Goodbye.

I have been thinking long and hard, and I am leaving this space once and for all. But don't worry, I just want to make a fresh start! You can find me at my newest home, HERE :)

xx, Kara

Lately.

Lately, my life has been pretty quiet and pretty wonderful. I'm on my second month without social media (other than this blog, which I severely neglect these days ;) and I'm getting rid of my iphone this month in exchange for something a little more simple - aka a phone not a small computer. I really, really like being disconnected from the internet. It's helped me to find other hobbies and to be more present with life and the people in it who mean the most to me.

So what have I been up to? Well...

1. I moved into a new apartment that I am totally obsessed with - large windows overlooking the city, cement floors, and the very best roommate a girl could ever ask for (hooray for awesome boyfriends! ;) Plus I'm saving about $700 per month now that I'm no longer living alone... which means my move out of Richmond will definintly be happening a year from now! I love daydreaming about where I will be next...

2. I finally did something that I've been talking about doing for years now... I got my motorcyle license this weekend! My car died last month, and I would be sad except that now I have the perfect excuse to buy my first bike! I'm already planning road trips with it :) :) :) The class was pretty intense, so I'm proud of myself for sticking with it, working hard, and accomplishing my goal!

3. I've met some really amazing people that are more like family than friends. And it feels incredible to know people who have your back and understand so much about what's really important.

4. I'm signing up for my first pottery class in September!!! I can't wait!!! 

5. And last but not least, I've discovered a hobby that I have in refinishing old furniture and possssssibly building some on my own - more on this later ;)

In short, life has been pretty good to me for the past several months. I feel like I'm finally turning my life around, getting back on track, and becoming the woman that I've always wanted to be. Nothing is holding me back anymore, and life is a bigger adventure than I ever could've imagined!



“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it"

The thing about change is that it takes a very long time. I thought that I had made so many positive changes throughout last year, and trust me I really did, but I am still learning and building and totally re-writing my story. I look at myself today, at this moment in my life, and there are still so many things that I have a desire to strive towards.

Being a people pleaser is difficult, and as I examine myself and who it is that I want to be and how it is that I want to be seen, I've realized that pleasing others is not going to get me on the path that I want. I have to do things for myself, and I can't worry about how that might effect other people. It sounds selfish, but really there is nothing selfish about only putting your heart into things that are true to you. There is nothing selfish about removing yourself from relationships that do not allow the true you to shine and be cherished. So that is what I have been doing lately.

The biggest problem in my life was social media, because in all honesty it was bringing up a whole cloud of negative emotions that I hadn't noticed before. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram became a place where I tried to brag about my relationships and make my life look picture perfect. It also became a place where I noticed that the majority of the people in my life were not real friendships, and with that realization became feelings of betrayal and anger that started fogging up my mind and forcing ugly words and gossip out of my mouth. So I deleted these sites from my phone, stopped checking them at work, and disabled my accounts. What I've found is that I have a whole new outlook on who should be given the label ''friend'' (not everyone is there for you when you think they should be) and more importantly, my life has a whole lot less drama in it and my feelings aren't hurt quite as often.

I like how I'm spending my time much more than I did when I was always checking social media sites. I'm volunteering, focusing more on the relationships that I do have, working out and finding new interests. Simply put: I'm living life rather than writing about it. I like it so much that next month I'm getting rid of my Iphone and trading it in for a more simpler version where I just call or text.

So while it may be extremely hard to change, the process is a journey and I feel like things are getting better (even if they challenge me) each day.

Wishes For My 26th Year

Every birthday I think it's important to take a moment to reflect on my life and come up with a few goals for the following year. I will be 26 years old in 11 days... and the things I have learned this year have been incredible. I can't wait to see what year 26 has to offer :)

1. Get Healthy.

It's become pretty apparent that I need to take care of myself. This is the only body that I've got, and it's going to need to stay healthy so that it can take me on all of the adventures that I want to go on in this lifetime!

I've decided to quit smoking, and so far I'm 9 days strong!

I also want to do more things outdoors. One of my major goals is to visit a different hiking trail at least twice per month. This Spring I also want to go backpacking and camping for several days, which is something I've never done before. I'm ready to get more active and to push my body in new ways.

2. Get Positive.

I have learned a lot about the people in my life this year. When I got divorced, many of my "friends" felt like they needed to choose sides -- and to my surprise, those who were there in the beginning didn't really stick around for the long haul.

At first I got really sad about it, and to be honest I still am at times. It's hard realizing that your friendship wasn't valued and that people can be really judgemental and cruel. But, who really wants people in your life who are only there for you when it's convenient for them? Not me.

I think it's important that I start focusing on the positive. I've been through a lot, learned a million life lessons, and met a lot of different people along the way. I don't have to settle for ''part-time friends'' and if people aren't going to value my friendship then they don't deserve to be a part of my life.

3. Explore.

I love to travel, and I'm finally in the position where I'm with some one who likes to explore just as much as I do. I want to learn how to paddle board, kayak as much as possible, and visit places that I've never been before.

I've never been in a hot air balloon, and I want to experience that this year.

There are so many places that I haven't been, and now is the time to check them out. I'm looking forward to long car trips, and hopefully pulling out my passport at least once this year ;)

4. Create.

I am a very artistic person, but I have been so busy with legal and financial struggles this year that I have put a lot of my creative desires on the back burner.

This year I wrote a short children's book that I would like to illustrate and publish. I'm not interested in making money off of my writing, but I would love to have something to give my future children.

I want to take a pottery class. I've wanted to do this for a few years now, and financially I think this is the year to take that leap. I also want to experiment with jewelry making... and who knows where that will take me!

~

{See previous years here and here!}

i love you.

Sometimes I watch you at night while you are sleeping. I think about all that you have been through and all that you are still going through. I think about the way your smile curls when you're making a joke or thinking of something clever. The way your hand seems to find mine while we are sleeping. The way you've invited me into your world, and how we are learning so much about life together.

I wasn't looking for you, and to be honest I wouldn't have picked you out specifically. I've always been one to keep others at a distance and you make that especially hard. Sometimes that's uncomfortable, but other times it's refreshing. You have changed my whole mentality in a way that is equally frightening as it is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. For once, I am a part of a team - I no longer want to do it all on my own because sharing everything with you is so much more fulfilling. There isn't anything we can't accomplish together.

The thing that I love most about you is how you challenge me. You make me a better person because you expect a lot out of me, you really do. You push me to share my deepest secrets and to talk about feelings that I've kept bottled inside of me for almost forever. When I'm with you, I think about things differently and from all angles. We are so opposite, but it works. You balance me and make me complete. You fill the hole that has been left from all that my past has taken from me. You fill it up to the tippy-top and sometimes I'm so fulfilled that I can hardly breathe.

I have never felt as beautiful as I do now. You see things in me that I've attempted to hide from the world, and you pull them out of me and water them and feed them until they grow into something so wild and so free that they can no longer keep quiet. Sometimes when I'm sleeping, I can hear you whispering how much you love me. Those are my favorite moments, because in those moments there is so much love between us that it's electric. It's in those moments that I feel apart of something bigger; that I don't feel so alone.

It's not all easy, either. When we fight, I can literally feel my heart ripping open. But with each and every tear, my soul is making room for growth. It's in these moments that I continue to learn and to become the person who I am always striving to be. I am so proud of these moments, because we fight fair and we argue out of an undeniable connection to one another. These are the moments where my love for you is over-powering to the point where I realize how much there is to lose, and I remind myself to appreciate each and every second that we have together.

So for all of this, no matter what happens, I thank you. Thank you for giving me hope in the Universe. For teaching me to trust and to let others help me when I need it. For always being there when I need you the most. And simply for being who you are.

Because you are everything I've ever dreamed of, all wrapped into one human being. And until recently, I didn't think a love like ours was possible.

Dear Casey,

“Most people don't know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life. ”

― Brian Andreas

 

Dear Casey,

 

I wanted to write to you and tell you how much I miss you already. How the world seems a little bit darker since you left, and how things will never be exactly the same as they were before.

 

I still haven't cried. Yes, there have been times when I have been at my desk or alone in my bed and one or two tears have crept out... but mostly I've been holding them in because I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop them once they are released and then my bedroom and then my house and then the whole universe will flood over. I'm afraid that I won't be able to catch my breath, but also that you will see all of this and question what it is that I'm crying for when there is so much to laugh about.

 

It sort of feels like I am in a terrible dream, and I keep pinching my cheeks and forcing my eyes open and trying to wake up... but I can't. I hear your laughter in all of the quiet spaces of my life and deep, deep down in my soul I can still hear your voice and see your smile. I go to that place at least ten times a day, because it is physically painful thinking that there will be no new memories, that you have completed your time here and given all that you can.

 

You lived your life for the moment, and at times this was hard to accept. It was hard, because our world does not typically live and breathe every second of every day. While the rest of us were worrying about deadlines and stressing and forgetting and wishing time would go faster, you were living. You were laughing. You have taught us so much about the important things in life and how healing a smile can be and how much simpler our problems seem when we choose to be happy no matter what.

 

I know that your physical body may be gone, but your spirit is still here among all of us and that you are there every moment shaking your head and trying to get us to understand that life is too short to be so sad. You are trying to help us remember what you have taught us: to have fun and laugh and smile and most of all to do whatever is necessary to avoid missing out on life.

 

So every morning since you left I have taken a moment to breathe in deeply and I stretch my arms to the sky and picture your smile. I remember that we are not guarenteed our next breath. I remember that we only have one shot at life, and that there is no better time than now to start living it. I remember you and all that you have meant to me and every single soul that you have touched.

 

Thank you for teaching me so much about life and so much about how we complicate every little thing and how it doesn't have to be that way. Thank you for reminding me what is important and what isn't. What I should hold onto and what I should let go of. Thank you most of all for always being true to yourself and for showing me that it is possible.

 

I love you and am so unbelievably proud to have known you. I carry your heart in my heart.

 

Kara



things i am learning

I have been a little quiet in this space, mostly because I was on vacation last week and I have been spending more time with important people in my life and less time on the computer. Sometimes it's important to disconnect for a while.

I am an over-thinker. I judge myself so harshly that sometimes it's necessary to take a step back, breathe, and remember to love who I am and what my life has become. Next month I will be 26 years old, and if you were to tell me when I was younger what I would be doing at this moment... I'm not sure I would be happy about it. Then again, what I knew then and what I know now about the world and how it works cannot be compared.

I have always had a plan for my life, and for so long I tried to force that plan to the point where my happiness and well being took a back seat. At this time in my life, I figured that I would be married and that I would have children and I never for a second thought that the real world could be so harsh and money could be such a burden. I never thought that I could fall so hard and that my heavy body would be such a struggle to pick back up. I could never have imagined all that I would learn and all that I continue to learn.

But when I think about what I have accomplished and how I am being molded and formed into a person who does not fit into the old plan that I had for myself, I am slowly learning to appreciate the Universe and where I fit in and where my soul is taking me. I am slowly learning that it's okay to fall down, because as hard as it's been to pull myself back up - it's possible and it's worth it. I have learned that life is a lesson, and the hardest tests often result in the greatest rewards.

The lessons that I have been taught have transformed my way of thinking. I have been hurt, been set aside, been left. But I have also hurt others, pushed them aside, left them. The reality that I have had any part in making some one feel less about themselves has made me realize that we are all just human and we all make mistakes. We hurt each other and speak harshly and sometimes we let hate and fear take over for a while. But these moments are important, because they remind me that we are all connected and we all have the ability to love and to hate - and life is so much happier when you choose to love.

The Universe does not owe me anything more than I have already been given. Life is not fair. Rather than focusing on how broken I have felt at times, I am trying to keep my mind set on the lessons that these struggles have taught me and trying to remember those ugly feelings before I try to push them on others. I have learned so much about standing on my own two feet and even more about leaning on community when necessary.

I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. And more importantly, I like the person that I have become and I am thankful that I do not fit into the box that I placed myself into before. I appreciate everything in my life, good and bad, because my experiences have led me to this very moment - and in this moment, I am happy.

mama

Mama,

When I think about my childhood, there are no memories of hours wasted in front of the television. Instead, I remember all of the art projects that you introduced me to, the millions of books that we read together, and the impact that your faith in my imagination still has on me today.

You gave me the freedom to run in my bare feet after butterflies, you checked my pockets for frogs before letting me inside our home, and you sat on my bed every single night and told me how much you loved me as I closed my eyes.

I remember being shaken at night from terrible dreams that felt so real that when I cried out for you, the fear had stolen my voice and so I jumped from my bed and sprinted down the hall. I cuddled in between you and Dad. Safety. You never told me to go back to bed; you always held me there until morning.

You weren't always fun. And I wasn't always easy. I remember plenty of times that my mouth was washed out with soap with the mutter of unkind words, butt cheeks were smacked for stealing cookies, and hours were spent in my room after wandering too far and not returning home even when I heard your voice calling my name.

But still, you have always been my safety net. I remember one night when I was little, and you were giving me a bath and left the room to answer the phone. You weren't gone for no longer than a minute, but that entire minute was absolutely terrifying. I sat and waited for you. When you returned, my anxiety subsided and nothing felt better than you wrapping me up in a warm cotton bath towel.

In high school, we had the typical mother-daughter relationship. Some days I really thought that I hated you. Looking back, that's how I know you were doing everything right. You taught me to balance out work and play, reminded me that boyfriends should not monopolize my time, and didn't get me a cell phone just because everyone else had one. I hope that one day I have a teenage daughter and I do things just like you did. You let me figure things out on my own, but always offered wisdom when I came asking for it.

You have always put your own feelings aside when I needed you the most. I remember calling you freshman year of college and telling you that I had broken up with my high school sweetheart. Through tears you managed to pick me back up and remind me that somewhere out there, some one was being readied for me. You reminded me that relationships take hard work, but that I should never settle. You even supported me when we got back together, got married, and believe me when I tell you that you were my backbone when we divorced. You still tell me that some one is out there for me, and that no matter what I should never give up on love.

I remember calling you in college one night and telling you the biggest and hardest secret that I have ever shared. Even when the campus police told me that it might be better to hide it from you, I still called you and told you that I had been raped and really all I needed was my mama. You were in the car five minutes later and drove over two hours to hug me and kiss my tears and tuck me in. Your ability to comfort me, no matter what the situation, still blows me away.

It seems that everything in my life is continually changing. With every break up, hard day, or illness you are the first one that I call. When I have good news, I can't wait to talk to you because I know that you will feel my joy and nothing makes me happier than making you smile. You really are my best friend, and I wouldn't be as strong of a woman without having an even stronger woman as my role model for life.

And I wish that I could find the words to tell you how exceptional you really are. You were born to be a mother, and I know this because you not only continue to mother my brother and me, but you mother entire communities. People call you when they need comfort, safety, some one to cry to, and some one to laugh with. I am so lucky that you are mine, and this world is so much better with you in it.

The pride that I feel for you is overwhelming, and I am thankful that you have given me such big shoes to fill. I am thankful that you set such an example. That even if I only accomplish half of what you have accomlished, I will be extremely blessed.

This time next week you will officially be Rev. Dr. S. Karen Workman -- and I just wanted you to know that out of all the mothers in the world, I'm glad the Universe found me fit enough to be your daughter.

With more pride and happiness that I thought my heart could possibly contain,

Kara

falling in love with myself.

credit

There are some things you need to know about me. I am extremely passionate about life and I am a lover. When I fall in love, I fall hard and sometimes that means that I get hurt but in the end everything about life is a learning experience and I don't mind being a student of The Universe.

I tend to see the good in everyone and it's hard for me to fathom cruelty - so there are times when I need to take a step back from society and soak in a bubble bath or spend a weekend in the woods just to get away from the negativity. I try my hardest not to let evil take over my soul, and not to let it change my heart.

I am sensitive and have a tender heart. From books to movies to people on the street that I hardly know, I hurt when I see others hurt. I even hurt for those doing the hurting. I enjoy this connection that I have with those around me. I like to feel every emotion, even the painful ones. It's important to always remember that everything in The Universe is connected, and that we have more in common with one another than we may realize. Treat others the way you want to be treated, and you will never be alone.

I talk to trees. I dance with the wind. I soak in the sunshine and the river and the flowers and the clouds. I talk to plants and animals and I never, ever forget the gift of life and living in the moment.

But most importantly, I love myself. And the reality is that nobody can change that, no matter how much they try to hurt me or use me. And knowing that is the best part.

dreams: part II

I will tell you this: When I was a little girl, I would run to the edge of the forest, kick off my shoes as fast as I possibly could, and run deep deep deep into the trees until I could no longer see my house or hear another human being. In that space, I would imagine that I was the only person alive and I would slip off my dress and lay in the creek and pretend that life was always this easy. That life wasn't so complicated, and that I never had to leave that space unless I wanted to.

I always came back to civilization, though. But those hours that I spent in the forest gave me just enough hope in love and in humanity and in life that I was able to come back with my head held high. I knew that I did not fit into society, and that pleased me more than anything. Nature was my true home.

I would daydream about what you would be like. How the sun would place a perfect halo around the crown of your head, and how the wind would dance in your hair. You would sit next to me and with our toes in the cool water, you would hold my hand and I would place my head on your shoulder and we would sit in silence and be perfectly content with that.

The trees and animals would be our only witnesses, and you would pluck flowers from the ground and put them in my hair and make me feel like a princess. You would be my king; the king of the forest.

We would string lights from the trees and I would wear a white lace dress and barefoot we would walk along a path and before The Universe you would kiss me and I would be your bride and we would be happy there, in that space, forever.

Our song would be the birds chirping and the bees humming and the distant wolves howling with excitement. In the moonlight, we would lay underneath the stars and our bodies would keep us so warm that we would feel almost electric. The sparks between us would light up the night and create a display so beautiful that had anyone else been around, they would not be able to take their eyes off of it.

But this is the part of the story where I would always wake up, and I would reach for you beside me and the ground would be cold and empty. I would feel like a hollowed tomb and would pull my heavy body from that space and make the trek back home, back into society. Alone.

As broken as those daydreams would leave me though, they also excited me. Because my soul could never feel so lost or burdened unless you were really out there somewhere. So every day I would look for you, and I would ask The Universe to bring us together.

I'm still waiting, and I have not given up hope.

[part I]

one more day!!!

Hope everyone is doing well -- the week is already 1/2 over and that means we're closer to the weekend! You still have until tomorrow at midnight to enter my Print Runner Giveaway and so far you have a pretty amazing shot at winning 100 postcards... so enter enter enter!

dreams.

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I do not have all of the answers, but I am an old soul and in a past life we lived together in a cottage on top of a mountain. You put every wood panel in place and cut out each window and your salty sweat and hard-worked hands created a magical place. I still remember it; still ache for it and our life together there, in that time and space.

We spent our days walking barefoot through the forest, collecting berries and mushrooms and herbs and flowers. The trees knew us by name, and the moist ground reminded us daily that we came out of the soil and would once again return to it. But not yet. We had too much living to do.

At night, we would sip deep, scarlet wine straight from the bottle until our teeth and lips were stained. You would pull me close to you, and kiss me hard and passionately and sometimes I can still feel my heart racing from those moments. I can still taste the wine on your lips. I can still feel my body melting into you. I still hear the laughter and the quiet ways we would talk without speaking.

We would lay in bed, intertwined and it would be impossible to tell where one body ended and the other began. I still remember the way you would gently touch my hair and kiss my breasts and sometimes, the rain patting on our tin roof made me sure that The Universe was applauding those tender moments.

In that same bed, we would eventually birth our children; little humans created by a holy mixture of our souls and your wild hair and my dark freckles and natures overpowering energy and life force. The forest would be their playground, and we would smile as we heard them in the distant brush beating their chests and howling like cyotes.

They would return to us in the evening, from their secret world of nymphs and faeries and we would pull the sticks and leaves from their hair and kiss their rosy cheeks and wash the soil from their toes and fingernails in a warm bath smelling of lavendar oil. We would wrap them up in cotton pajamas, and the moon would watch over them through their open windows; the owls humming them to sleep.

A day never passed that I didn't look into your eyes and see my very soul reflecting back at me. You were my true soul mate. We both came from the Earth and I was born in you and you were born in me. In that cottage, our love was so intoxicating that at night I lay in bed drunk from spending each dreamy moment with you.

Years would pass; our bodies would age. And we would talk about death and I would always whisper that I wanted to go first; that living in a world without you would be unbearable. But you were wise, and reminded me that a soul never dies. It leaves the body and returns to the wind and rain and leaves and birds and deer and sunshine and each tiny blade of grass from where it initially came.

We were happy. I still remember it; still ache for it and our life together there, in that time and space.

my first giveaway: print runner post cards!

Side note: Seriously, how amazing is this weather?!

As a blogger, I'm sure you can relate to getting all kinds of strange emails offering giveaways and product reviews. I haven't really felt comfortable accepting any of these offers, mainly because the point of my blog isn't for profit/followers.... and also because I've never really gotten an offer on something that my readers could relate to or really be interested in (who wants tupperware?). But, now that I have reached over 100 followers I feel that it's ok to offer a little something something... especially when that something is a product that I'm actually really excited about!

I'm a huuuuge fan of snail mail. It's so much fun opening your mail box to find a sweet note for a change, rather than a pile of junk mail, bills, and coupons that you'll never ever use. It's something so simple that can brighten a persons day, and that's why I've agreed to work with Print Runner, and online printing company, who is graciously offering 100 postcards to the winner -- and the best part is I get 100, too! (Thanks Print Runner! You rock!)

PrintRunner was established with little more than a small press and a dream. Ten years later they have become one of the foremost quality printers in Southern California. Their commitment to provide the best value and high quality full color printing at an affordable price has made the company grow... 

1. Visit PrintRunner's online postcard printing page and Leave a comment below telling me your favorite thing about Spring. Don't forget to include your name & email address so I can contact you if you win ;)

*Extra Credit: Submit as separate comments to increase your chances of winning!

2. Become a follower of my blog 

3. Follow me on Twitter

5. Like PrintRunner on Facebook

6. Follow PrintRunner on Twitter

Postcard Size : Postcards 5x7

Quantity : 100

Colors : 4/0 Front Only Printing

Paper : 14 PT. UV Coating on Front

Rounded Corners : Yes

Proof : None

Ready to Ship In : 4 Business Days

This giveaway is open until Thursday, April 12th at midnight. I will choose a blogger at random and post the winner on the morning of April 13th. Good luck!



 *Giveaway is open to US Residents only, ages 18 years old and above

*PrintRunner is a full service high quality printing company located in Chatsworth, California.

deciding to be happy.

Some one once told me a story about a little girl who grew up on a farm with her family. She was in the barn one day, and happened to be near the chickens at just the right time - one of the eggs was moving and a baby chick was about to be born! The little girl watched the little chick struggle and peck and huff with exhaustion as it worked its way out of the egg. Impatient, and mostly wanting to help, the little girl tore open the egg shell, doing what she thought would ultimately save the little chick from unnecessary struggle. What she did not realize, was that these baby chicks need this struggle, this ultimate fight, to gain the strength that they need to survive. In the end, the chick did not survive. The point is that struggle is a necessity of life, and sometimes taking the ''easy was out'' only causes disaster. But, if we are patient and we work and work to break free from our shells, we come out much stronger. The fight is almost always worth it.

I will admit that I am only human, and while I try to show those around me that I somehow ''have it all together,'' the reality is that I don't and I've been going through a hard battle on my own since November. Divorce is ugly, it's hard, it's frustrating, it's embarrassing, it's lonely. It breaks you down bit by bit, and at first everything seems so much easier... but in my experience, once the novelty wears off, it can be one of the most difficult things a person goes through. Sometimes I wish I could curl up in a cocoon for several months, and then magically wake up and all of these tough emotions would be worked out on their own. But life doesn't have a fast forward button, or even a pause button. I have already learned so much about myself and those around me from this experience, and I have a feeling that the lessons will never cease to show themselves.

The other day I left a pretty passive-aggressive status on my facebook. I don't usually do that - I don't see facebook as a place to broadcast your personal life, but it was a weak moment and I wanted my voice to be heard. Chances are, if you read that status and you are trying your best to be friends with both me and my ex, that was directed towards you. Lately I've found myself so angry, because I feel like these friends, these people who have only known me and my ex as a couple, are in the midst of their own struggle of trying to keep both of us in their lives while not hurting anyone's feelings. Being human, I was tired of being sympathetic of this struggle that these people are going through, because I was so hurt and felt so left out and have felt so alone lately. When Sean first moved out, I had an overwhelming support system and any time I needed some one or something... they were just there. But, months and months have passed and at some point people have to get back to their normal lives.

I've felt betrayed lately. Financially, this divorce has crippled me and as my debt piles up higher and higher, I find myself unable to go out or participate in things that cost money because honestly - I don't have it. When I see people posting on twitter or facebook, people who I consider some of my best friends, talking to Sean about hanging out or planning summer trips... it causes me to pull back and push everyone away. I try really, really hard to see their perspective - Sean and I were together since we were 14 and all of our friends are mutual... but sometimes it's so overwhelming and I feel so betrayed and hurt that I let my feelings get the best of me. I get tired of trying to see others perspectives, because frankly I'm going through the hardest battle I have ever experienced and for once I'd like some one to see my perspective. I miss the support I had at the beginning, but the reality of the matter is that I cannot rely on other people to always keep me as a number one priority - I may still be a priority, but they may be going through battles of their own that I don't even know about.

I'll be honest, I've had an extremely hard month. I'm planning to move out of Richmond towards the end of July, and I feel myself getting so anxious to leave that I sit and try to think of ways to get out of my lease sooner so that I can just get away from this environment that is causing me so much pain. I want to escape and never look back.

But then I remember the story about the girl who opened the egg too quickly and the little chick died. I still have things to learn in Richmond, and I need to stick to my timeline - a timeline I made when I was thinking more clearly and rationally and wasn't totally lost in my emotions. These lessons will be worth it in the end. Until then, I need to choose to be happy.

But that doesn't mean that I can't get away for a few hours. I don't have to allow my burdens to overcome me. Nature has always been a place for my deepest scars to heal, and I woke up Sunday morning with the aching desire to see the ocean. So that's what we did.

 

We packed up a beach bag, gathered our three pups, got in the car, and drove to Virginia Beach. It was so nice to touch my toes in the sand and to watch the dogs run and play in the ocean. But the best part was huddling together in our sweat shirts and blankets and napping in the sun with the sound of the waves in the background. Laughter came easy, and for a few hours I didn't think about all of the thousands of things that have been stressing me out to the point of exhaustion lately.

I read my horoscope today, and this is what it said:

"If you went over a large waterfall in a wayward raft, you would not have much control over where the water took you. However, you could hold on as tightly as possible, you could try to avoid the rocks and branches as they came flying at you, and you could recognize when it was appropriate to hold your breath as water came flying at your face. All of these things are important. You may now be facing a small crisis of some kind. Although you probably feel that you don't have any control, you do have an important measure of control. Stay alert, and you will do very well.''

I know that my best bet in overcoming the insecurities that are bound to come from a divorce is the decision to choose to be happy. When rocks and branches come flying at me, I can do my best to duck or take a step back. And when I feel totally overwhelmed, I can take a few moments to hold my breath knowing that this will all pass.

It's all much easier, I have found, when I decide to be happy no matter what. When I don't take things so personally, or allow other peoples actions to ruin my day. There are so many things to be greatful for in this beautiful journey of life - and the lessons that I am learning are sure to bring strength and knowledge that will undoubtedly give me the ability to overcome other obsticles that are placed in my path. Because let's be honest, life is all about learning and after this lesson has passed it will be time for a new one.

Your overall outlook means everything, and my choice is to choose happiness.

how my life is changing through discovering my inner wisdom.

A very close friend gifted me with the above book, The Art of Intuition, several months ago. This book has sat on my dresser, moved into the living room, and finally made it's way into my hands where I have been unable to pull not only my eyes but my heart and soul away from it. It's truly changing my life and giving me a new perspective that has been more healing than anything I've ever read before -- and I read a lot.

For the past several years, I have been adamant in classifying myself as an atheist. But as I have read through recent posts about my belief in The Universe, the idea that we are all connected, I have begun to understand that it's possible that my subconscious is trying to tell me that there may be a higher power of some kind. I am so open to psychics and tarot cards and palm readings and I even read my horoscope daily. What kind of atheist is that? One that feels so deeply connected physically, emotionally, and even spiritually to those around me, that at the end of the day I am sometimes exhausted from feeling so much. Is there such thing as a coincidence? Lately, I'm not so sure.

"I shall not commit the fashionable stupidity of regarding everything I cannot explain as a fraud"

C. G. Jung

First some background. I stopped believing in the traditional sense of "God" as a result of suffering that I felt I had to almost spitefully endure. I felt angry and upset and even betrayed by this higher power who I felt should be protecting me. Isn't that what we do for those we love, try to protect them from harm?

The first bit of my anger strung out after I was raped in college, where I was put in the situation where none of my 'friends' believed me or had my back in any way -- I was totally alone on this path and the journey was so dark and unbearable that I actually tried to end my life. Thank goodness I was unsuccessful. But then, Senior year of College I was faced with another struggle where a young boy that I grew up babysitting passed away tragically. These two events really chipped away at my belief system and made me question everything I had been taught.

Then, a few years later one of my very good friends committed suicide - and that felt like a physical backstabbing. When my God-Brother, Mitchell, became sick and needed a second transplant... I was done with this idea of ''God'' -- obviously I was alone on this journey and there was nobody there looking down on us, how could there be? How could a higher power who supposedly ''loved'' us, allow this much pain and suffering? After my divorce, I was finished with all of it.

I decided later that I hated God. The idea of a higher power made my stomach turn, and it became easier to deny his/her/it's existence then face the simple truth that suffering is a part of life. In the words of Bendrix, one of my favorite fictional characters from the book The End of The Affair, I said to this ''higher power'' I hate you as though you existed. And that was that, I was an atheist.

But as I begin to see how my life is unfolding, I'm beginning to realise that I don't know everything. I'm beginning to realise that my belief system is founded upon an emotion that is utterly toxic. That in order to break free from my suffering, I need to let go of the hatred and anger and depression and physical pain it has caused me. I cannot allow other people or events to dictate my life -- I cannot allow hatred to take over my soul. I cannot allow those who have caused me pain to hold me back from true happiness.

So back to this book. This mantra. This map to self discovery and trust and letting go of expectations about how life should be. Because if I am honest with myself, my struggles and my pain have allowed me to empathize with those around me in a way that I wouldn't trade for anything. As much as I've hated ''God'', I've never been so in love with humanity. And the more love that fills your spirit, the less room there is for negativity and sadness.

"Nothing in the world is single; All things by a law divine, in one another's being mingle''

Percy Shelley

I am realizing very quickly these days that we are all connected and that some things that I have shrugged off as ''coincidence'' may actually be much deeper than that and deserve more thought. I recently started dating some one who is very in tune with his spirituality. The first night we met, he told me about visions he had seen that later became a reality in his life. He told me about remembering his home where he lived as an infant. Times when he had talked to his father after he had passed, and gotten physical answers which cannot be explained any other way than spiritually.

I, too, have experienced similar events. I remember in high school I was extremely depressed and I whispered a plea to whatever or whoever would listen for even the slightest bit of comfort, and I physically felt arms wrapping around me and an overwhelming sense of calmness filled my body. I also get feelings deep inside my chest when people I care about need encouragement or support or love or safety -- I sense their need, reach out to them, and am in utter shock and disbelief when they say ''this was perfect timing, those words were exactly what I needed at this exact moment.'' I have vivid dreams about loved ones who have passed on, and the messages they send me seem so real that they send shivers up my spine. Are these all coincidences?

Yesterday I was in a coffee shop reading a local magazine when I came across an article about the astronaut Edgar Mitchell and his creation of the Institute of Noetic Sciences (IONS). I came home with a deep desire to pick up The Art of Intuition, and felt my stomach tighten as the very chapter I began mentioned this very person and institute. Instantly, I knew that what I was about to read was going to be something that I needed to pay special attention to. It was a gut feeling that was so strong, so fierce, that I looked up from my book and told Jon jokingly about this ''ccoincidence,'' only for him to say there are no such things as coincidences. Hm.

As I began reading, hours passed within a matter of minutes. I was sucked into the authors words about gut feelings, intuition, reading auras, feeling others emotions, and communicating with animals. I stopped several times to share what I was reading with Jon, and every time I was shocked and almost confused that he didn't find any of it to be crazy. We began talking about a story my mother told me about my Nana and Grampy. She said that growing up and even after her and her sister moved out, my grandparents would take a bath together each night at seven o'clock -- this was there time together to unwind from the day and really focus on each other. They would run the bath and then play a music box which to my knowledge my grandmother still has today, even though it hasn't worked for years. My grandfather passed away, and on the night of the anniversary of his death the music box began to play at exactly seven o'clock. How can you explain this without admitting that it's possible than my grandfather was sending a special message to his lover, letting her know that he was okay?

Yesterday, as I read each page, I had a feeling in my chest that I still cannot shake. For the first time in a long time, I have begun to acknowledge that simply dismissing a higher power of some kind does not have any effect on if that higher power exists or not. Maybe this higher power isn't a long haired, birkenstock wearing teacher named Jesus. Maybe it's something far more complex. Maybe my idea of The Universe is that same higher power that my mother preaches about on Sunday mornings, only we are experiencing it in a different way that is individual and specific to us.

She talked about how most people who are able to see and feel and touch things that others cannot, are simply those who are in tune with themselves. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I sometimes sense when one of my three dogs needs one on one time, that I sometimes communicate with people in a very real way through dreaming, and that the conversations I have had with nature (trees, water, leaves, flowers, the breeze, the sky, pebbles, etc) aren't simply a fantasy. I realised that maybe the plants in my office are growing so well, to the point where people come to visit just to see them, because I actually do take time to talk to them. I do take the time to touch their leaves, feel their energy, and transfer my love into their roots. Am I crazy, or is there actually no such thing as a coincidence?

More importantly, how can I be this open to spirituality and still claim myself as an atheist? Suddenly, I am aware that there is so much more going on in this Universe than I was even aware of, because my soul has been so cluttered with anger and hatred.

I don't know what to call myself, and maybe that's what spirituality is all about. But I now have a desire to let go of this negativity that has been building and building, and allow some room for possibility and belief and maybe even a miracle or two. For once, I think I am beginning to understand what it means to truly listen to myself and the importance of strengthening my own intuition.

 For now, I am opening my mind to the possibility that there may not be such a thing as a coincidence. I am opening my mind to the possibility that maybe, things will be okay for me once I make more space in my spirit for love and openness. That maybe, just maybe, there is safety in not knowing everything.

what is a soul?

‎''All day I think about it, then at night I say it. Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing? My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that... Who says words with my mouth? Who looks out with my eyes? What is the soul?... If I could taste one sip of an answer, I could break out of this prison for drunks... Whoever brought me here will have to take me home. ''

-Jalal Ad-Din Rumi

Stress.

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Some days are really, really good. It seems as if the sun will never stop shining, laughter comes easy, and my heart is so full of hope and love and inspiration that it feels like it may burst at any second in the best possible way.

Then there are days when unexpectedly and unannounced, anxiety worm-holes its way into a weak spot of my brain and makes a filthy, dirty nest which eventually festers and bulges and feeds on those happy moments until it's ever growing hunger drains all of those light feelings and easy smiles and spits them out into my interior, filling it with a thick, tar-based mucus that feels unbearable and impossible to find my way out of.

Anxiety is a terrible little monster. It exposes all of my weaknesses at once in a fury so fierce that at the end of the day, I barley have the energy to bring my heavy body to bed and my eyes and head and entire being seem to burn from the inside out.

But I am strong and I know that Anxiety, my unwelcomed guest, cannot live inside me for very long. At the time, it feels as though it's keeping house deep within my soul for all of eternity. But, the world is so beautiful and there is a spark in my interior that always manages to push and push and push until all of the darkness and heavyness lifts and I am once again myself. Sometimes it's a warm breeze that literally melts away the cold, dark places seeping through to my exterior. Other times it's a deep laughter that comes as a surprise. While other times, it's simply sitting in silence and breathing in and out deeply.

This may have been a hard week, with anxiety shadowing my every move, but it will pass. This season will change. And I will find my way back out of this valley and continue up my own personal mountain. I will reach the top, and be able to enjoy the view knowing that I worked so hard to get to that place where I can appreciate it once again.

adjusting my sails.

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Life is an incredible journey. One thing that I've learned is that it is not easy, and that if it were - I would have missed out on so many important lessons and given up the opportunity for some of my greatest adventures to unfold.  

So I am thankful for my struggles. My open wounds. My tears and scars and vulnerabilities and imperfections and endless baggage. I am thankful for learning things the hard way, and for always picking myself back up - even when I've felt too tired or too worn or much too broken.

Most of all, I am thankful that I get to be a part of this big adventure that is my life. That I get to choose which paths I take and which I leave behind. I do not get to choose which troubles I happen to stumble upon, but I do get some choice in how each moment changes and molds and inspires me.

I get to choose to be happy, and that is something that I am forever grateful for.

inspiration friday

Today I'm guest posting over at my good friend Sarah's blog ;) Head on over and say hello!

a little bit about one of my biggest heros.

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Many of you have been following this blog long enough to know about the complete transformation my life took after donating my kidney to my god-brother, Mitchell. He is seriously the strongest person that I have ever met, and at times I have to remind myself that he is indeed human. It's hard to remember that he isn't a super hero, that he experiences pain and fights so hard from day to day. Mitchell is one of those people who never complains, never cries, never expects special treatment or sympathy. He's incredibly strong and he's a fighter. Whenever I am going through a hard time, I think 'what would Mitchell do?' and I am instantly humbled and inspired.

This past month, and especially week, has been one that's reminded me of just how human Mitchell really is, and how he struggles daily just for some form of normalcy. He needs another transplant, and until they can find a match he will have to begin dialysis. The thought of this literally makes me sick to my stomach, because I remember my grandfather (who mind you, lived not only a normal childhood but a fully enriched life) going to and from dialysis and coming home exhausted and broken. I remember sitting at the kitchen table with my grandfather and him telling me that he would rather be dead than have to continue ''living'' like he was - and as young as I was at the time, I remember feeling those words down to my core. I remember hurting for him. I remember never wanting anyone to ever have to go through that. This image is what pressed me to donate my kidney in the first place.

Mitchell needs support now more than ever. Please visit his website here and participate in any way that you can. For some, this means donating money. For others, it may mean spreading his story and building awareness. For others, prayer or positive and healing vibes. Whatever it is that you can give, I can assure you that my family appreciates it.

And even if you never visit the website, please remember a time this week, this hour, this minute where you felt truly happy and fulfilled. Think about this moment, and cherish it. Remind yourself of the good in your life, and the blessings that you have been given. We only have so much time here, and my wish for you is that you acknowledge each millisecond of it. That you use each moment to better yourself and that when your time comes, you leave this world better than how you found it.