i love you.

Sometimes I watch you at night while you are sleeping. I think about all that you have been through and all that you are still going through. I think about the way your smile curls when you're making a joke or thinking of something clever. The way your hand seems to find mine while we are sleeping. The way you've invited me into your world, and how we are learning so much about life together.

I wasn't looking for you, and to be honest I wouldn't have picked you out specifically. I've always been one to keep others at a distance and you make that especially hard. Sometimes that's uncomfortable, but other times it's refreshing. You have changed my whole mentality in a way that is equally frightening as it is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. For once, I am a part of a team - I no longer want to do it all on my own because sharing everything with you is so much more fulfilling. There isn't anything we can't accomplish together.

The thing that I love most about you is how you challenge me. You make me a better person because you expect a lot out of me, you really do. You push me to share my deepest secrets and to talk about feelings that I've kept bottled inside of me for almost forever. When I'm with you, I think about things differently and from all angles. We are so opposite, but it works. You balance me and make me complete. You fill the hole that has been left from all that my past has taken from me. You fill it up to the tippy-top and sometimes I'm so fulfilled that I can hardly breathe.

I have never felt as beautiful as I do now. You see things in me that I've attempted to hide from the world, and you pull them out of me and water them and feed them until they grow into something so wild and so free that they can no longer keep quiet. Sometimes when I'm sleeping, I can hear you whispering how much you love me. Those are my favorite moments, because in those moments there is so much love between us that it's electric. It's in those moments that I feel apart of something bigger; that I don't feel so alone.

It's not all easy, either. When we fight, I can literally feel my heart ripping open. But with each and every tear, my soul is making room for growth. It's in these moments that I continue to learn and to become the person who I am always striving to be. I am so proud of these moments, because we fight fair and we argue out of an undeniable connection to one another. These are the moments where my love for you is over-powering to the point where I realize how much there is to lose, and I remind myself to appreciate each and every second that we have together.

So for all of this, no matter what happens, I thank you. Thank you for giving me hope in the Universe. For teaching me to trust and to let others help me when I need it. For always being there when I need you the most. And simply for being who you are.

Because you are everything I've ever dreamed of, all wrapped into one human being. And until recently, I didn't think a love like ours was possible.

Dear Casey,

“Most people don't know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life. ”

― Brian Andreas

 

Dear Casey,

 

I wanted to write to you and tell you how much I miss you already. How the world seems a little bit darker since you left, and how things will never be exactly the same as they were before.

 

I still haven't cried. Yes, there have been times when I have been at my desk or alone in my bed and one or two tears have crept out... but mostly I've been holding them in because I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop them once they are released and then my bedroom and then my house and then the whole universe will flood over. I'm afraid that I won't be able to catch my breath, but also that you will see all of this and question what it is that I'm crying for when there is so much to laugh about.

 

It sort of feels like I am in a terrible dream, and I keep pinching my cheeks and forcing my eyes open and trying to wake up... but I can't. I hear your laughter in all of the quiet spaces of my life and deep, deep down in my soul I can still hear your voice and see your smile. I go to that place at least ten times a day, because it is physically painful thinking that there will be no new memories, that you have completed your time here and given all that you can.

 

You lived your life for the moment, and at times this was hard to accept. It was hard, because our world does not typically live and breathe every second of every day. While the rest of us were worrying about deadlines and stressing and forgetting and wishing time would go faster, you were living. You were laughing. You have taught us so much about the important things in life and how healing a smile can be and how much simpler our problems seem when we choose to be happy no matter what.

 

I know that your physical body may be gone, but your spirit is still here among all of us and that you are there every moment shaking your head and trying to get us to understand that life is too short to be so sad. You are trying to help us remember what you have taught us: to have fun and laugh and smile and most of all to do whatever is necessary to avoid missing out on life.

 

So every morning since you left I have taken a moment to breathe in deeply and I stretch my arms to the sky and picture your smile. I remember that we are not guarenteed our next breath. I remember that we only have one shot at life, and that there is no better time than now to start living it. I remember you and all that you have meant to me and every single soul that you have touched.

 

Thank you for teaching me so much about life and so much about how we complicate every little thing and how it doesn't have to be that way. Thank you for reminding me what is important and what isn't. What I should hold onto and what I should let go of. Thank you most of all for always being true to yourself and for showing me that it is possible.

 

I love you and am so unbelievably proud to have known you. I carry your heart in my heart.

 

Kara



so this morning i woke up and my car was dead.

I really hate to start out the day complaining, but I'm so tired of being poor and for some reason I feel much better after a mini bitch session. Sean and I currently have 2 cars, and because his is on it's last leg and he has further of a drive to work.... I decided to basically be Mother Theresa and trade cars with him. Big mistake. The car had to be jumped yesterday after work, and this morning it still wouldn't start. Thankfully though, I was able to walk to work and I treated myself to a Venti Iced Coffee for the hell of it. Hey, it's the little things right?

It's just that being poor sucks. I work really hard at a really stressful job, and my bank account still goes into the negatives more times than I'd like. I have to cancel dinner/brunch/happy hour/etc plans with friends because I never have any money, and honestly it's embarrassing. Sean and I make pretty good salaries, but between student loans and rent... we are beyond broke. Every month we have to decide which bills to pay on time, and debate on if we should buy groceries and if so how many. I can't tell you how many times I eat a can of soup for lunch or tuna. I also can't tell you the last time I ate a dorito.... and I looooove doritos.

This is why I get SO IRKED by politicians, specifically extremely weathy white males who have no idea what it feels like to work hard and still not get paid enough. Have you been following the Wall Street Protestors? Basically, they are protesting because they are tired of the corruption in our government. It's not political-party based, it's just simply American's who are tired of working hard and getting short handed.

If you haven't already, please look at the ignorant comment that Republican Candidate Herman Cain made in a public interview:

"Don't blame Wall Street, don't blame the big banks, if you don't have a job and you're not rich, blame yourself!" Cain said. "It is not a person's fault because they succeeded, it is a person's fault if they failed. And so this is why I don't understand these demonstrations and what is it that they're looking for."

Sure there's a degree of personal responsibility when it comes to wealth. But there are some poor people, myself included, who work their asses off every day just to make ends meet. How dare some one make such an outlandish assumption about a group of people that they obviously don't know very much about.

I hate politics. Enough about that.

This is what I am lucky enough to look at every day that I walk to and from work. Driving, I don't usually take notice and I miss a lot of the beauty. So I'm thankful that I was not only healthy enough and able to walk to work, but that I only had to walk 2 miles and the scenery was freakin' gorgeous. Plus, it felt pretty good to feel the cool fall air on my skin and I arrived to work feeling more refreshed than usual.

I'm thankful for my husband, who woke up early this morning and did all of the dishes that I didn't have the energy to wash last night after dinner. He also cooked for me last night, and made me laugh after a somewhat annoying day at work.

I'm thankful that I have a job, and that although I am struggling... my bills are getting paid and I am totally independent, which also feels pretty amazing. I'm smart and have learned a lot at my current job which will make transitioning into a new career field much easier. As a matter of fact, I went on an interview last week and I have another today. It feels good to have options.

I'm thankful for my friends, especially my best friend Brittany who has taken a vow with me to explore Richmond and meet new people and see new places. We've already discovered a really sweet place for brunch and a new bar that has some amazing live bands -- the Weezer Cover Band two weeks ago was particularly awesome!

And finally, I'm thankful for what little money that I do have and also thankful that I work hard for it and appreciate every last penny. I don't have to stand outside holding a cardboard sign, and I don't ever have to skip meals. I have plenty of options, and I'm lucky and thankful that I'm at a time in my life when I can explore them. Who know's what's around the corner...

It's important to be thankful for what you do have, and it's also okay to get upset when things don't go as you might have planned. Every emotion is sacred, and should be felt and then let go again. The Universe has a way of balancing things out, and I do believe that if you keep working hard you will be rewarded.

What are you thankful for?