Trust & Listen.

For so long I have felt alone. Alone in my marriage. Alone in my friendships. Alone in my beliefs. I've often wondered what is it about me that is so easy to leave? That's a heavy question, but I think the answer is that I am not easy to leave, but rather my focus needs to be on wrapping myself up in my own love and letting me be enough, just me. I need to stop searching for another person to fill this void, because deep in my soul I already know that I can fill this void on my own. I just need to trust and to listen.

I have been thinking so deeply about this. About how things have been arranged and re-arranged and how the only constant in my life is myself. I am with myself, every single moment. Not to say that I don't need others, because my connection to those around me runs so deep. But rather, that a person is not capable of filling this void on my behalf. That I cannot continue to blindly jump -- that I can still live in the moment without rushing fate. That I need to be my first priority, because you are born and you die alone; you owe it to yourself to be enough.

Having a body next to you is just that, a body. Unless of course you take the time to build a relationship and trust and most of all, when you think of this person your insides and everything about your being tell you that this other person compliments you. They cannot complete you, because you first must be complete. People will only love you as much as you love yourself.

I am not a lonely person. I am extremely connected to my family, my friends, my co-workers, my community. Society puts so much pressure on women, especially twenty somethings like myself, to settle down. To have kids. To find a person to build your life with. But I have settled, I have attempted to build, and it left me feeling trapped and insecure. Despite my anxieties about what society would think about leaving my husband, I left because I knew that I needed to follow my inner voice. I left because I knew there was so much out there that I still needed to discover. And more times than not, listening and trusting yourself does so much more than listening and trusting society.

So I have decided to tell society and it's pressures and stereotypes to fuck off. I have decided to continue trusting and listening to myself. To make the bold move of embracing myself, my flaws, my achievements, and to let these things be enough for now. And there is no better place to heal than in nature, where we all began and where we will continue to transform and to transcend.

As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.

[Henry David Thoreau]

~

 p.s. - I have been in need of a regular bed (I've been sleeping in a twin bed since November) and also a couch... guess what I got for free this weekend? I think I'm going to do a loft tour post this week... I'm so proud of myself for building a life and a home that leaves me inspired and content :)

healing.

I have spent the majority of my life being hard on myself. Settling for less than I deserve. Surrounding myself with others who may not be healthy or supportive or even kind. But just as the moon goes through phases, so has my life and it feels as though I am approaching a fullness that is so overpowering that nothing can get in my way any longer. I have hope that this fullness will be enough to hold my strength, even through the dark times which are always just a few phases away.

I look in the mirror at my body and I no longer cringe, but rather see the beauty in my curves and the changes that have taken place since I've let myself treat my body kinder and found other ways to cope with my emotions that are so much healthier. I see a woman when I see my reflection. Curves are okay; in fact, they're beautiful. There is a new found pride deep within me and it screams the joys of womanhood.

When I am out, I take compliments to heart and no longer wonder if words that people say are honest or mearly opportunities to take something away from me. I am learning to trust again, and brick by brick the walls I have built around my heart are coming down. This is a slow process, but it feels good to let others into my safe haven again rather than shutting them out completely. It feels even better to dig up these wounds from the deepest parts of my soul and let them out into the fresh air where they can finally heal.

I came across a quote the other day on a new friends facebook page. It spoke volumes to where I am at in my life, and I've found myself coming back to these words and loving who I am and what I have become much deeper each time I return to them.

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

--Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I feel as though I have been through so much struggle in the short time that I have been here, but that I am finally making my way out of the depths. I am no longer a victim to my circumstances. I am happy and free and my harshest wounds are starting to heal -- I am experiencing my first taste of freedom in perhaps forever.

 

And the best part of this moon phase, is that in it's fullness I have become aware of my beauty. My hope is that I will be able to continue to shine, even through the darkness. Others may still hurt me, but I no longer find it necessary to hurt myself. This is a first step -actually a leap- into my journey of loving myself completely.

who matters?

[credit unknown]

There is so much learning to be done. Every single day, a new opportunity to learn and re-learn and re-learn it all over again. Just when you think you know everything, you realize you know nothing. And then when you feel as if your life is a complete and utter mess, and that nothing makes sense... somehow it circles around again and you feel certain that your path was made specifically for you. Life is a cycle, and it never seems to have a beginning or an ending.

The people that we choose to bring along on our journey are so very important. All of them. From the ones who hurt us, make us feel unworthy, to those who spark a desire in our hearts to be better people. Each of them has something to offer, and it is our inner voice which must tell us who to learn from and let go, and who to hold on to tightly. If you trust no one, you must always trust yourself. You must always believe deeply in the Universe and her ability to balance out the good with the bad. The love to the hurt. There is no beginning or end, but rather life is a never ending journey full of adventure and moments which can never be brought back.

Letting go and learning and holding on and learning and enjoying and tasting and loving and falling and getting back up - this is what we are here to accomplish.

doing what you love.

As some one who is not motivated or driven by money, it has definitely been a struggle having my finances instantly cut in half while acquiring the sole weight of all of the bills that it takes to keep my life comfortable. On top of that, I've been making such an effort to get out and meet new people, try new things, and discover new hobbies. I hate the idea of living paycheck to paycheck, and like I've said before... when checks bounce or you're late on a bill, it makes you feel pretty shitty. Well, I am a pretty strong, independent woman [if I do say so myself] and I'm not one to sulk and complain without figuring out a decent solution.

I've really been enjoying my social life lately, and with each new day I feel more energized knowing that I have a purpose in life and that I am significant. I have more energy, and each day feels like a fresh adventure. I'm not trying to sound all ''rose colored glasses''.... but it really has been so great living my life with a more positive attitude. I've been looking for a part time job for a few months now because I want to be able to do the things that I love without having to decide which bill to skip or be late on. Everyone needs the opportunity to relax a bit, and unfortunantly a lot of the time this requires extra money. Especially for some one like myself, who is obsessed with brunch and coffee dates :)

I am a total neat freak, and if you are friends with me on facebook you've probably noticed that I am always deep cleaning my loft apartment.... and sometimes my neighbors as well. It's hard to explain, but cleaning is a way that I de-stress and nothing feels better than sitting back and looking at a spotless home. And I do mean spotless!

So why not use my 'powers' for good? I've been talking to a few close friends and decided that I'm going to start cleaning homes on the side -- I get to choose my schedule, I get to choose my clients, I get to be in control. I had my very first home on Sunday, and it felt so good to re-organize her kitchen and have her and her family come home excited about the job I had done. I have a friend who does design work, and he wants to help me with branding. I want buisness cards. I want to make my own organic cleaning supplies. I want to leave little gifts at each home before I leave.

Planning and thinking about the possibilities has been pretty exciting, not to mention empowering. I love cleaning and making others happy, and I feel that this is a way I can contribute... it's also an excuse to get out of bed on the weekends and enjoy the day rather than sleeping in. Bringing creativity into my idea has been an added bonus, as I am so excited to figure out what little touches I can add to my buisness to set me apart from everyone else.

It feels refreshing to have a tangable plan. A clear path that will lead me to financial stability and total independence -- something that I am so desperatley in need of during this transition in my life.

The best part, is that I only need to do a few homes in order to make up enough money to do things that I really enjoy without having to suffer for it at the end of each month. I'm excited to see where this little endeaver will take me...

Have you ever been stressed out and then felt the relief of finding a workable solution? It's funny how things come together when you start to become more positive.

following my path.

a favorite spot on my weekly walks to the James River

Each of us has a path that we must find and follow. These paths are unique to each of us, and are never easy. Along our path, there are rivers we must cross, mountains we must climb, and rocks we sometimes stumble upon. It's easy to lose your balance and get swept up into the sea or to isolate yourself in the deepest caves of your imagination. Your path may change from one day to the next, or hour to hour. But in the midst of these challenges and tough decisions, there are moments when we each must realize that the struggles are what bring us to a place of calm reassurance and ultimately, if we're lucky, self love. These moments, where we feel and understand the blessing of each new adventure, are what life is all about.

I don't want this blog to be a place where I solely focus on my recent divorce, but rather a space where I work through these complex emotions, ever changing journeys, and remind myself over and over and over that I am enough, I am worth loving, and that trusting myself has never lead me off course. Although I've strayed from my path from time to time, I've always managed to come back to my inner desires - my path of self discovery and adventure that I so cherish and wouldn't give up for any amount of material belongings.

My connection to nature and my love for humanity have always been my North Star; these things always lead me home, always bring me back to my center and remind me of what brings true joy and ultimate happiness. Living alone, without internet or cable, is difficult. There have been nights when I've cried myself to sleep and then woken the next morning only to feel my eyes and cheeks burning from tears that still needed release. But more recently, the tears have been replaced with a sense of wholeness and I am okay being with myself. I am okay with laughing, I don't feel guilty for being happy, and each day is a brand new adventure.

Although I appreciate quiet moments in my loft, snuggled up with my two precious puppies and a good book, or even soaking in a bubble bath with some soothing music, I have begun to venture out by exploring my city and meeting new people. The highlight of my weekends have become waking up early, packing a warm croissant with pumpkin butter/coffee/lemonade, and soaking in the fresh air at the river. I have so many strong, amazing women in my life now -- women with similar values and on similar paths, who I connect with in a way that is so new to me. We spend time together with deep belly laughs, cooking yummy dinners, and reaffirming each others self worth.

Work has become a place where I have finally figured out how to pull my creativity into my daily routine, and I have flourished and am content with my career in a way that I did not think was possible. I have taken more time to talk and get to know my co-workers, have felt more comfortable empathising with my clients, and have made stronger bonds in the community which has been beneficial to both myself and my company.

I wake up early each day (where as I used to struggle to get out of bed) and am excited knowing that anything is possible. I could meet another kindred spirit, I could connect with a client in a way that I haven't before, I could learn something new about myself, I could help a stranger. I have worries and struggles, don't get me wrong, but my attitude has shifted and my glass has become half full.

There are so many possibilities available to my life that would not have been had I stayed in my marriage. I am looking at moving to a state where there is more focus on nature and community. I am in the process of starting a side cleaning buisness so that I can continue to live comfortably (it's hard adjusting to a smaller income, being on my own now). I have so many thoughts about road trips, seeing new places, and camping adventures. If I have a gut feeling, a desire that I cannot explain, I no longer feel the need for an explaination - I trust myself, get what I can out of each day, and follow my path without looking back. Life is beautiful, is it not?

where i have been.

I have been missing from this space for a little while, because I have been so busy transforming my life into a state that is so much healthier and happier. I have been trusting and listening to myself, surrounding myself with positive people, and literally enjoying every moment -- taking life in and loving where I am right now and where I will end up when my lease ends in August.

Pete and I have been feeling lonely since Sean moved out with Samson in November, and I have been on the lookout for a lab or lab mix puppy. I wanted a puppy because let's be honest, without cable or internet I am more than ready to take on the challenge and devote myself completely to our newest addition. Wednesday I found an amazing couple with lab/hound mix puppies, and from the moment we spoke I knew it wouldn't be long before we brought a puppy home. We picked up Hannah on Friday after I got off work, and I feel as though for now our little ''pack'' is complete. Her mother was a stray, so we've been working on de-worming issues (after 2 treatments there have been no worms in sight for two days!!!)... but other than that, I think she's pretty happy in her new home.

The four of us spent the entire weekend with my neighbor India who is quickly becoming a best friend and her two pups. We ate way too many burgers, laughed harder than I have in a long time, had heart to hearts, and discovered a new found love in Maker's Mark and Dr. Pepper ;) We also met up with one of our other amazing girlfriends, Sarah Anne, and did a little shopping and went out to lunch -- I am so blessed to have these incredible women in my life, and they came at just the right time. I truly belive the Universe has a way of balancing things out, and that they are in my life for a very distinct reason.

Life is pretty good right now, and if I've learned anything from separating from my high school sweetheart, it's that trusting yourself is the key to happiness. I won't say that there aren't times when I don't think about Sean or miss the feeling of comfort and security that come with being in a relationship, but I know this path is right for me.

These two melt my heart :)

Thoughts.

I've been thinking so much lately. About the possibilities ahead of me, about the fact that every time I blink I feel as though my life looks completely different, about the reality that I need a change of scenery in a big way. Mostly that it's ok that my life feels like a huge mess right now, because I have never felt so free.

I had a dream the other night that the world was ending. People around me were crying, fighting for survival, and suffering. The only thing I said was "I have wasted so much time." Now is the time to take risks, explore & value each moment. That may come with mistakes along the way, but every moment wasted is one we can never get back.

So it's official, I need to leave Virginia for the first time in my entire life. In August. I'm narrowing it down to several places: Washington State, Arizona, Colorado, Oregon. The best part, is that these thoughts could change at any moment and I could wind up somewhere completely different by this time next year.

I am learning to embrace the unknowing, and enjoy the ups and downs of living my life completely.