug o'war.

I will not play at tug o' war

I'd rather play at hug o' war,

Where everyone hugs

Instead of tugs....
{Shel Silverstein}

Yesterday was a little peice of reality thrown into the imaginary world I am used to hiding in. I am by no means naive, I have been hurt/dissapointed/abandoned, but I try to move past this and stay optomistic. I work in the city for our Community Services Board, and almost all of our clients recieve Medicaid and live in some form of government funded housing {"the projects"}. I got into one of our vans yesterday afternoon and was prepared to visit a client at home, but noticed a little piece of paper stuck to the windshield. I won't give whoever did this the satisfaction of going into detail, but it was hurtful and screamed at me with hatred.

I quickly removed the paper, and looked around at all the other vans with the same ugly mesasge plastered to their windshields. I took them all down. It was all I could do to hold in my emotions and keep myself from crying.

I think what most upset me was that there are so many people in this world whose hearts have been hardened. Life isn't easy on anyone, but sometimes things happen and people begin to fear those around them - especially those who are different. Fear makes people irrational, often hateful and gives them a desire to lash out.

I wish I could see the people who did this, and hug them. Tell them I love them and I care about them and they are important. They don't need to hate. The world is full of hate, and that is why it is so important that we love. Love those who are different than you, those who have wronged you, abused you, hate you.

Many people do not know that I have PTSD. It doesn't matter what happened, all that matters is that it has left me with intense fear. Maybe this is why I retreate to my imaginary world - so that I can pretend that the world is safe and at peace. But I still try to make an effort to understand the person who nearly destroyed my life. I don't know how he grew up, if his parent's told him they loved him enough or if some one had hurt him and he was just lashing out. Maybe I just got in his way, maybe he was angry and needed a target. I will never know. The exact reason is not important.

My point is this: Every person needs love. Even those who are so hateful and mean and selfish and hurtful. You may know one of these people, and not even realize it. I encourage you to hug them. Make sure those close to your heart are told how much you love them. How they make your life better. Maybe they will turn around and hug some one else.

I will never give up hope that my imaginary world can one day exist. We will all get along, love deeply and sincerely, never feel alone and always cherish our time together.

I have some lyrics from John Lennons song Imagine tattooed on my back, and moments like this are why I chose that verse. People see it, and I hope it empowers them to improve the world in any way that they can. I hope they read it and know that I love them, and that I may only be one person - but I stand for peace.

{photo credit}

Romantic Bohemian

As a kid I quite fancied the romantic, Bohemian idea of being an artist. I expect I thought I could escape from the difficulties of maths and spelling. Maybe I thought I would avoid the judgement of the establishment. {Peter Wright}

Today I woke up & felt totally inspired. I love waking up like that. Feeling like you can take on anything life throws at you and still maintain grace. The only problem is.... I felt inspired to sit by the river and read or write in a journal - not so much in the mood to sit at a desk today with no windows.

I have always had this crazy fantacy of living in a forest or on a deserted island with a small tribe... think Fern Gully or The Beach. It may be crazy, but it's sincere. That would be my Utopia. No money. No cars. No individual belongings. Everyone did their part, because that's what it took to survive. Sometimes I think this place is only possible in my imagination, but I still like to dream that it's out there... waiting to be discovered.

What's your Utopia look like?

{photo credit}

One Week.

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.

{Ralph Waldo Emerson}

Today is my last full week before the transplant surgery next Tuesday. I am still waiting for the anxiety to come. So far, no sign of it.

This morning I woke up to the rain pounding on my window, and it was not as comforting as usual. I'm just in a weird space today, and feel a little off. Probably because there has been a leak in my ceiling for the past 4 months and the property manager of our loft hasn't kept his word in fixing it. Some people don't realize how sensitive I can be, and it felt good to leave a nasty voicemail this morning... but afterwards I just felt why bother.

I had the most amazing weekend with two of my very good friends, Stuart and Denise. The weather was perfect and it was nice to share our view of the river with them. I am so looking forward to spending a Saturday afternoon with Pete on a nice rock with a blanket, napping in the sun to the sound of the James moving by. I think the rain this morning has depressed me a little... because it's Monday and sunshine always inspires me.

Things are about to change for me, and I have not taken this opportunity lightly. I am so very honored to share my life with Mitchell by giving him something he so desperatly needs: a healthy kidney. To be able to have that much of an impact on some one's life amazes me... and furthers my hope in humanity as a whole. We are all in this together and capable of so much.

I have also thought of ways to improve myself spiritually. You have read about my dread journey and how excited I am to learn about myself through that experince. I look forward to spending a lot of time in nature while I am recovering - there's a healing power that can only be found when one loses themselves in a spring afternoon. I have decided that I may want to try a part time career in journalism of some sort, because I love writing and feel that a creative outlet is exactly what I need at this moment in my life. Being home for a few weeks will give me an opportunity to see what's out there. I also look forward to some quite time of meditation. Things have been so hectic lately that I have neglected my morning ritual of silence, and I am beginning to realize how important this is to my sanity throughout the day.

My mother is coming into town to stay with me for the first week that I am home, and my husband is also going to take off a few days and spend them with me... which makes me feel very loved and cared for. I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know that after next week I will come home with a new outlook on life. I hope to feel inspired, motivated and at peace.

{photo credit}

Enjoy the Moment

I woke up this morning wondering where the week went. It seems like the older I get, the faster life moves forward. Don't you wish there was a "pause" button? or at least a "slow down a little bit" button?

That is why it is so important to cherish every moment. Cherish nature, the beauty of life and those who are easy to love {and also those much harder}.

The more I think about it, when I finally purchase a house {or a condo in the city, depending on my mood} I want to have a fort inside my living room. A place to hide from reality, read a good book & remember what it's like to be young again. A place for my imagination to run to or even just a calm space for an afternoon nap. One day I imagine bringing my children here for a tea party or a time of make-believe.

I hope that as Spring begins to settle in, you take a moment to enjoy life. Really smell the air and feel the warmth of the sun upon your skin. Listen, really listen, to a bird sing. Allow yourself to take an afternoon free of worry - go on an adventure or learn somthing new about yourself.

Life is so beautiful and there will never be another moment like the one before you.

Have a magical weekend :)

xoxo

{ps - Falcore is my favorite make-believe character... ever!}

{photo credit}

i love y.o.u.

Love is my religion - I could die for it. {John Keats}

When I was younger, I used to be obsessed with the French movie The Red Balloon. I think I was able to connect with the boy in a special way, because he grew to love something that other's would typically take for granted. He loved a red balloon, I loved a tree in my backyard {you've heard about her in other posts}. I think it's interesting that even from a young age, we search for love.

Now that I am older, I have started to realize that I often take things & people for granted. I throw them aside, much like many would do with a red balloon or the tree in my backyard that was eventually cut down. We don't say I love you quite enough, and when we do say it... I wonder if we truly think about what that means. to love.

I am extremely independent and it is often hard for me to admit that I love my husband as much as I do. I don't tell him enough -- but he is honestly the first thing on my mind in the mornings and those thoughts give me the strength to continue my day. I love that I can be comfortable with him, so comfortable that I can forget to put on my make up and I don't even notice. He doesn't even notice! So comfortable that I don't have to lie or hide things. I love that I still get butterflies in my stomach when he's near me.

I guess you could say, this has been on my mind this week.

I love you, Sean -- and hope you never feel like I take our love for granted :) xo

inner beauty.

{Denise}

I have decided to take a deep breath, step out of my comfort zone & move forward with my dread journey!

I have been so inspired by Denise, pictured above, and her beautiful locks and calming spirit {click the link above to see her wonderful blog - I am truly addicted to it}.

I have done so much research and wanted this for so long that I do not think I could talk myself out of this decision at this point. Some people do not understand this journey... but there has been an overwhelimg stream of support from my family & friends, for which I am truly grateful. This is an opportunity for me to let my personality shine rather than hide it away in my hair. It's just hair!

I am hoping to learn so much about myself and my inner beauty from this experience. I trust that this will teach me a great deal about patience, and also about the beauty in being unique. I am prepared for those mornings when I wake up, look in the mirror and clench as I see a fuzzy mess - totally untamed and with a life of it's own. I am also looking forward to those moments when I look into the mirror and embrace that I am so much more than what is shown on the outside.

I have made my list. metal comb. shampoo. locking accelerator. rubber bands. beads. I am so ready to dive into this journey. I have decided that I do not want to use wax, because I want them to be able to be whispy, free & alive on their own. I will probably leave a few stray peices in the front to add a little characted, and cannot wait to see how it all turns out. Also, any reccomendations you may have are welcome!

I am also thankful that I have a dear friend to help with the long, terrible task of backcombing for hours. Jessi, you are such an awesome friend!

Keep your blogger eyes open... I am having sugery in 2 weeks and think this will be the perfect project while I am in recovery. Pictures will be sure to follow!

xoxo thanks again for your support :)

No Jackets!

It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! {Mark Twain}

This weekend felt like a vacation. I had forgotten just how much I missed the spring, until I woke up Saturday morning and felt that feeling you get only once you realize that winter is over and the sunshine is finally here to stay. We walked to the river and I wore flip flops. The air smelled like cook outs. Birds were chirping. Ahhh... heavenly! It was so nice to leave my jacket at home this morning. Even with the light rain, everything looks magical in the spring.

{photo credit}