i love you.

Sometimes I watch you at night while you are sleeping. I think about all that you have been through and all that you are still going through. I think about the way your smile curls when you're making a joke or thinking of something clever. The way your hand seems to find mine while we are sleeping. The way you've invited me into your world, and how we are learning so much about life together.

I wasn't looking for you, and to be honest I wouldn't have picked you out specifically. I've always been one to keep others at a distance and you make that especially hard. Sometimes that's uncomfortable, but other times it's refreshing. You have changed my whole mentality in a way that is equally frightening as it is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. For once, I am a part of a team - I no longer want to do it all on my own because sharing everything with you is so much more fulfilling. There isn't anything we can't accomplish together.

The thing that I love most about you is how you challenge me. You make me a better person because you expect a lot out of me, you really do. You push me to share my deepest secrets and to talk about feelings that I've kept bottled inside of me for almost forever. When I'm with you, I think about things differently and from all angles. We are so opposite, but it works. You balance me and make me complete. You fill the hole that has been left from all that my past has taken from me. You fill it up to the tippy-top and sometimes I'm so fulfilled that I can hardly breathe.

I have never felt as beautiful as I do now. You see things in me that I've attempted to hide from the world, and you pull them out of me and water them and feed them until they grow into something so wild and so free that they can no longer keep quiet. Sometimes when I'm sleeping, I can hear you whispering how much you love me. Those are my favorite moments, because in those moments there is so much love between us that it's electric. It's in those moments that I feel apart of something bigger; that I don't feel so alone.

It's not all easy, either. When we fight, I can literally feel my heart ripping open. But with each and every tear, my soul is making room for growth. It's in these moments that I continue to learn and to become the person who I am always striving to be. I am so proud of these moments, because we fight fair and we argue out of an undeniable connection to one another. These are the moments where my love for you is over-powering to the point where I realize how much there is to lose, and I remind myself to appreciate each and every second that we have together.

So for all of this, no matter what happens, I thank you. Thank you for giving me hope in the Universe. For teaching me to trust and to let others help me when I need it. For always being there when I need you the most. And simply for being who you are.

Because you are everything I've ever dreamed of, all wrapped into one human being. And until recently, I didn't think a love like ours was possible.

a little bit about one of my biggest heros.

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Many of you have been following this blog long enough to know about the complete transformation my life took after donating my kidney to my god-brother, Mitchell. He is seriously the strongest person that I have ever met, and at times I have to remind myself that he is indeed human. It's hard to remember that he isn't a super hero, that he experiences pain and fights so hard from day to day. Mitchell is one of those people who never complains, never cries, never expects special treatment or sympathy. He's incredibly strong and he's a fighter. Whenever I am going through a hard time, I think 'what would Mitchell do?' and I am instantly humbled and inspired.

This past month, and especially week, has been one that's reminded me of just how human Mitchell really is, and how he struggles daily just for some form of normalcy. He needs another transplant, and until they can find a match he will have to begin dialysis. The thought of this literally makes me sick to my stomach, because I remember my grandfather (who mind you, lived not only a normal childhood but a fully enriched life) going to and from dialysis and coming home exhausted and broken. I remember sitting at the kitchen table with my grandfather and him telling me that he would rather be dead than have to continue ''living'' like he was - and as young as I was at the time, I remember feeling those words down to my core. I remember hurting for him. I remember never wanting anyone to ever have to go through that. This image is what pressed me to donate my kidney in the first place.

Mitchell needs support now more than ever. Please visit his website here and participate in any way that you can. For some, this means donating money. For others, it may mean spreading his story and building awareness. For others, prayer or positive and healing vibes. Whatever it is that you can give, I can assure you that my family appreciates it.

And even if you never visit the website, please remember a time this week, this hour, this minute where you felt truly happy and fulfilled. Think about this moment, and cherish it. Remind yourself of the good in your life, and the blessings that you have been given. We only have so much time here, and my wish for you is that you acknowledge each millisecond of it. That you use each moment to better yourself and that when your time comes, you leave this world better than how you found it.

who matters?

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There is so much learning to be done. Every single day, a new opportunity to learn and re-learn and re-learn it all over again. Just when you think you know everything, you realize you know nothing. And then when you feel as if your life is a complete and utter mess, and that nothing makes sense... somehow it circles around again and you feel certain that your path was made specifically for you. Life is a cycle, and it never seems to have a beginning or an ending.

The people that we choose to bring along on our journey are so very important. All of them. From the ones who hurt us, make us feel unworthy, to those who spark a desire in our hearts to be better people. Each of them has something to offer, and it is our inner voice which must tell us who to learn from and let go, and who to hold on to tightly. If you trust no one, you must always trust yourself. You must always believe deeply in the Universe and her ability to balance out the good with the bad. The love to the hurt. There is no beginning or end, but rather life is a never ending journey full of adventure and moments which can never be brought back.

Letting go and learning and holding on and learning and enjoying and tasting and loving and falling and getting back up - this is what we are here to accomplish.

following my path.

a favorite spot on my weekly walks to the James River

Each of us has a path that we must find and follow. These paths are unique to each of us, and are never easy. Along our path, there are rivers we must cross, mountains we must climb, and rocks we sometimes stumble upon. It's easy to lose your balance and get swept up into the sea or to isolate yourself in the deepest caves of your imagination. Your path may change from one day to the next, or hour to hour. But in the midst of these challenges and tough decisions, there are moments when we each must realize that the struggles are what bring us to a place of calm reassurance and ultimately, if we're lucky, self love. These moments, where we feel and understand the blessing of each new adventure, are what life is all about.

I don't want this blog to be a place where I solely focus on my recent divorce, but rather a space where I work through these complex emotions, ever changing journeys, and remind myself over and over and over that I am enough, I am worth loving, and that trusting myself has never lead me off course. Although I've strayed from my path from time to time, I've always managed to come back to my inner desires - my path of self discovery and adventure that I so cherish and wouldn't give up for any amount of material belongings.

My connection to nature and my love for humanity have always been my North Star; these things always lead me home, always bring me back to my center and remind me of what brings true joy and ultimate happiness. Living alone, without internet or cable, is difficult. There have been nights when I've cried myself to sleep and then woken the next morning only to feel my eyes and cheeks burning from tears that still needed release. But more recently, the tears have been replaced with a sense of wholeness and I am okay being with myself. I am okay with laughing, I don't feel guilty for being happy, and each day is a brand new adventure.

Although I appreciate quiet moments in my loft, snuggled up with my two precious puppies and a good book, or even soaking in a bubble bath with some soothing music, I have begun to venture out by exploring my city and meeting new people. The highlight of my weekends have become waking up early, packing a warm croissant with pumpkin butter/coffee/lemonade, and soaking in the fresh air at the river. I have so many strong, amazing women in my life now -- women with similar values and on similar paths, who I connect with in a way that is so new to me. We spend time together with deep belly laughs, cooking yummy dinners, and reaffirming each others self worth.

Work has become a place where I have finally figured out how to pull my creativity into my daily routine, and I have flourished and am content with my career in a way that I did not think was possible. I have taken more time to talk and get to know my co-workers, have felt more comfortable empathising with my clients, and have made stronger bonds in the community which has been beneficial to both myself and my company.

I wake up early each day (where as I used to struggle to get out of bed) and am excited knowing that anything is possible. I could meet another kindred spirit, I could connect with a client in a way that I haven't before, I could learn something new about myself, I could help a stranger. I have worries and struggles, don't get me wrong, but my attitude has shifted and my glass has become half full.

There are so many possibilities available to my life that would not have been had I stayed in my marriage. I am looking at moving to a state where there is more focus on nature and community. I am in the process of starting a side cleaning buisness so that I can continue to live comfortably (it's hard adjusting to a smaller income, being on my own now). I have so many thoughts about road trips, seeing new places, and camping adventures. If I have a gut feeling, a desire that I cannot explain, I no longer feel the need for an explaination - I trust myself, get what I can out of each day, and follow my path without looking back. Life is beautiful, is it not?

Thoughts.

I've been thinking so much lately. About the possibilities ahead of me, about the fact that every time I blink I feel as though my life looks completely different, about the reality that I need a change of scenery in a big way. Mostly that it's ok that my life feels like a huge mess right now, because I have never felt so free.

I had a dream the other night that the world was ending. People around me were crying, fighting for survival, and suffering. The only thing I said was "I have wasted so much time." Now is the time to take risks, explore & value each moment. That may come with mistakes along the way, but every moment wasted is one we can never get back.

So it's official, I need to leave Virginia for the first time in my entire life. In August. I'm narrowing it down to several places: Washington State, Arizona, Colorado, Oregon. The best part, is that these thoughts could change at any moment and I could wind up somewhere completely different by this time next year.

I am learning to embrace the unknowing, and enjoy the ups and downs of living my life completely.

an unexpected break in my routine.

I haven't been to work since Wednesday, because I've been at home resting my body and healing from a kidney infection. I only have one kidney, so the doctors want to make sure everything is 100% before I return to work. I was in a lot of pain up until Saturday morning, but today I am happy to report that I am feeling much, much better -- it doesn't even feel like anythings wrong :)

[lucky for me, I took Monday off a few weeks ago... so I don't have to go back to work until Tuesday!!!]

 

I'm pretty bummed that I missed homecoming this year.... especially since I didn't get to go last year. But it's always nice to have an unexpectedly long relaxing weekend. Friday night my best friend Brittany dropped her plans and came over for a pizza/movie night with me so that I didn't have to spend the night by myself. I thought that was pretty special (i love you soooo much Britt!), and between that and the many texts and phone calls from friends and family checking up, it's safe to say that I feel pretty loved.

Saturday a bunch of my friends who live in my building and I got together for brunch. I had about 5 cups of coffee and a Sunny Morning Sandwich, stuffed with scrambled eggs, tomato, and lots and lots of seasoning. I don't normally sit and gulp down coffee by the mug full, so it's safe to say I was jittery all day... but it was so much fun laughing with good friends -- I am truly fortunate for the people in my life right now. 

This year got off to a rocky start, as I've made a conscious effort of ridding negative people and things from my life. It's not always easy to say goodbye to things, especially when they're unhealthy, but I can honestly say that the changes I've made have led me to a much happier and positive existence. I've met some really cool people, learned a lot about  myself, and I'm choosing a totally different career path. For once, I actually feel like I'm in control of myself and my happiness, and it feels empowering.

My friend Kari and I were talking last night, and she told me that she thinks I'll be successful no matter what I do. I don't think she realizes how badly I needed this reassurance, and how good it was to hear that some one believes in me. Actually, so many people have told me that they believe in me and the path I am on... and I am so excited to see where it leads me and what my life looks like a year from now.

Tomorrow I'm getting the outline done for a sleeve I've been planning for a while now -- so get ready for some before and after pictures... I'm so excited! I also plan on doing a little thrifting... I've decided on a vintage tea party theme for our Thanksgiving dinner, so hopefully I can find some goodies :)

Speaking of goodies, my neighbor Bart is an amazing artist... you've gotta check him out! I have one of his little masking tape birdies in my kitchen, and I'm totally blown away by his talent -- click here you won't be sorry!

Also, a little article I found this week that I found absolutely inspiring. What you spend your time doing is important, so spend it wisely.

That's all for now, hope you are all having a fabulous weekend!

p.s. This song's been on repeat all week long. I can't get enough.

taste every apple.

I saw this quote this morning on Boho Girl's blog, and it really spoke to me. I think you have a pretty clear idea that I've been in the midst of changing my career path if you've been following along even the slightest bit, and that can be pretty scary.

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

[Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum]

 

I have been thinking heavily about the impact that a career change will have on my life, and honestly at times it takes my breath because it makes me so nervous. But we are only here for so long, and I want to spend what little time I have doing something that I love. Surrounding myself with people that I love. I want to make sure that I taste all of the sweetness that this life has to offer, and that I don't let the fear of the unknown hold me back. Here's to tasting every apple!

Healing.

This weekend wasn't really about fireworks or cookouts for me. It was more about healing and taking in each moment and really working on loving myself. I have been going through some pretty big things lately both in my professional life as well as personally. For me, there is no better place to heal than the mountains... so Friday after work I drove to Fincastle, Virginia and met up with some friends for the weekend. I wasn't ready to head back to the City on Sunday, so I drove right past my exit and continued driving until I reached my parents lake house.

There is nothing better than escaping into nature for some deep introspection. And no better place to think, than when you're surrounded by mountains and fresh air. I am so lucky to have so many good people in my life, and one of the most freeing moments for me was sitting outside and talking to good friends under more than a thousand visible stars. You just don't get views like that in the City. For the first time in a very long time, I didn't feel like I was trapped or suffocated.

How could you feel anything but free when you're waking up every morning to this view:

Or when you're driving hours away from your home, and you're surrounded by this:

Sometimes life and circumstance gets in the way of truly living every moment, breathing in each breath and really feeling replenished. I hope that this weekend, you were able to feel a little more alive and a little more free.

An epiphany, if you will.

Call me dramatic, but I had an epiphany this weekend. . . something really clicked and I feel like it was pretty life changing. I am the kind of person who likes to think that I live in the moment, when in reality. . . I question things to death and only leap when I'm 110% sure I will be successful. Sometimes I feel like I can't make any mistakes, because I worry about how it will effect my husband, if my parents will be proud, if my friends will think I'm smart, if my boss will find me interesting -- I really care what other people think. I hate admitting that, but I do. I'm only human, right?

Anyway, I have been battling this desire to go to hair school for a while now. Actually, I wanted to take cosmotology in high school. . . but I didn't because I thought my parents would be more proud if I went to college and got a degree in something, for lack of a better term, ''normal''. You know, the typical nine to five office job. I also didn't tell anyone that I wanted to go, because I cared too much what my friends would think. Last year around this time I told Sean that I was seriously considering a career change: I wanted to go to hair school, quit social work, and become a hair stylist.

He had some legit issues with that. One, we owe a LOT in student loans. Neither of our parents paid for us to attend college, and every month we have to pay. Two, I have invested a LOT into this field. I went to college for 4 years to study it, I completed 2 internships, and as soon as I graduated I got a job in my field. Social work doesn't pay well, but having a salary and nice benefits makes it a pretty stable job. So. . . I brushed it aside and decided to just get my master's and find a way to make myself happy doing what I've been doing for the past several years.

But, a year has passed and I still want to go. I've even googled versions of ''negative aspects of being a hair dresser'' for months trying to talk myself out of it. I went to a hair school two weeks ago, and it only made me want it more. I love the aspect of being around people all day, no progress reports or quarterly reviews, no office, no hiding my tattoos and absolutly no pretending I'm some one that I'm not. It's no secret that I'm not exactly money-driven. . . success in my eyes is being in an environment that makes me happy. I don't want to dread work everyday, who does?!

Thinking about switching my career totally freaks me out. I get this feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I need to barf and at times I think it's EASIER to just stay where I'm at. Even if it means being miserable. I've been going back and forth on this for a whole year. . . until recently.

Well. It all started on Wednesday when one of my best friends, Denise, suggested that I contact one of the bloggers that I follow and get their perspective. My other best friend, Brittany agreed and gave me a little pep-talk about how I cannot keep worrying about other people and their opinions (don't you love those chats?) Feeling better, I emailed Brandi from Mucho Mucho Bueno Bueno and some of the things she said really got to me. She talked about how much fun she was having, how successful her shop is, the creativity, the people, the positivity. I was absolutly in love (especially since I'd been only thinking about the hard parts of the job, trying to talk myself out of it). Sometimes you really just need to focus on the positives, and the direction that your life CAN take if you choose to follow a different path every now and then.

Then I met some one on Thursday. He sealed the deal. I jokingly call him my ''soul mate'', but I met this 78 year old sailor and we talked for several hours -- epitomy of living the moment. This guy grew up in Liverpool (he saw the Beatles LIVE!!!), came to the United States, attempted a nine to five and then finally said screw it! This isn't for me! Guess what he's doing now? Living on a house boat and traveling the world. How cool is that?!

He has made some mistakes in his life, but the most important thing I learned was that he would never change anything about his circumstance. You only have one life -- this is IT. No matter what you believe about what happends when we die, the here and now is the only thing we know for certain. And I don't want to look back on my life at 78 with regrets. . . I want to be like this guy, who has seen and done everything he's wanted to see and do, and who is happy and healthy because he has followed his heart. I love how at 78, he still goes swimming every day and has so much energy and knowledge - he is so young at heart.

Yes, it's a huge risk. Money will be an issue and I'll probably have to work two jobs while I build up my clientele. Hair school sucks and I'll be leaving my full time job every night to study hair for 4 hours. But the bigger risk is NOT doing it. Because guess what. . . the older you get, the harder it is to change careers. I have no children who depend on me, Sean has a steady job, I'm healthy - I can handle it! Worst case scenario, I hate it and I fall back on my degree. Best case scenario, I succeed and I have a job that I love. . . and with that comes a happy outlook and less stress.

I think I owe it to myself to take this risk, and to really practice what I preach about living in the moment and not taking life for granted. I also owe it to my friends and family - for them to see that even if this is a mistake, I can pull myself back up and find a new plan. That it's ok to keep searching until your happy; that we don't have to ever ''settle''.

So time to get serious about hair schools, do some more visits, and make a decision on a school! Hopefully by the end of the summer :)

On a lighter note, I got to go to a work conference with Sean over the weekend :) I'm really lucky that my husband likes me enough to pay so much in order for me to attend -- and also really lucky that while he was in meetings, I got to read on a beach and watch sail boats all day! We went to a wine tasting, and as you can tell. . . it was fun!



Have you ever made a decision that you were afraid of, because you knew it had the possibility to totally change your life for the better?



Living In The Moment

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There is something that you must understand about people - they will let you down. And the more you love a person, chances are that they will really hurt you when they do. This is just the way life goes, and the sooner you understand this... the easier the ride will be. Plain + Simple.

Before you start getting all ''Stop being so pessimistic, Kara'' just hear me out. Nobody is perfect. I am not perfect and you are not perfect and the guy you work with isn't perfect either. Neither is your kindergarten teacher who you loved so much and look back on with nostalgia from time to time. We make mistakes, and if we're lucky we grow from them. And realizing that sometimes people you love let you down can only help you learn from each and every painful experience you encounter. It's only been 24 years on Earth for me personally, but I've had my heart broken and stomped on too many times to count. Sometimes, admittedly, I've done the stomping.

Sometimes, life throws a curve ball and it knocks you unconscious for a few minutes before you get a chance to shake it off and try all over again. The important thing is that before you shake it off, you really feel that pain and accept it before trying again. You should always strive to feel every moment of life, and know that accepting these not-so-fun emotions is not the same actual thing as being okay with it. You have to be able to admit that you aren't in control, and that sometimes you get on a roller coaster and you can't just throw your hands up and yell "STOP!!!"... you have to actually ride it out and then decide if it was worth an extra go-round or not. Sometimes it is, other times it isn't.

But when you are in this moment of disbelief and overall hurt, breathe it in and then breathe it out. When you do this, you are more capable of learning from it. You have time to think about why this person let you down, what they were thinking, what was going on in their life, if their past is influencing them at this moment, if yours is. You can say: This hurts. But I know that they love me and I see where they were coming from, and I trust that they weren't intentionally inflicting this pain on me because our past history reminds me that they care about me just as much as I care about them.

You can also say: I keep getting hurt by this person, and I want off the roller-coaster.

In both instances, you have looked at the situation from all sides and felt the emotion and made a decision. This is living in the moment. Every moment. Not only happy moments, and not only sad moments, but every moment without skipping over some. Because there is something that you can learn from each and every moment of life, and learning only makes you grow as a person and aware of things that you hadn't considered before.

And while you're living in this moment, that sometimes isn't so fun, it's important to remember that there are other things in your life that are not letting you down. There are other friends, husbands/boyfriends, opportunities, chances worth taking, adventures to begin. So rather than dwelling on something sad, feel the moment and learn from it and then move on. You can choose to take the thing that hurt you along with you for another ride (sometimes the ride isn't so bad once you've experienced it, and it becomes your most favorite thing), or other times you can get off of the scary roller coaster (that continues to be scary, no matter how many times you try again) and find something a little more pleasant, like the merry-go-round instead.

The Universe has a lot to offer in each and every moment, and it is our job on Earth to learn from her lessons and better ourselves and those around us. Living in the moment is easy, when you recognize the opportunity that is being offered and the chances that are worth taking.